Hope Blog by Blueflamesroses
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Blueflamesroses's blog: "Hope"

created on 06/13/2007  |  http://fubar.com/hope/b91424
Peace finds me in a state of turmoil, sitting with my feet buried in the sand. Each grain exfoliating the stress that I feel from where I have taken my stand. Gently cleansing the calloused mess that I have made of things of late. Removing it layer by layer exposing emotions ranging from bitterness to hate. No anger comes, no resentment flows as I listen to the angry sea. Only tears of understanding and of confusion pour from with in me. There is nothing calm about the waves tonight, they are determined and full of power. Most would fear the beast within yet I have no desire to hide or cower. I need the devastation that is only wrought by the unending pounding of each wave. In the crests I feel a release and a renewed faith that I may yet be saved. With purpose I sit and open my heart and soul to the message that it brings. I hear the song of sanity that each new current does sing. Reminding me of a past that has been overcome. Deafening me with it's lullaby that is heard only by some. The resurfacing of shells is my proof that I can once again fly high. They are dredged from the core of the oceans floor pristinely brought to shore to lie. They are gathered with care and excitement by the children who's dreams seem ohh so real. They give hope and faith in a world that has turned to anything but Gods will.
In a moment of weakness I found comfort in your arms. In a moment of weakness, I felt I was safe from harm. In a moment of weakness, I let the tears fall like rain. In a moment of weakness, I let go of all the pain. In a moment of contentment I found what I yearn for. In a moment of contentment I knew what a new day held in store. In a moment of contentment, it did not matter that I would ache. In a moment of contentment I could face what normally would make me break. In a moment of reality I saw myself for exactly who I will never be. In a moment of reality I knew that I was forever changed for what I did see. In a moment of reality I faced what I had always feared to face. In a moment of reality I knew that this was nothing more than a never ending race. In a moment all that was could never be again. In a moment, I looked back and realized how this all began. In a moment, the lucidity shall be past. In a moment I will find peace at last.
Walking straight into the fire with my eyes wide open seems to be what I live to do. Knowing with every fiber of my being that I will fall once again and knowing there is nothing that will keep me from you. You will do as you have always done and hold back any emotion, any feelings will be purely physical in your eyes. To me though each caress will signify loss, emotional devastation and I will lay there in the afterglow and wonder my usual why's. I put myself through this for the few short hours that in your arms I can be content, so that I can be where I long to be. I do this over and over again in the hopes that soon you will miss me as I miss you, that you will think of me in every woman that you see. I lay my heart on the line each time you call me, I know what it is in my mind yet my heart well that is another story all together. I have realistic moments where I know that this is all there will ever be, in your arms there is no forever. I give all that I have to you only for you to to take and take and never once give anything in return. Yes you satisfy me physically but is that enough for me, will that ever cease the desire in which I yearn? No I know that it will not for I have needs that must be met just as you have desires that I can not fill. So I will once again come to you, I will surrender all that I am for you to do your will. I will cry as I make the long journey home and I will ache with the knowledge that this may have been the last time I look into your face. I will shed tear after tear as I travel from lonliness to contentment then back to that ever so bleak place. I will move on for a time and I will be semi happy then I will see your name on the display and I will hurt for you. I will need like I have needed all along but yet I will be unsatisfied until your arms wrap around my quivering body...... like I always do.
Late night ramblings spew forth onto this page, ranging from happy to sad from joy to rage. They rest here for I can think of no better place, they must be released somewhere or I'll carry them in my eyes, my face. They are the moments when I feel that I must share, that overcome my senses with emotions that are far from rare. The loneliness of the night can be found, by reading a poem or two that in this forum gained sound. Words written upon my heart, released in need they had to depart. Better am I for letting them out, although for most they have their doubts. Beautiful words written not beautifully arranged, they come from a mind that is a tad deranged. For those that understand you are in my thoughts, for those that don't it's a battle you've never fought. Judge me not by the whimsical moments nor by the tireless need, instead judge me for who I am by all the good deeds.
Regrets, strong and precise, turning what was once joy into a piercing pain. Dumbfounded by the way things have changed,as if over night, driving me in insane. What I can control and what I can't, such a difference it makes in how you feel. Why I won't turn my back on those I care for, I can't belive this is real. Mistakes are a part of the grand scheme of things, we all make them at one time or another. Yet I must pay for things that others do, I feel like I am about to smother. Silence is the solace that I do now seek. The accusations in your voice are making you reek. I can't see the other side, the place where I was not to long ago. The bullshit of things that do not affect me are now the only things you seem to want to know. I will not play this game for you, I will not play it for me. There is no excuse in pig headed determination, you see only what you want to see. I am not the person that can give comfort when that is not what I feel in my heart. I am not willing to let petty dillusions tear my world apart. Sympathetic and caring, yes those things are what I will remain. Tainted from hate and pity I will never be, those things are nothing more than a drain. They take from you the person that I once knew. They profess such feeling yet nothing else can get through. What happened to the understanding, to the gentleness that I once saw when I looked into your eyes? How can it just disappear, just fade away into the revolving door of lost innocence and lies?


Silently it waits for it's opportunity to get inside. It leaves you baffled there's no where to hide. It slithers around your every desire. It tempts your faith with a sweet smouldering fire. It comes and goes just as it pleases. It offers you serenity it taunts and it teases. It traps you in it's perilous fate. It conjures emotions first love then hate. It spreads its will from here to there. It causes concern for whom you care. It tends you completely til you are in it's fold. Then it refuses to lighten it's strenuous hold. It thrives in the depths of unforgiving pain. It pours over you merciless like driving rain. It stops only when the battle you have lost. It takes it's prize no matter the cost. Life may come and it will go. But in the end it's beauty you will know. There is no option that lets you retreat. It rages within every heart that does beat. The demon some say, that must always win. It takes what you give it and never gives in. Those whom are strong enough can resist for a time. Until they are poisoned by the one unforgivable crime. It varies yes, from what is in their heart. Yet it never leaves them standing, it tears them apart
Deeper and deeper into oblivion she falls. Banged and beaten from hitting the walls. There was no escape that she could find. She gave up long ago disappeared into her own mind. Sorrow and grief the understatements of all time. No one will know how much she paid for her crime. She judged herself harsher than any judge or jury. She relentlessly paid with anger and fury. An angel who fell from all of our grace. She now resides in a much better place.


Intense in it's journey throughout the weakened body it travels. Radiating through the being causing thought to slowly unravel. No relief can be found from it's constant persistence. There is no cure only the body's natural resistence. The source internal, disturbing body and mind. The answer lost somewhere that we have yet to find.
He slithered in where there was not suppose to be an entrance. He wove a spell of complacence leaving her in an unbreakable trance. She hears him call to her, his words travel clearly through the night. She awaits his orders knowing that only with him can she truly take flight. She does not see the dangers that await her on the other side. It is not love nor is it lust it is simply a feeding for his pride. He does not want nor need her, he only needs himself to be content. She wants him desperately and can not see that her time is being misspent. She will have to fall for the trance to finally be broken. My only hope is that she keeps his cold lifeless heart as her single token.


Looking into her eyes is like looking into a mirror that takes me back in time. The same disobediant glare is refected as she begins to immitate and mime. There is nothing I can say to get through to her I know. She will continue down this path until the pain will radiate and begin to show. Then possibly she will come to me for help, for advice on where she has gone wrong. I'll then look at her, hold her close and explain that we all have to experiment to find out where we belong.
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