This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American
company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really
gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
ri ding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has
to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company
smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.
I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing
you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I
type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently s urging through my
body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America
is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings
me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of
cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kid ding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescen ding bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always...
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
