Most of you know i have depression pretty bad. I know very few of you will read this.IDC. I'm not even sure why I am posting this because it will accomplish nothing. Im not looking for pity or attn, (well, maybe a little to be honest...lol) but seriously, i just want someone to know how i feel.
Fucking irony! I am afraid of not breathing, yet i have asthma, and i enjoy smoking. I always wanted to be the one who turns heads, yet, i am obese, and i enjoy eating. I want to die, but i dont have the balls to kill myself.
Now this is the part i never talk about. The truth is, i think about it all the time. I think about how to do it, when, how would i be found and by who.
And who would care, seriously? I know Tim would be devastated! (plz see previous blog) My daughter would be crushed, maybe a few friends. And how many drama seeking posers would use it for pity points? FUCK THEM! I have seen ppl react when someone from fubar dies. I am not impugning anyones pain but you KNOW most dont really get affected in anyway.
But what if there was a suicide? Would you think "did i see the signs? did she ever reach out? could i have stopped her?" I'm not saying i'm gonna do it. Like i said, im not that brave. But if i did, you cant dare say i never reached out!
I DO NOT want to be talked out of anything. You must understand, my life has no meaning, purpose or pleasure anymore. And i brought it all on myself. I have no plans to do it as of now. I just wanted to be heard
