How to Spot an Abusive Relationship
# Are you frightened of your partner's temper?
# Are you afraid to disagree with him/her?
# Do you apologize to yourself and others for your partner's behavior or when you are treated badly?
# Have you ever been frightened by your partner's violence towards you?
# Have you been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you by your partner?
# Have you been forced to have sex?
# Have you been afraid to say no to sex or to anything else?
# Do you have to justify everything you do, every place you go, and every person you see to avoid your partner's temper?
# Have you repeatedly been wrongly accused of flirting or having sex with others?
# Does your partner constantly ridicule, criticize, or insult you?
# Does your partner become violent when he/she drinks or uses drugs?
# Has your partner ever threatened to kill himself/herself if you leave?
# Has your partner ever threatened to hurt or kill you or someone close to you?
# Does your partner spy on you?
# Is your partner extremely jealous and possessive? An abuser will probably tell you that jealousy is a sign of love and concern. In fact, jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust.
# Does your partner call you constantly to check up on you?
# Has your partner reported being physically or psychologically abused as a child? Was his/her mother abused? A family history of abuse is a significant predictor for a person to become an abuser as an adult.
# Does your partner become angry when you don't listen to his/her advice?
# Is your partner angry when you are a little late coming home from an appointment or shopping?
# Does your partner control all the money?
# Do you have to ask permission to leave the house?
# Does your partner say that his/her controlling behavior is motivated by his/her concern for your safety or the need to make good decisions. Rather than expressing concern for you, controlling behavior shows a deep lack of respect for you. It fulfills his/her need to dominate, rather than fulfill your needs.
# Did your partner "sweep you off your feet?"
# Did your partner proclaim his/her love for you before the two of you had spent enough time together to get to know each other?
# Did your partner pressure you to commit to the relationship before you felt ready to do so?
# Were you made to feel guilty by your partner if you wanted to slow down your involvement with him/her? Many abused people dated or knew their abusers for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together.
# Is being with your family and friends "more trouble than it's worth" because of your partner's jealousy?
# Does he/she constantly criticize the people who support you or try to undermine your trust in them? An abusive person will try to cut the victim off from all resources, especially friends and family. An abuser knows that the more contact a victim has with others, the more likely he/she is to defy the abuser or to leave.
# Does your partner blame you for his/her mistakes?
# Does your partner feel life is unfair and someone is out to get him/her?
# Does your partner find it difficult to take responsibility for his/her actions? Abusive people do not hold themselves accountable for the abuse they commit, and rarely take responsibility for their actions. After being blamed and criticized for everything he/she does, the victim will eventually internalize these false messages and begin to believe that he/she is responsible for ending the abuse that is committed against him/her.
# Does your partner perceive slight setbacks as personal attacks?
# Is your partner easily insulted?
# Does your partner lose his/her temper frequently and more easily than seems normal? Abusers typically have low self-esteem. Their self-confidence may be so fragile that even constructive criticism is seen as a threat.
# Does your partner seem insensitive to the pain and suffering of animals?
# Does your partner expect children to do things beyond their ability?
# Does your partner like to throw you down and/or hold you down during sex?
# Does your partner want to act out fantasies during sex in which you are helpless?
# Does your partner ever try to manipulate you into having sex when you are not in the mood by using sulking or anger? Abusers enjoy having power over their partners, and sex is one way in which they can feel in control. Many abusers find the idea of rape exciting. Rape, like abuse, is about power over another person.
# Does your partner say things that are cruel and hurtful?
# Does your partner degrade you or put you down?
# Does your partner tell you that you are stupid, lazy or clumsy? The abuser wants his/her partner to be dependent on him/her. Abusers will try to undermine their partner's self-confidence by putting him/her down, making fun of him/her, demeaning him/her, embarrassing him/her in public, and/or calling him/her names.
# Does your partner expect you to serve him/her?
# If you are female: Does your partner say that you must obey him in all things because you are a woman? Abusive men sometimes see women as inferior to men and unable to function as a whole person without a relationship. They accept this reasoning as an excuse to abuse and dominate their partners.
# Are you confused by your abuser's "sudden" changes in mood?
# Is your partner extremely moody and prone to unexpected explosions of anger? Many victims think that their abuser has some special mental problem because one minute he/she is nice, and the next he/she is exploding. Moodiness is typical of batterers, and it is related to other characteristics of abusers, such as hypersensitivity.
# Has your abuser admitted to hitting partners in the past? He/She may say that they "made him do it."
# Does someone else have a restraining order against your partner?
# Have you heard from relatives or an ex-spouse/partner that your partner is abusive? Situational circumstances do not make a person an abuser. A batterer is likely to beat any partner he/she is with if the relationship lasts long enough for the violence to begin.
# Does your partner destroy objects you value?
# Does he beat the table with his fists or throw objects around or near you? The abuser may use this behavior to punish his partner, but it is also intended to frighten the victim into submission. The abuser feels that he has the "right" to punish or frighten his/her partner.
# Does your partner ever physically restrain you from leaving a room, push you or shove you?
# Does he ever hold you down or hold you against the wall saying something like "You are going to listen to me"? This is not only a form of control, it is an indication that your partner is willing to use force to maintain control over you. In abusive relationships, violence frequently escalates. It may begin with a push or a slap, but it can become much more violent!
THESE ARE NOT DEFINITE SIGNS THAT YOUR PARTNER IS AN ABUSER, ONLY THAT HE/SHE HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BECOME ONE.
