TonyaLady of Liliths Lair's blog: "Hello everyone!"

HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE FRIENDS ON YOUR LIST YOU NEVER HEAR FROM? HOW MANY OF YOU PROMOTE LOUNGES OR CONTEST WITHOUT EVEN SO MUCH AS A REPLY? WELL I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BUT I'M ABOUT TO START DELETING THESE PEOPLE. NOT BECAUSE I'M WHINING OR BEING A BITCH, BUT JUST BECAUSE THERE DEAD WEIGHT. THERE ARE SOME REALLY COOL LOUNGES OUT THERE, AND SOME FUN AUCTIONS AND CONTESTS. AT LEAST STOP IN YOUR FRIENDS LOUNGE AND SAY, OR JOIN A CONTEST IN SOME WAY TO SEE WHAT ITS LIKE, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, REPOST FOR THEM, OR SB AND SAY TY OR SORRY BUT NO. YOU NEVER KNOW, YOU MIGHT JUST MAKE SOME AWESOME NEW FRIENDS!!! DON'T JUST BE A "GHOST FRIEND". ANYWAY, THANK YOU FOR READING MY RANT. RESPECTFULLY, Tonya~Lady of Lilith's Lair

its not fair. they go and give you all this hope, but then they expect you to do things that if you could do in the first place, you wouldn't take such drastic measures to lose weight in the first place. fuck it! i'll be fat and miserable til i dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *update...12-10-07 so here i am 4 months and 5 clinic visits later to find out i am no longer a candidate for surgery because of the severity of my goddamn mother fucking depression and need to find more intensive therapy.?!?!? WTF??? like i havent tried that for the past 2 years!!! and, im depressed because im soooo fat. im fat because im depressed. back to square fucking 1 !!!

Most of you know i have depression pretty bad. I know very few of you will read this.IDC. I'm not even sure why I am posting this because it will accomplish nothing. Im not looking for pity or attn, (well, maybe a little to be honest...lol) but seriously, i just want someone to know how i feel. Fucking irony! I am afraid of not breathing, yet i have asthma, and i enjoy smoking. I always wanted to be the one who turns heads, yet, i am obese, and i enjoy eating. I want to die, but i dont have the balls to kill myself. Now this is the part i never talk about. The truth is, i think about it all the time. I think about how to do it, when, how would i be found and by who. And who would care, seriously? I know Tim would be devastated! (plz see previous blog) My daughter would be crushed, maybe a few friends. And how many drama seeking posers would use it for pity points? FUCK THEM! I have seen ppl react when someone from fubar dies. I am not impugning anyones pain but you KNOW most dont really get affected in anyway. But what if there was a suicide? Would you think "did i see the signs? did she ever reach out? could i have stopped her?" I'm not saying i'm gonna do it. Like i said, im not that brave. But if i did, you cant dare say i never reached out! I DO NOT want to be talked out of anything. You must understand, my life has no meaning, purpose or pleasure anymore. And i brought it all on myself. I have no plans to do it as of now. I just wanted to be heard

I so do not deserve him. He's been so patient and caring and i do nothing in return for him. he deserves the perfect woman for him, and I'm just not her. I might have been at one time a long time ago, but i can never be that woman again. Its easy to sit there and think "stop whining and get off your ass and take care of him then". Its just not that simple. I want to be a normally functioning and thinking person, but I'm not. I keep whining and complaining "oh poor me". Well FUCK THAT!!!!! POOR TIM!!! How dare i complain! Let me tell you about this man. He works hard, despite the fact that his doctor wants him to stop because he hurt his back bad and its getting worse. And he had a heart attack last year too. He needs to take it easy, instead, he adds taking care of me to his list of obligations. He wakes up at 5am, works 12 hours or more, comes home, feeds the cats,tends to me (i have been bed confined)does the shopping or errand running. Then cooks. By the time he's done eating he has to get ready for bed only to do it all over again the next day. He has no time to enjoy the few simple things he likes to do. And still, NEVER complains. He doesn't ask much from life, and deserves the simple things he wants and needs. Stability, security, happiness. He is so sweet and kind and generous. Not to mention hes attractive and AMAZING in bed!!!! He is the kind of man that will never pressure you into anything. He deserves someone who would love him, take care of him, and let him pamper and spoil them cause thats just how he is. Of course, he is free to see other women and date who he pleases, but he has no confidence and he's afraid of hurting me. Nothing would make me happier then to see him happy with someone. The guilt of being his burden is becoming too much to handle. So instead of crying for attn for myself, my wish is getting him some well deserved love and attention. And most of all happiness and fulfillment. Gypsy18519*** Lone Wolf Wandering and P.T .Dj for Lilith's Lair***

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I am so tired of being hurt. Why can't anyone just be honest anymore? I know I come off sad and needy but why do you feel the need to use that for your own amusement. You come off all sweet and seductive, make me feel like i might be attractive to someone. Then i let my guard down and start being less reserved and thats when you always start to ignore me. I too fragile for this this shit and I HATE YOU ALL! You guys know who you are. FUCK YOU!!!!

Wicked Witch There is a demon An evil mind Inside us Oh I know, I know We all know the rules When water will be shed The wicked witch is... This is the end of all the miracles Farewell to you yellow brick road Everything she is asking for It all belongs to her Now she's gone into nothingness There she waits Still I can hear her singing in the room In the room I know she's gone I've thought "She'll never fail, All magic will be gone The day she'll melt away" This is the end of all the miracles Still I hear her singing in the dark Truth has changed, her voice it stays the same Farewell to you yellow brick road Still I hear her singing in the dark While times goes on her voice will fade away "They are all, they're everything, they are mine Silver shoes you're mine, you are mine You are mine." Hate will live on This is the end of all the miracles Farewell to you yellow brick road The wicked witch is dead...