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Men and shopping

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Wal-Mart.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against Mr.
Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7:  Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code
3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away.. '

5. August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M & M's
on layaway.

6. August 14:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:  While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:  Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:  In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13.. October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.

15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

camping trip

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank 's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.. Frank 's friends are very upset that he

 can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up,

 firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?

 

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes

 and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.

The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

 

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

 

So, Here I am

stupid people

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen
nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

 

TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

 

THREE
A woman at  work was seen putting a credit card into her  floppy drive and pulling it out very  quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy' (keep shuddering!!)

 

FOUR
I recently  saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her  car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and
manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

FIVE
Several years  ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

 

SIX
A mother  calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if  she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!! 

John Wayne

2009 Darwin Awards

A tough choice for  THE WINNER this  year!!   

    And once again,  it's time for the Darwin  Award Nominees.  The
Darwins are awarded every  year to the persons who died in the stupidest
manner,  thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.  This year's
nominees

    Nominee No. 1:  (San Jose Mercury News): An unidentified  man, using
a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole
in his gut.    

    Nominee  No. 2:  ( Kalamazoo  Gazette):  James Burns, 34, (a
mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was  trying to repair what
police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend  to drive the
truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain
the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something however
and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive  shaft." 

   Nominee No. 3:  ( Hickory  Daily Record): Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC .  Awakening to
the sound of a ringing telephone beside  his bed, he reached for the phone
but grabbed instead  a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he
drew it to his  ear. 

    Nominee No. 4:  (UPI, Toronto): Police said a lawyer demonstrating
the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto  skyscraper crashed through a
pane with his  shoulder  and plunged 24 floors to his death.  A police
spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell  into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion  Bank  Tower  early Friday evening as he  was explaining the
strength of the building's windows to visiting  law students.  Hoy
previously had conducted  demonstrations of window strength according to
police  reports.  Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm  Holden Day
Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one  of the best and
brightest" (ed  note: ????) members of the  200-man  association.    

    Nominee  No. 5: (The News of the Weird): Michael Anderson  Godwin
made News of the Weird posthumously.  He had spent several years  awaiting
South Carolina 's  electric chair on a murder conviction before having  his
sentence reduced to life in  prison.  While  sitting on a metal toilet in
his cell attempting to fix  his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted.    

    Nominee  No. 6: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal
explosion  in Dunkirk , IN.  A Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to
check the barrel  of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon 
discharged in his face, sheriffs' investigators  said.  Gregory David Pryor, 19, died
in his parents'  rural Dunkirk home at about  11:30PM.  Investigators said Pryor was
cleaning a  54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing  properly.  He was using the lighter to look into  the
barrel when the gunpowder ignited.    

    Nominee No.  7: (Reuters, Mississauga ,  Ontario ): A man cleaning
a bird feeder on the balcony of his  condominium  apartment in his Toronto
suburb slipped  and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was
standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said  Inspector Darcy
Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It  appears that the chair moved, and he
went over the balcony," Honer said.    

  Finally, THE  WINNER!: (Arkansas Democrat Gazette):
   Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and  struck a tree near
Cotton Patch on State Highway  38 early Monday.  Woodruff County Deputy
Dovey  Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight  Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and  Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock ,
were returning  to Des Arc after a frog catching trip.  On an  overcast
Sunday night, Pooles pickup truck headlights  malfunctioned.  The two men
concluded that the  headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned
out.  As a replacement fuse  was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22
caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the  fuse box next to the
steering-wheel column.  Upon  inserting the bullet the headlights again
began to operate  properly,  and the two men proceeded on eastbound  toward
the White River Bridge .   After traveling  approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing
the    river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and  struck
Poole in the  testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the
pavement, and striking a tree.  Poole suffered only minor cuts and
abrasions from the accident but will require extensive  surgery to repair
the damage to his testicles which will  never operate again as intended. 

   Wallis sustained a  broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God  we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls  off, or
we might both be dead," stated  Wallis. 
 
   I've been a  trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but
this is a first for me.  I can't believe that those two  would admit how
this accident happened," said  Snyder.   

    Upon being  notified  of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked
how many frogs  the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the  truck.
Priorities, after  all!

    Though Poole and  Wallis  did not die as a result of their
misadventure  as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it  can
be  argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene
pool.  

Winter statistic

98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE

GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.  
  
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM TEXAS AND THEY SAY,

 ‘HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.’

 

gotta love old farts

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question..

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up... He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
  

An elderly gentleman.....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'  

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'  


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'  

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'    

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ....
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'  

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'  

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'  

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'  

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'  

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

silly math

 ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance  

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage  

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy  

______________________________


OFFICE ARITHMETIC  


 

Smart boss + smart employee = profit  

Smart boss + dumb employee = production  

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion  

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime  

_____________________________


SHOPPING MATH  


 

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.  

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.  

_____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS  


 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.  

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.  

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.  

_____________________________


HAPPINESS  


 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.  

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.  

______________________________


LONGEVITY  


 

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.  

______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE  


 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.  

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.  

_____________________________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE  


 

A woman has the last word in any argument.  

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument..  

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED  

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Obamacare

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

 "Hello?"

 "Mrs. Sanders, please."

 "Speaking."

 "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

 "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

 "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

 "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

 "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

 ''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

 "The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

jesus and satan 3rd try

Jesus  and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.


 

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'



 

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed  away.



 

They moused.
  They faxed.   They e-mailed.  
They e-mailed with attachments.
 
They downloaded.
  They did spreadsheets!  
They wrote reports..  They created labels and cards.



They created charts and graphs.



 

They did some genealogy reports.

 

They did every job known to man.



 

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.



 

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.



 

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.



 

Jesus  just sighed.



 

Finally  the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:



 

'It's  gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'



Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.



Satan observed this and became irate.



'Wait!'  he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'



 
God  just shrugged and said,

 





 
                           
   JESUS  SAVES....

Jesus  and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.


 

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'



 

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed  away.



 

They moused.
  They faxed.   They e-mailed.  
They e-mailed with attachments.
 
They downloaded.
  They did spreadsheets!  
They wrote reports..  They created labels and cards.



They created charts and graphs.



 

They did some genealogy reports.

 

They did every job known to man.



 

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.



 

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.



 

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.



 

Jesus  just sighed.



 

Finally  the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:



 

'It's  gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'



Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.



Satan observed this and became irate.



'Wait!'  he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'



 
God  just shrugged and said,

 





 
                           
   JESUS  SAVES....

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