its that time again. this time i think its induced. im trying to shake the habit, im trying to make things change. i think that has a lot to do with what is happening this morning. dead fucking hollow like adam says. thats what today feels like. its been so long that i dont know the rest. i wonder if its worth it? everything was good before i tried to shake the habit and now things are shakey at best. as i layed last night i had all those shitty thoughts pop back in like an unwanted visitor once again. they come back from time to time prying themselves into my day unwelcome but reminding me of how awful and miserable they can make me feel. they bring a long a big giant cooler full of ice cold pain and dispair to pummel my already dismal day. those visons make me hurt. they make me feel desparate and alone. they remind me and i dont like to be reminded of all that shit. how come they always seem so vivid and clear like im watching it all on dvd in high definition display? i fight it and hope that sleep will enter the room and sweep it away like a giant broom or eraser on the end of some mental cleasning pencil. i thought that this would be easy. i thought that the payoff would be huge. so far its not looking like the preview did. but then again they always show you the best snippets even if the show as a whole is worthless to get you to think that you cant do without it. than you walk out feeling ripped off and violated. they wasted a piece of your existence and you will never get it back. i told myself i was fogging out the time and that it would all be better. i need to believe what i told me. i need to make it work. but i know nothing else. so its like walking into a room full of strangers and just how that makes you feel. association is deadly. justifacation makes you feel worthy. i need a goal. i need an achievement that i can hang on. i need to be strong. i sit here in my cage and hide from the rest of you to keep inside all that i dont want you to know. it was supposed to be better like a life line or super charger. it was supposed to make sense and fall into place like nothing at all. all the scenesters kinow nothing, but you fall into that trap of thinking they do and begin to doubt yourself. the world still turns and the sun still shines, so why is it different than the rest of my days. i need a change and prehaps i need a scare to shake the dust and deadly old habits off my days like blowing the layers off the shelves in the attic. sleep is overrated but essential to life. i get it and i live in a better place than what i have when i dont, but shaking off its effects always seem to be tougher when you have nothing to look forward to. i wish i could give everyone everything they ever wanted. i wish i could pay the bills. i wish i could by us all happiness. i would love to change my world. but that would bring another page of problems and concerns i never knew before i had that forementioned warehouse full of everything in the the world. i struggle to find strength to build it in myself. i talk a lot of good words when aiming them away, so why cant i use those words to strengthen up my day? i know its not as bad as the snowball i always seem to create, but i have a habit of building up the bad blocks into a big ol wall inside my mind that blocks the progress of sunshine and happiness. how come that same crew cant knock it down and recycle the bricks into a window filled super wall that lets the sun shine in and makes things glow in a positive light that brightens up myself and everyone around me. im good at hiding but bad at lying. so dont ask me to die.
