Captain Cooter's blog: "For all to see"

I think I may be suffering from an identity crisis...perhaps...maybe, but if I was..would I know?

All my life, I have always thought of myself as what I wasn't. I wasn't a conformist, I wasn't a follower, I wasn't a teacher's pet, I wasn't a dumbass....I never wanted to fit a category, I wanted to be unique. I've succeeded at that...however...who am I? Any time somebody would ask me that, I would always answer the same: I am. I don't define myself, I let the people I know do that for themselves. But...someone should be able to classify themself somehow, right?  Everyone has their own impressions of others, everyone thinks different. But everyone has an impression of themself, or at least how they wish to be...or am I wrong? I don't. I honestly...don't...think of myself. At all. I exist, that's all that matters....or is that crazy?

First things first: I'm wasted.

That being said...I miss many of the people online I used to talk to. Life is hectic, life is erratic, and life is cruel. It has it's ups and downs etc etc etc...but to lose contact with those who make you laugh...sucks. I miss many of you, but have no time or opportunity to catch up. So....open opportunity right here on this post, for anyone who wants to take advantage of it. What's new?

I remember when...

When you used to look at me like you do him. We used to talk all the time. We couldn't get enough of each other. My heart leaped when I talked to you. You were even in my dreams. Now..I rarely see you except in my nightmares. Your voice is distant, your eyes are dead. Carrying on a short civil conversation is like pulling teeth through my anus, I can't wait until you shut your fucking mouth and let me be on my way.

I remember when...

You used to make me laugh, and you laughed at all my stupid jokes. Life was carefree and you made me a better person. Now...you make me cringe, and you sneer at everything I say. Life is tedius and you make me a bitter person.

I remember when...

I couldn't wait to touch you. To hold you, run my fingers through your hair. To kiss your soft lips, and caress your flesh. Now...I ache to be out of your reach. Touching you is atrocious, your hair is an oily knotted mess. Your skin is dry and flaky, your lips are like an oversunned tuna. Sex is an odious task that I'm quick to excuse myself from.

I remember when...

Your voice was melodious, the most beautiful thing I could ever hear. Just thinking of it made me long to hear it again, I wished I could hear you reading the phone book on tape so I could hear it more. Now...I shudder when I hear it, I know there is a bitch not far behind. I'd rather listen to nails being dragged down a chalkboard than your nasly obnoxious whine, it sends shivers down my spine hard enough to make my head hurt.

Just a few examples here..I think you all can understand what I'm trying to say. So...do you remember when?

I'm gonna enter an auction. I normally don't do them but...I figured why not

I need your help. First off, I need to choose an image and don't know which one to use. Perhaps my default? My wheaties pic? My moobs? I dunno

I also need to offer stuff, and I have no clue what to offer. Any advice or demands would be very much appreciated.

Thank you, and have a wonderful day

Ok, so Misfit has been pointing out something, and therefore I'm changing it, which will change almost everything.

No more white lies from me.  From now on I'm going to be 100% TRUTHFUL. No more sugar-coating the truth, no more begging for boobs I don't wish to see, no more compliments just to make others feel better about themselves. From here on in, it's 100% honesty.

So, if you don't want the HONEST TRUTH, don't ask me anything because I am pulling out all the stops

Well, it seems the theme of the moment is losing/deleting friends. This greatly disturbs me, and I was hoping to help ease the pain of some of you.

Many have been wondering "what did I do?" or just thinking "damn, that's really fucked up"..and I really have nothing I can say to you other than: it could be worse. In the interests of figuring out what worse could be, I thought what would be the worst reason to drop a friend....and it came to me:

That's right...not dancing.

So, when you look at your dwindling friends list..sighing at the stupid reasons some are dropping, perhaps questioning yourself over deleting some..just remember:

At least it isn't because you don't dance.

Why is it that us decent-looking, kind, intelligent, pure-hearted folk always seem to be perpetually single..meanwhile the people who shouldn't procreate always seem to find someone?

Seems the best of us are always single, always looking, you think we'd stumble upon each other..but that never seems to work. Somehow the decent people always manage to find the ones who will hurt us, abuse us, take advantage of us, and discard us like trash before moving on to someone who isn't half as good as we are. So while we sit around, pained and broken, jaded with the world, we see others in relationships and become bitter with love.

Meanwhile we take a look at those happy couples around us, and we wonder: "What the fuck? HE/SHE can get someone, but I can't?" Hideous ugly troll women with 8 chins, sparse facial hair,  gargantuan ass, cankles bigger than most men's thighs, a high-pitched screeching voice, and a lingering smell of sweltering pork faintly clouded over by febreeze walking hand-in-hand with a man hapilly smiling. Or a 4 foot tall scraggle-toothed gnome whos pushing 4 bills as he squeezes his pudgy rolls through the door, assaulting your senses with the smell of rancid tuna and old spice as he trapses along in his Hawaiian patterend tent hovering over his bermuda shorts, prominently displaying his vericose veins as they sway too and fro over his dingy ratted socks (one black and one brown) that are brilliantly accentuated by his tan crocs.

And the worst part of it, the biggest slap in the face, is when you look at their partner. No, these two don't wind up together, they wind up with a decent-looking person that YOU wouldn't mind being attached to...who doesn't appear to be blind. That's just life laughing in your face, and kinda mean too.

Come on, fill it out for me. Please!

Copy, paste, answer. you know the drill

1. I know who are you, tell me who you want to be. 

2. Are we friends? 

3. When and how did we meet? 

4. Have I ever gone too far? 

5. What do you think of me? 

6. If I spanked you would you laugh, cry, or just hope that I do it again? 

7. Am I a good friend? 

8. Do you love me? 

9. Do you have a crush on me? 

10. Would you kiss me? 

11. Would you hug me? 

12. Am I your type? 

13. Do you think I am smart? 

14. Do you wish I was cooler? 

15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I? 

16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 

17. Am I loveable? 

18. If you could would you kidnap me and what would you do with me? 

19. Describe me in one word. 

20. What was your first impression? 

21. Was it right? lol??? 

22. If you could give me anything what would it be? 

23. How well do you know me? 

24. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 

25. Do you think I could kill someone? 

26. Have we ever had sex?

27. "HYPOTHETICALLY" If you were unattached would you?

LOL! Its in good fun.