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First off - HAPPY BIRTHDAY to day july 4th.
Today would have been your 71st birthday. It has now been 12 years since I got to see you - talk to you - listen to you - hug you - tell you in person how much I love you - and laugh together with you. All the memories are so strong I feel as today was like 2 days before you died. I talked to you on the phone before your surgery. Do you remember what we promised each other on that day? I do - and I try my best to keep that promise every day. You wanted me to live my life as I knew and felt was in my best interest.
You did not want me to say *have a good one* - you wanted me to say : *I see you on wednesday dad* - I did as you asked me. That following monday morning you had open heart surgery. I woke up when I knew they were prepping you. Couldnt get any rest after. I knew what time they put you under for the surgery. I talked to the nurse all morning. She told me after one hour that all looked oki so far. They did all they could to repair your heart and all the major vaines going in and out from the heart. After 3 hours she did not want to tell me how things were going. I asked over and over again. Finally she had to tell me you have had a full cardiac arrest. Not one time but 3 times. The last time they got you back - but did not know how it would go. They stabelized you and you went in to recovery. About 2 hours after you got in there you had one cardiac arrest again. They had to take you back into the operating theater - open up your chest again and used paddles directly on your damaged heart. That did not go well... They told me after you were dead that you have suffered a braindamage they didnt know the extent of.
I felt so guilty for many years. The resaon for that is simple - I told them to let you go. Cause knowing you as I did and do - you would NOT want to be laying in a bed not able to live life to the fullest - cause thats whet you ALWAYS did. No matter what. Full speed at all times -even the last year you lived. You tried even to hide from me how sick you were. I asked you over and over again - you kept telling me you were oki. I knew you lied - but my respect and love for you made me listen to your words and not go any further.
It took me many years of terapy to get to the point that I dont feel guilty any more for asking them to let you go. Cause I know it was the best for you.
I miss you every day of my life - on this day it is worse than ever. cause we always had so much fun on your birthday. :-)
You kept saying - America is celebrating me!! They have parties - fireworks ( you loved that ) and picnics in your honor. And The Castle was having the Norwegian flag on top just for you ( the Queen also have her birthday today ).
It was the only day you tasted a glass of champagne. And only one! You never got used to the taste. But - Jack - well - we shared a *few* botlles over the years. I do to this day and tonight I will have a BIG glass Gentlemans Jack just for you!
I love you Dad! Always have and always will. You are my ONE TRUE HERO! Hey - I play Free Bird for you!! And I cry - and I smile.
Sessa and I talk about you - she also do as I - cry - smile and laugh. Her clearest memory of you are your hands and your voice. We have lit the candle for you as always.
I see you Dad - I feel your precens.
We meet again - and have a BALL!
Love comes you way - I know you are in a better place now and have peace. No pain - all smiles and joy! I am well aware that you keep track of me and my life. And at times you pull my ears! Telling me to go the other way :-) Thats is quite alright - I need it now as I always did!
I feel your hand on my shoulder - you gentle hand that strokes my cheek. I know you are HERE!
I love you ALWAYS !
Torill @ her desk - july 4th 2009
