Icarus's blog: "Hope- by any other name."

I find my self once again in a strange state of disillusion.
I'm looking for property again, not a partner.
Everytime I get into this situation I have some odd battle of making a pet into a confederate, when the truth is a pet just wants to be taken care of.
Even the ones that bite.

They have no interest in improving their standing even to benefit their self, their partner, or the partnering.

Pets are no damn good.

But the cause of the disillusion is not this realization.
I'm once again prepared to give up on finding an equal.

Oh my yes... so melodramatic, pause for dramatic gasps.

This has resulted in a sudden loss of interest in ... well... anything, but I find being in a relationship in some way affirming.
But at the moment, I think I'm too emotionally detached and uninterested in other people's lives to really put anything into/get anything out of another person.

I know, its an ongoing problem with me.
Like... having freckles.

At the moment I just need a doll.
Someone devoid of negativity, strong dislikes, and pressure.
Something to play with, and discard once I've outgrown it...
or to treasure it forever
but as nothing more than a cherished innocent memory.

A faint whisper of my humanity...

*sigh*

Did I mention most parascience types won't go near me
because I give of a null-void kinda vibe? I've had readers just stop point and jabber in terror.

If I were to describe to you my essence as a mask
it'd be completely featurelss
completely blank.

What you've met is a superimposed persona on top of a deleted one, trying to remember, or play human.

I can't help but say that this translates into my interpersonal relationships.
While I often daydream about some epic romance of tragic proportions, I really can't say that I've ever met someone that I wasn't just attracted to, and thought I could be happy with.
But it seems normal to be "happy" and "with someone" so... I've tried to mimick those qualities.

I guess I don't know what I want, and how to be happy because there's nobody here.
It's merely a nuissance because it makes fitting in more difficult.
Or rather... maybe I feel cheated because its another one of those things I can't experience legitimately.

But its no worse than a rash, or a sneezing fit from hayfever.