Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay,
we can play that game again!"
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the
Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to.
They've already been named."
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from
those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on
little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she
looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy
planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told
my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just fuckin beautiful!
One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage
S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father
got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine
to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the
decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all
that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you
up to there, Johnny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of
one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
"Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you
were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
"Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fuXXing difference?" asks the father.
"That's Exactly what I said!"
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when Little Johnny delivered his pizza.
"Well," Little Johnny replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that
if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," Little Johnny said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the man.
"Applied psychology," replied Little Johnny.
Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son
of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight,
the son of a bitch...'"
"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords."
"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to
recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain.
"Oh, heavens" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say,
'Two plus two, the sum of which is four."
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip.
"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "How about I lie and say we went to Ohio."
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious,
he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to
tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid
down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story,
suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face
when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the
woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that
same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff do when Daddy is away on business trips."
It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher
went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well,
counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20.
Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without
any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet.
It's third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made
it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That
evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that,
compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him.
That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times
bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils
of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey,
and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting
a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the
bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?"
the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said,
"I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up,
shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher
held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"
