Am I running away from my past, the pain I caused my self and ones that were created by others . Why do I feel this way. I shouldn't. Right now I failed at love, of a career,and school. I never have been able to finish anything. Disappointments and sadness dot my life and I seem to dwell on them. The good things in my life are minute comprare to the mountain of pain I have felt. the things I am proud of were reduced to nothing I feel insignificacent,worthless inside, at times. Now is the time to put them aside even the problems that are not at all resolved. I have to make time for myself even though another adversity thas been thrown in. I can't and won't dwell on only that. Life is too precious to me now. This is My time now. So I may be running away but, maybe I'm repairing the damage. Yes nowI'm looking for pleasure. I want to find the men in my life who can accept me for me and a man who can make me happy that will take some time. Right now that is secondary to what I want now someone to worship me and make me feel the pleasure that's been taken away cheapened by someone I thought would love me in the end but, he didn't. I couldnot give him what he wanted. Though I gave him so much of me. My esteem and self worth was shattered. For awhile thats all I thought of and at times still do. I don't regret what was, It gave me my sensuality back a reason to be a whole woman not the unick. I had was no desire for that closness that was lacking in my life I lived only for my daughter so only her needs were met. I went back to school and got good grades. My life and my mind was unravaling I was going down for the count my emotions were out of control. I tryed to rekindle with the love of my life but that hurt from the past returned. I was not ready to face it and knew it but i didn't give up till I realized that I will forever love him no matter how many times he broke my heart. I would never get that love returned no matter what and it happened again. They did not want me at all they saw a willing body. Nothing more.
Maybe I am running away maybe not. I may be making up for what I lost on time I should have been looking for options to not repeat the past but looked for the easy attainable option and settle for it like I settled for everything else.
Let me live, let me enjoy now, so someday my past will catch up but, I don't want to live in the dispair of that past let me move to my future whatever it holds for me. Let me find the happiness I have yet to find, let me make my own mistakes. I don't regret the past ones. They enriched my life,they shaped my life. That past made me accept who I am, look beyond my past.That past even awful part made my smiles and tears worth it to live.
