ARMAN's blog: "Done D1RTY"

Emo is marvelous, so shut up.

I consider myself to be very emo, and I'm proud of it. I'm tired of people hating us for no reason. Bastard haters try to bring us down and destroy our way of life. They try to turn the "emo" into "demolish," but they're ignorant. I think it's about time someone from our culture stood up and defended our totally hip and awesome lifestyle.

Emo people, like myself, have totally cool hair. People think it's strictly a fashion statement, but that's simply not true. There are many practical reasons for wearing our hair the way we do.

Let's say I'm outside walking in broad daylight and all of a sudden I turn into a vampire for no reason. My hair will shield me from the sunlight and I won't prune to death.

Emo people benefit society in a lot of ways. For example, killing ourselves offers many jobs to illegal Mexicans who's only skill is using a shovel. Or Italians who failed to succeed at construction and can only hammer 6 boards together into a rectangle. Our frequent suicide also offers many great jobs to doctors, morticians, knife manufacturers, and myspace.com employees.

We cry all the time about everything for no reason. This comes in handy all the fucking time, stupid. If we're stranded in the desert, we can sustain our thirst by balling our eyes out and drinking each others tears. That's how camels do it.

Then we laugh at all the other guys who bottle up their emotions and die of dehydration and their dicks prune up like vampires while we film it and jack each other off.

I heard that one group of emo blokes went on an Arabic tour and had to tell each other stories about missing The Strokes concert in order to survive. Then they tried styling a scorpion's hair and it puked on them and their pants fell off.

Emo people have indescribable appearance. This is a big advantage. When I steal some lady's car, the police will ask her to describe the thief. She won't know what to say. "Well he.. er she.. was male, I think.. with uhhh peachish fuscia straight hair on his.. er her right side and a curly spike towards the left, but the front.. aw fuck it, it had an oil leak anyway, fuck Chevys *click*."

That's right, fuck Chevys, and fuck all you non-emos (Nemos) who have no personality and get identified in lineups. You're now laying in prison and taking it in the soldier by emo inmates who sob uncontrollably as they violate your precious funnel of innocence.

Here's one. If a subway car runs into my head, my greasy emo hair will cause the metal to glide off my skull and diffuse 95% of the blow. However, if my intent is to actually get killed by the subway, I can eat liver and fart and it'd be kind of funny to see a guy get nailed by a subway and as he's flipping around in the air with blood spiraling away from him, he farts. Yeah, I'd chuckle at that.

Also, Emo people are so self-conscious that we have mastered the art of pissing so that nobody outside the bathroom can hear.

Creating jobs, saving lives in the desert, and scientific discoveries.. Yet even with all this, people still hate Emo. I don't know how we put up with this bigotry. So for you emo haters, I wrote a poem about us. Hopefully this will turn you into believers.

E stands for Emotion. Because feeling sentimental hurts.
M stands for Motion-none. Because we don't move at concerts.
O stands for Otion. Because we cry an ocean.
T stands for Tion. Because I cry when I masturbate without lotion.
I stands for "Eyes," which is all we know how to draw.
O stands for Otion. I already fucking told you this one, you dicksaw.
N stands for N, which is what's playing on my stereo.

Oh my god. I'm sorry, that was just too beautiful. I apologize. I cannot finish this. I am so epic. I have to go dispense saltwater from my dookie browns.