crazy69bitch's blog: "Funny"

“Understanding Women” “WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST” She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. “WOMEN'S REVENGE” "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." “UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)” I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. “MARRIAGE SEMINAR” While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here. “CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS” A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo-oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) “WIFE VS. HUSBAND” A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." “WORDS” A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" “CREATION” A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" “WHO DOES WHAT” A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, and show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed say... "HEBREWS :-)mercy

“Top 10 Blonde Inventions” 10. The water-proof towel 9. Glow in the dark sunglasses 8. Solar powered flashlights 7. Submarine screen doors 6. A book on how to read 5. Inflatable dart boards 4. A dictionary index 3. Pedal powered wheel chairs 2. Water proof tea bags 1. Zero proof alcohol

“Too Stupid” "Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." [Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." [pause] "Yes, it is." [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." [muffled] "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." [still muffled] "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power--!?!”... [AAAAAAARGH!]"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!"

“Toilet Paper Is A Necessity” It was in Yugoslavia that I learned to drink plum brandy and that I discovered that toilet paper was a necessity of life. Jon's relatives were very nice people. However, I was sure they wanted to get rid of us when they pulled out the cognac. Now I have been told that there are really good cognac, but I having yet to be served any. It just seems a terrible waste to me to distil white wine into this stuff. Cognac has all the bad properties of poor white wine and none of the good properties of a good whiskey. After two days of cognac even Jon suggested that we visit his other relatives who were vacationing on the Yugoslav Adriatic coast. And so out of the mountains descended the motorcycle gang from hell. Wasn't much of gang as Dean's cycle began to run rough at any speed above 30 mph. It's not at all impressive to have a two cylinder, two cycle Russian car pass you going up hill. But...we finally made it back to Ljubljana. Now here is a real hint. Ride a motorcycle that the locals are familiar with or be prepared to do all your own work. The locals knew lots about BMWs, but they didn't have a clue about Triumphs. The best we could do was an "eine moment" and they would disappear for ten or fifteen minutes. So, we spent the next two days trying to trace the problem ourselves. We'd work for and hour and then try it out. Work great. Load everything up and start out. Problem shows back up in 10 or 15 miles. This was a very un-fun part of the trip. After two days of trial and error when found that the problem was an intermittent connection on one of the connectors going to one of the coils. Don't you love Lucas Electrics? (I forget most you have never had to ride with them. Let me just say that Lucas is know as the prince of darkness and that Sir Lucas, the owner of the company, is reported to have said that Gentlemen do not drive after dark.) I drank a lot of plum brandy during this time and I discovered that a bottle of plum brandy falling from the back of a moving motorcycle would not break 7 times out of 10! I assume that it is something like dropping eggs and has something to do with the horizontal vs. vertical motion. If any of you care to try this out, I would be more than happy of help you drink half the bottle (I never tried with a full bottle.) It was also during this time that I discovered the purity and holy aspects of toilet paper. As you move toward and down the coast of the Adriatic the climate and people become more eastern Mediterranean in nature and aspect. And it was somewhere down here that we began to encounter the "bombsite" toilet in great numbers. For those of you who have not had the opportunity to travel where the "bombsite" is used, please let me enlighten you to the fact that the US style sit-down toilet is not a worldwide standard. In fact, I would guess that a majority of the people of the world uses the "bombsite" as the standard toilet. These toilets consist of a flat porcelain fixture level with the floor. In the center of the fixture is a hole approximately eight inches in diameter. On either side of the hole and slightly in front of it are two pads. The user is expected to approach the hole, do a 180-degree turn, pull down the pants (or up the skirt), backup until the feet are on the pads, and then squat carefully to the proper height. The problem is that unless you grew up with these things, it is a little hard to accurately judge the correct position for dropping your load. I think that it was Dean who came up with the term "bombsite" and it seemed appropriate. Believe me when I say that these toilets are not the place for long contemplative sessions (and I sometimes do my best thinking while sitting). It is also difficult to keep from dragging your pants on the.... porcelain as you squat (I see why many men in some countries wear a skirt type arrangement). Another aspect of eastern culture is that toilet paper definitely is not furnished. Now, get the picture...hot weather, "bombsites", no toilet paper. We needed only one more thing to complete this disaster and it took the form of a fountain (spigot really) beside the road. It was hot. The bikes were hot, the leather coats were hot, and we were hot. The road was two lanes. Traffic was heavy. When the roadside spigot came up, we all stopped and soaked in the water. It was great. Cool, refreshing, and only a slightly metallic taste. Let it be said that my intestines held on for a good hour after we had tanked up. At that point it became necessary to stop immediately. There are few 'public' toilets in Yugoslavia, but severe diarrhea will cause you to forget all about anything but getting your pants down. Jon and Dean thought that the whole thing was very, very funny. They even considered it humorous when I tore up T-shirts to use for toilet paper. They considered it less funny when I grabbed the map and threatened to us it. I exhausted everything we had that could possibly be conceived for use as toilet paper. I even used a few things that could be termed as "highly creative." It was at this point that God saw fit to complete this comedy of errors. Dean and Jon suddenly discovered that they too had acquired my malady. Fortunately for them, we were passing what might be called a 'public facility.' It had no doors and did not look as if it had been cleaned in years, but then I did say that severe need makes any port look good. But God was not finished. She saw fit to include the final two aspects of the equation. "Bombsite" toilets and no toilet paper. As I remember Jon just dropped his bike as he ran for the toilet. Dean at least got the kickstand down. I will say, however, that Jon did have his pants down as he cleared the door while Dean was still struggling with buttons on his. Perhaps it was just as well for Dean that he didn't get his pants down as quickly. Jon planted on foot on the floor pad and attempted a 180-degree spin into position, but discovered too late that the floor was almost as slick as the Yugoslav roads. To put it bluntly, he let go and sat down at the same time. Missed the hole too. Dean actually made it. I was rolling in the dirt. At this point there was some serious negotiations over the remaining "excess" clothing that could be used for toilet paper and clean up. I was definitely negotiating from a strong point being the only one still standing (so to speak). And this is how I learned the godly and holy aspects of toilet paper. Thou shalt always carry at least two full rolls of pure white toilet paper on thoust motorcycle. (Eleventh commandment) (Especially when traveling overseas. bottle water is also a good idea TJ) Well...someone should tell our to be world rider about this as I see that he is no longer reading the group. I was really doing this for him. I have tried to make some of the things that I have seen and learned interesting for him and for you. However, I now have a deadline at work and my next two weeks are going to be 16hour days. So...I'm going to quit for a while. In a few weeks I will ask if there is still interest in my continuing these postings. If there is, let me know and I will go on. Someone asked if these really happened or if I enlarged on these in any way. They did really happen and I have not enlarged on them. This is what life is really like. None of the thing we call life sitting in front of a CRT all day. Take a motorcycle trip; better yet, take three or four months and take a motorcycle trip in a foreign country. Some of it will be great and some of it will be really bad, but you will live! Don't have an itinerary, don't have a time line. Let it flow and what will happen to you will be a lot like the things I have described. They're really real man; every damn thing happened just like I have told it. Go see for yourself and as soon as my kids get out of high school, I'll be back out there with you. Cheers! Tom Johnson's European Motorcycling

