Over 16,513,706 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?

broccolli's blog: "funny"

created on 05/14/2007  |  http://fubar.com/funny/b82655

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - Just the stone cold truth of our great riendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against The sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend". Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true

funny AND true....

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothin g. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30? Number 2 In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. And the BONUS thought for today "Life is like a jar of jalapeƱos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow"

BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away.. Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????' CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW in to a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'. She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKETA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young blonde goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hu rt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The blonde took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' PETS A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO.......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs.'

a womens poem

He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him... Like his mother used to do.

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"? "Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
A Must Read !!Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rainIt was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked , I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.With all the jokes and fun that is in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought I could share with you.The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;They just make the best of everything they have.I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employe e's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's bus y", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. < /FONT> Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helico p ter" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the bo ss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Stil l whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME ."

Chu Chu train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongingswith you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

brain teasers

Just for fun here are five brain teasers. See if you can answer without looking at the answers. 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? 3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? 4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? 5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching! Answers below... Brain Teasers Answers: 1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. Don't you feel silly now? 2. The woman is a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry. Yeah, you should have paid closer attention to wording. 3. Charcoal. This one it tricky. Only old-timers can remember using coal for heating... 4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! Duhh! 5. The letter "e" - the most common letter in the English language - is missing from the entire paragraph! This one was hard. If you got this one - give yourself a pat on a back!

Atheists' Holiday

I don't know if this is a true story, or not, but I love it! Enjoy! Have you heard about this case? Great answer from the judge! In Florida , an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!' The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!' The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate, his own atheists' holiday!' The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?' The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!!
last post
16 years ago
posts
69
views
8,010
can view
everyone
can comment
everyone
atom/rss

other blogs by this author

 16 years ago
thoughts
 16 years ago
Final Inspection~
official fubar blogs
 8 years ago
fubar news by babyjesus  
 13 years ago
fubar.com ideas! by babyjesus  
 10 years ago
fubar'd Official Wishli... by SCRAPPER  
 10 years ago
Word of Esix by esixfiddy  

discover blogs on fubar

blog.php' rendered in 0.2994 seconds on machine '191'.