broccolli's blog: "funny"

For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's show where this story was told, Read this: (And remember it's a true story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. I'll be right back and we'll go to eat" she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us What floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean For you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room.. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed; Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.

Recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN 6-7 lb. chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.) 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste ______________________________________________________ Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed wi th AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS." The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone." That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order"

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, James Cameron's 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99 Clinton:.... Cost - $29.99 Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read Clinton:.... Over 3 hours to read Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love , and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist. Clinton:.....Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill. Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica. Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton:..... Let's not go there. Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember jack shit. Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary, which is basically the same thing.

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- @ PRISON @ WORK You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle You get three meals a day fully paid for You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it You get time off for good behavior You get more work for good behavior The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself You can watch TV and play games You could get fired for watching TV and playing games You get your own toilet You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat They allow your family and friends to visit You aren't even supposed to speak to your family All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars You must deal with sadistic wardens They are called managers You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies You'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep your job! THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far bet ter lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 80 "I want the car, too," he continues. 85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag." Moral of the Story : Women are crazy!!!! Don't mess w ith them!! Just smile and pass this on to those who need a laugh!!!

She was Soooooooo Blonde ... > > * She thought a quarterback was a refund. > * She thought General Motors was in the army. > * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. > * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. > * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign > here:" she wrote "Sagittarius." > > She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... > > * She tripped over a cordless phone. > * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can > because it said "Concentrate." > * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and DON'T WALK." > * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. > > She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde... > > * She studied for a blood test. > * She sold the car for gas money. > * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice > instead. > * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, > "Airport Left," she tur ned around and went home. > > She Was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde... > > * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the > home, she moved. > * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be > speechless. > * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in > the evening. > * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought > stood for "This Goes In Front." > > She Was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde... > *She thought Taco Bell was the Mexican phone company.

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc., etc. Now we have the " Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service ". Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across their backs: F. A. T. A. S. S. The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S . I feel safer already

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night. " The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied " YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."