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one was a brunette, and one was a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

“Things a Perfect Woman Would Say” I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! God… if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? You're so sexy when you're hung over. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. Let's subscribe to Hustler. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. I'll be out painting the house. I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s; I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. Honey. Our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. Your mother did a great job raising you. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys; it's a wonderful stress reliever. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint! Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings. That was a great fart! Do another one! I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

“The Way Children See Things!” “NUDITY” I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! ”HONESTY” My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. ”OPINIONS” On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." ”KETCHUP” A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." ”MORE NUDITY” A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ”ELDERLY” While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" ”DRESS-UP” A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." ”DEATH” While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son... and into the hole he goes." ”SCHOOL” A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" ”BIBLE” A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

“The Top 11 Signs Your Driving School Instructor is Nuts” 11. Conducts the first week's lessons in two chairs using imaginary driving motions and engine sounds. 10. Keeps stopping in the middle of your lesson to deliver pizzas. 9. Fails you unless you can get the airbag to pop. 8. Instead of emergency brakes on his side of the car, he has a passenger-side accelerator and a mini bar stocked with Wild Turkey and Ho Ho’s. 7. Has "P - R - D - 2 - 1" painted on his fly and keeps yelling, "Shift!" 6. Has a working saw blade on the hood and mutters about "fixing Speed Racer for good". 5. Immediately fails you because his Carmen Miranda-style hat doesn't fit in your Escort. 4. Day One: "Chinese Fire Drills", "Basic Mooning Techniques" and "Reloading a 9mm at 90 mph." 3. Always divides class into "shirts" and "skins." 2. When he yells "England," you're supposed to start driving on the other side of the road. And the Number 1 Sign Your Driving School Instructor is Nuts... 1. Insists you turn off the headlights and "use the Force."

“THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER” Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

“The Drivers License” Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third degree examination. "How old are you?" he asked. "None of your business," replied his mother, shortly. "Okay, then how much do you weigh?" "That's not your business either, young man." The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?" Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper. The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know." Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells. "Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."