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broccolli's blog: "thoughts"

created on 08/06/2007  |  http://fubar.com/thoughts/b112336

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007 Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM . Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM . Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday noon , 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined. Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7 :00 PM .. Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!

Enjoy this ONE

What a difference a sad event in someone's life makes. GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...) Isn't it amazing t hat George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very profound and appropriate. A Message by George Carlin: The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too mu ch, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going t o be a round forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Yes I Can!

If you think you are beaten, you are, If you think you dare not, you don't If you like to win, but think you can't, It's almost certain you won't. If you think you'll lose, you're lost, For out in the world we find, Success begins with a person's will, It's all in the state of mind. If you think you're outclassed, you are, You've got to think high to rise. You've got to be sure of yourself before You can ever win a prize Life's battles don't always go To the stronger or faster man, but sooner or later, the person who wins, Is the one who thinks he can.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' > 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' > He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .' > And they say blondes are dumb... > ---------------------------------------------------------- > A couple is lying in bed. The man says, > I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' > The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' > ---------------------------------------------------------- > 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' > 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. > ---------------------------------------------------------- > Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? > A: A rumor > ---------------------------------------------------------- > Dear Lord, > I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. > AMEN > ---------------------------------------------------------- > Q: Why do little boys whine? > A: They are practicing to be men. > ---------------------------------------------------------- > Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? > A: Trustworthy. > ---------------------------------------------------------- > Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? > A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. > ---------------------------------------------------------- > Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? > A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. > ---------------------------------------------------------- > Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? > A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals' > ---------------------------------------------------------- >
Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30ยข? Number 2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. 'Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'.
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, Where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew.............. "They won't let me fart."

recover your happiness

A--Accept Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions. B--Break Away Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life. C--Create Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with. D--Decide Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way. E--Explore Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself. F--Forgive Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes. G--Grow Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way. H--Hope Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task. I--Ignore Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds. J--Journey Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow. K--Know Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter. L--Love Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness. M--Manage Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life. N--Notice Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding. O--Open Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for. P--Play Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness. Q--Question Ask many questions, because you're here to learn. R--Relax Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end. S--Share Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over. T--Try Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish. U--Use Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards. V--Value Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well. W--Work Work hard every day to be the best person you can b e, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance. X--X-Ray Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within. Y--Yield Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road. Z--Zoom Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.
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