broccolli's blog: "funny"

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you , Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. ' The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do . I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him'. The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'*

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

>>SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE; >>SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE >>SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL >>SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. >> >>PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, >>YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. >>I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, >>BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER. >> >>SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE >>AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL, >>BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, >>HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL. >> >>YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, >>AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER, >>BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' >>I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER. >> >>BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, >>JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. >>MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE. >>YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

A State Highway employee stopped at a farm to talk with an old Iowa > Farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new > road." > > The old farmer said, "OK, but you can't go in that field over there." > > The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government > to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on > your farm land." > > So the old farmer went on about his farm chores. > > Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highway employee running > for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was > madder than a nest full of hornets and was gaining on the State Highway > Employee at every step! > > The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!" >

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little: Once upon a time ~~~~~~~~ in a land far away, ~~~~~~~~ a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess ~~~~~~~~ happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. ~~~~~~~~ The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. ~~~~~~~~ One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am ~~~~~~~~ and then, my sweet, we can marry ~~~~~~~~ and set up housekeeping in your castle ~~~~~~~~ with my mother, ~~~~~~~~ where you can prepare my meals, ~~~~~~~~ clean my clothes, bear my children, ~~~~~~~~ and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " ~~~~~~~~ That night, ~~~~~~~~ as the princess dined sumptuously ~~~~~~~~ on lightly sautéed frog legs ~~~~~~~~ seasoned in a white wine ~~~~~~~ and onion cream sauce, ~~~~~~~~ she chuckled and thought to herself: ~~~~~~~~ I don't fuckin think so.

UNANSWERED PRAYER? The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked. BEING THANKFUL A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says a prayer for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" EXPRESS PRAYER Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?" UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle. and He just then did!" TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir," the boy replied. "And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked. "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime." THE BLESSING My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said , "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wif e said. Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS? When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!" SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating rightaway. "Johnny wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to," The boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house." "That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND A SLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK,. SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU". WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE. WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED." BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Kelly or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Kelly came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Kelly, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

1) NUDITY > >I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a >woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark >naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from >the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" > >2) OPINIONS > >On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from >his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not >necessarily those of his parents." > >3) KETCHUP > >A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her >struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the >phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's >hitting the bottle." > >4) MORE NUDITY > >A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker >room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies >grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement >and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy >before?" > >5) POLICE # 1 > >While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was >interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my >uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued >writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the >police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she >said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" > >6) POLICE # 2 > >It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the >station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and >I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he >asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then >towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" > >7) ELDERLY > >While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly >shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She >was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, >particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her >staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for >the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The >tooth fairy will never believe this!" > >8) DRESS-UP > >A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party, as they so often >did. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you >shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" ?"You know that it >always gives you a headache the next morning. " > >9) DEATH > >While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard >the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his >5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that >proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton >batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. >The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with >sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always >said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into >the hole he goooes." > >10) SCHOOL > >A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting >my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they >won't let me talk!" >11) BIBLE > >A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered >through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked >up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been >pressed in between the pages. >"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, >dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think >it's Adam's underwear.

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN.... A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried.