Fixing It After You've Acted Too Emotional
It's time for you to shift your thinking from
fear, insecurity, uncertainty and idealism... and
start finding ways to be the one who helps CREATE
the DEEPER CONNECTION you want FOR YOURSELF. No
relationship can work if you are consumed by doubt
and insecurity - and he's not going to stick around
and try to help you "fix" things.
Learn how to bring positive energy and confidence to
your life and relationship right here:
http://www.CatchHimKeepHim.com/e/12833/ReadyForLove/
>>>>Question From A Reader
Hey Christian, how are you?
I purchased a copy of your ebook yesterday! It's
amazing, it's like my new bible! Woo! Congrats! I
was reading and got really scared when I started
reading on page 124 about neediness. I have pretty
much been doing nearly all off them! But yesterday
I said to myself I would try to change! And I will
for the sake of my relationship! I have been
dating my man for a year this May. Do you think
there is still time for me to get my relationship
back to the way it was when he called me more,
told me he loved me more, and couldn't wait to see
me?
I may sound in denial, but I know it's me that has
been bitching out of jealousy lately. I have been
overly emotional to try to attract his attention
and I have recently become clingy. I am going to
change, as I feel I am pushing him away. In fact,
I feel he has dropped me some hints that I'm
pushing him away. What do you think?
L.W.
>>>>My Comments
Ok, you're doing about 132 different things to
screw yourself up here, and sabotage the good
things you have going.
And the worst part is... you know it.
But you still CAN'T HELP YOURSELF.
Ouch.
Do me a favor and go ahead and give yourself a
good hard SLAP!
Ok, now that you're awake and listening...
Let me address your direct question first,
since I won't be able to get to your whole bag of
"goodies" here.
"Is there still time for me to get my
relationship back to the way it was when he called
me more, told me he loved me more, and couldn't
wait to see me?"
No.
And stop trying. (Go ahead and give yourself
another slap here for worrying about this.)
You will NEVER get back to how you both were
before things grew into a new place in your
relationship.
Period.
And in case you don't see it, the fact that
you're no longer in that early "intense" stage,
and have moved past it together, is largely a
GREAT thing.
But not for you in your freaked out, love
starved mind.
Here's the first thing I want you to recognize-
Relationships GROW and CHANGE.
Sit and think about that simple truth for a
minute.
Think about how every relationship you've ever
had, with each person you've met, has changed from
where it was when it began.
Now that you've thought about this...
I don't know if you see this yet, but it's a
GOOD THING that you've grown past what you had
before.
"But how?", you're wondering.
Because you now have the potential to have
something EVEN BETTER.
Seriously.
Better than the "cutesy, pet-name calling,
spending all weekend in each others arms, not
seeing anyone but each other for days, talking all
night on the phone till your ear hurts, feeling
nervous and anxious each time you're going to see
each other" situation you had when you first got
together.
I know... There's nothing like that instant,
intense chemistry and attraction you feel and
share in the initial "honeymoon" phase.
So what in the world could be better?
I'll tell you...
Something that includes more of who you both
truly are inside.
Something that lets you both live, learn and
grow - independently AND together.
In other words... something that's REAL and
will LAST.
The truth is, in a REAL and LASTING
RELATIONSHIP, things are going to CHANGE - whether
you like it or not.
His feelings will change.
Your feelings will change.
How you both interact will change.
And how much attention each person gives to the
relationship and to the other will change.
These are INEVITABLE, no matter who you are or
what you want from love and a relationship.
So where am I going with this?
Well, what really matters now that things are
changing is how you choose to deal with the
changes.
Instead of RESISTING, trying to prevent the
changes from happening, and becoming scared and
emotional when you recognize change, you need to
learn how to work with it.
So let me ask you...
Are you going to allow the changes to FREAK YOU
OUT, and let your FEAR and INSECURITIES take over?
Doing this will of course keep on creating
negative emotional experiences, MORE DISTANCE, and
worst of all... MORE UNCERTAINTY in your
boyfriend's mind about if you are the girl he
wants to be with.
Or...
Are you going to start learning to LISTEN,
THINK and ACT in ways that create more POSITIVE
EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES, less distance, and bring
MORE CERTAINTY to your boyfriends mind about you
and your relationship?
I take it you're going to choose what's behind
Door #2 - the "learning" option?
Good.
Let's get started.
PERFECTIONISM, FEAR, AND GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY
The truth is you will never get back to where
you were with someone from when you first met.
But in your relationship, you can become 100
times CLOSER than you were, IF you can LEARN to
ACCEPT and UNDERSTAND more about the "whole
picture" of who you both are - for better or worse
- and start to figure out what to do now that
things are more "real".
But here's where one of your biggest challenges
will come up...
By knowing more about the whole picture, you'll
start recognizing LESS PERFECTION about him and
your relationship (which you already are).
And seeing this will keep setting off more FEAR
and INSECURITY in your mind.
But if you bother to pay attention, you'll
recognize the same kinds of imperfections you see
in him, in yourself.
You are also imperfect in how you act out on
your jealousy.
You are also imperfect in your fears.
You're also imperfect in your insecurities.
And you are also imperfect in your desire for
him to be someone or something else.
And guess what?
He sees your imperfections right now too. And
part of him inside wants to either withdraw, or
run from the situation all together.
But remember, he's not perfect either.
I can't tell you how important it is, and will
continue to be for your future relationship, to
develop the ability to "watch" your own emotions
inside as they come up.
That way, you can start to CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE
how to let them affect you and how you communicate
with men.
Otherwise, you're on "auto-pilot" and all the
advice and "truth" in the world isn't going to
help you.
Here's a VERY QUICK TIP about this:
Most of us have those instant, negative, knee-
jerk reactions in our lives when we are running on
"empty" emotionally.
On the other hand, when we're very FULFILLED in
our own lives, and doing the things that makes us
feel "full" emotionally, we are MUCH MORE
confident, calm and in control.
See where I'm going here?
You need to find a way to start GIVING YOURSELF
some of the positive emotional input you're
seeking.
My favorite way, personally, happens to be by
using deep breathing and doing intense exercise.
I want you to find your own way. And stick to
it.
If you do, you'll notice a change in yourself
and how people respond to you everywhere you go.
But enough about that.
Let's get back to your situation
specifically...
There's something IMPORTANT I want you to
realize about where you're at.
The things you used to do that worked in the
"early stages" of your relationship aren't working
for you anymore.
In part, it's really that simple.
So...
You need to learn WHAT WORKS in this new area
or "phase" of your relationship, and of your own
life.
You need to ADAPT.
But here's where it isn't so simple...
The way most of us adapt around change is one
of the areas of human behavior that's most
FASCINATING to me.
Here's why-
Most of us have developed a basic set of
"strategies" we use in our lives, when it comes to
dealing with other people and relationships.
And these strategies were usually born out of
"trial and error" throughout our lives and
developed in response to our specific environments
and the people we were surrounded with.
We'd try one thing... and it wouldn't work.
Then we'd try another... and it would work.
And then we'd stick with the behavior we found
that worked, and use it for years. Sometimes for a
lifetime.
But what happens when something around us
changes?
What does our strategy usually look like in the
face of change?
You got it. It stays THE SAME.
We often spend days, months or years trying the
same "strategies" over and over, even when we're
now FAILING again and again because we KNEW for a
fact that our old strategy worked.
But we keep doing things that aren't working
again and again, until serious frustration sets
in.
Why do so many of us do this?
Well, in part, because our old strategy simply
WORKED, and we got a "pay-off" from doing the
behavior involved.
Which means that the impulse, too, became
"wired up" into our minds to play out
automatically.
So most of us believe, on a deeper level, that
our strategy is what works best. And if we keep on
doing it, the environment around us that has
changed will eventually correct itself.
WRONG!
Don't get stuck in the dead-end cycle of trying
to use the SAME strategies in NEW situations.
It's a sure-fire way to fail - especially with
people and relationships.
To make a long story short...
You need to figure out how to communicate in
the NEW environments you move into.
You need to find a "strategy for dealing with
the built-in "imperfections" of getting truly
close and intimate with a man.
You need a new "strategy" to help a man, and
yourself, open up in a POSITIVE way that brings
you both CLOSER.
You need to figure out how to not just have a
great "start" to relationships and never be able
to make it work after the honeymoon is over, but
how to KEEP the connection, attraction and
intimacy AFTER THE HONEYMOON IS OVER.
And you need to start understanding how
CONNECTION and ATTRACTION works inside a LONG TERM
RELATIONSHIP when you're no longer in a "casual"
dating situation.
The two are VERY different.
By the way, you might want to check out my new
CD/DVD program.
"Natural & Lasting Attraction"
It's got VERY SPECIFIC steps and "How-To's" for
creating that deeper level connection and open
communication that is a MUST for a lasting long
term relationship.
All the details are here, along with video
samples and real footage from real women sharing
what they learned and experienced in the program.
http://www.CatchHimKeepHim.com/e/12833/NALA
Which leads me to the second thing I want you
to recognize that will help you create a better
long term relationship with a man:
You need to start living IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.
Or, on the flip-side, stop living in the past.
I know this isn't some amazing original
insight, but there's something new and important
to see here...
I'll let you in on a little secret I've found
out about a few years back.
It's something lots of women do in
relationships that is completely COUNTERPRODUCTIVE
to their own emotional well being and for the
state of their relationship -
Lots of women play something I call the
"connect-the-dots" game in relationships with
men.
It goes like this...
You become worried about your relationship, and
you start looking for possible signs of danger.
But instead of looking for how things are GOOD
in your relationship, you look to see if you can
find clues that things are BAD.
And of course you start finding all the
"evidence" you need, from the present AND the
past.
So you take past events, conversations,
behaviors, etc. and start to tie them all together
into one giant "conspiracy".
And in just a few rounds of playing your
version of "connect-the-dots" with all the things
you think you're finding wrong, it happens...
You finally come up with "PROOF".
I'm talking about your very own PROOF that
things are BAD in the relationship, or wrong with
the guy you're with.
Which sets you off on an even more intense
emotional tail-spin.
And here's where it gets even more DESTRUCTIVE-
Your guy doesn't have any idea that you're
thinking about these things, since you haven't
really shared it with him, aside from how you've
been acting out your fears and doubts.
But you wish he'd see through how you're
acting, and all the "hints" you're dropping, and
open up and ask you what's REALLY going on.
Sound familiar?
Do you play the "connect-the-dots" game?
Are you an expert at finding the "proof" that
things are going bad in your relationship?
Or that he's thinking about leaving you?
Or that he DOESN'T love you?
IF you are, wake up!
You're not strengthening your relationship...
You're breaking it down and picking on all the
things you fear in a negative emotional way.
Which leaves a man little choice but to see
that you're emotionally OUT OF CONTROL.
Let me ask you... what do you think a man feels
when you're doing this?
And what does this make him think about being
with you?
It often tells a man, on a SUBCONSCIOUS level,
that you don't know how to deal with your feelings
in a way that will create positive experiences for
you together in the future.
It also tells him that each time doubt or fear
comes into your mind, you're not going to be able
to deal with it in a mature and healthy way, and
you'll turn your feelings about it on him and make
it HIS FAULT.
A healthy, fun, attractive, successful man does
NOT want to be with a woman long term who turns
uncertain or challenging situations into NEGATIVE
emotional experiences every time.
He wants a woman who brings amazing thoughts,
feelings and POSITIVE experiences and growth into
his life.
And even if the subject matter is tough or
likely to make you both freaked out, he wants a
woman who is going to be confident and emotionally
healthy enough to work through things with him to
create more CONNECTION - not build resentment and
DISTANCE.
Of course, men have a lot to learn in this area
too, which is also why it's important to pick the
right guy who's done some of "the work" himself.
But the amazing thing I've learned from
observing and working with tons of women and men
is that it often takes just one...
Just one person in the relationship to be the
one to have the emotional "maturity" and skills to
take the potentially negative things they're
confronted with in the relationship, and turn them
into positive opportunities for growth and
connection.
That's why it's time...
It's time for you to shift your thinking from
fear, insecurity, uncertainty and idealism... and
start finding ways to be the one who helps CREATE
the DEEPER CONNECTION you want FOR YOURSELF.
The reality is... it's EASY early on in a
relationship to experience intense chemistry and
attraction.
Which makes it EASY for you both to call all
the time, think of each other constantly, and want
to be with one another every minute.
But when things change, as they always will, it
means you have to learn how to create the
connection and experiences you want in the new
environment.
Right now, here's what I want you to do...
Put to use what's in front of you!
Go to page 85 in my eBook and start going back
over the section called "Setting Yourself Apart
From Other Women".
Once you're there, I want you to take what
you've already learned reading my book so far, and
spend at least 15 minutes thinking about the
question I pose at the start of this section:
"What kind of woman makes a man want to do
romantic and adventurous things, and stay close
and connected with her in the long run?"
Then... write down YOUR OWN thoughts about the
answer to this question - using what you've read
so far in my book.
Then... I want you to take a good long look at
what I call "the single most important thing that
attracts a man for the long term" at the start of
page 86 - and keep reading there about how your
success or failure with this rests on 2 critical
things:
1. Your Emotional State
2. Your External Behavior & Communication
Then go on to read the rest of that section
and note the 5 specific positive "habits" or
traits I list and explain in detail.
There's a TON for you to work with in these
pages that will give you clear steps to change
your needy and "clingy" thoughts and behavior - if
you take the time to think on the ideas and do the
exercises.
HOW EMOTIONAL "DRAMA" EFFECTS LONG TERM
RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN
And let me give you a quick piece of advice
about men here... and about yourself.
Men LOVE their "FREEDOM".
Or what they perceive as "freedom".
You intuitively know and understand this
because you probably have guy friends, a brother,
whoever, and you see how they are.
You see how they have a strong "masculine"
impulse to feel "free"...
To feel in control of their own lives...
To make their own decisions free of what they
see as "obligation"...
And to not be too "tied down" in intense
emotional situations all the time.
You might not see it right now since you're so
focused on becoming closer and committed with him,
but your freedom as a woman is very important to
you too.
Freedom to think what you want.
Freedom to feel what you want.
And freedom to act how you want.
Which is why... you're BOTH going to need to
learn to be CLOSER and MORE SEPARATE at
the same time in your relationship.
I'm talking about a long term "emotional
connection" here that runs much deeper than all
the things you feel when you're together...
So that there's a natural understanding of the
other person when you're doing your own thing,
changing, growing, or when you're not as close as
you have been.
So stop the jealousy, the "bitching" and the
"girly neediness for attention" stuff.
Stop it NOW.
Not only do these behaviors tell your guy that
you don't have an understanding for him, and your
own feelings...
But the way you're acting when you're being
jealous or needy is 100% annoying and very
UNATTRACTIVE.
And most importantly, in terms of your
relationship...
Your behavior is telling your guy, on a deeper
level, that the closer he gets to you, the more
difficult (and less fun and interesting) you will
become, and the less freedom he'll have to live
his life and be free of the intense negative
emotional experiences you create each time you get
scared.
How do you think that speaks to him when he
thinks about you both together in the future?
I've given you a lot of good ideas here.
They will get you started.
But, if you'd REALLY like to learn how to take
control of your love life and relationship, and
move to the next level where you're doing things
that will get HIM to start opening up and creating
great experiences, and bringing you closer from
his end...
Then I'd like to recommend that you try my
Natural & Lasting Attraction CD/DVD program.
It has taken me many years of time, effort, and
energy to really "get" how not just "physical
attraction" works for men, but how the more
lasting, long term attraction and connections are
made between men and women.
If you've been reading these newsletters for
any length of time, then you understand just how
important the idea of ATTRACTION is for men, and
how it's created and destroyed.
*Hint - jealousy and neediness can quickly
DESTROY it... and confidence, positive emotional
experiences, and communicating that you have real
standards and are SELECTIVE when it comes to
spending your time and energy with a man can
CREATE ATTRACTION.
You may have even used these ideas, or some of
the tips I've given you, and found that you get a
VERY different kind of response from men than just
"normal conversation" or having "the talk" about
your relationship like most women do.
Well, in this program, myself and some amazing
guest speakers, will teach you the foundations of
ATTRACTION and what makes possible a deeper and
more lasting CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with a man.
And we'll teach you how to weave it all
together into conversations in ANY situation,
dealing with even the most difficult situations
that end up pushing most men and women apart.
I really encourage you to go here and watch the
video clips of the program.
You'll get a lot from just watching the
samples, as well as the clips of other women
sharing their thoughts and experiences after
working with the program:
http://www.CatchHimKeepHim.com/e/12833/NALA
And if you haven't taken the time to go and
download my online eBook "Catch Him & Keep Him",
then you need to do that immediately. You can
download it right now, and be reading it in
literally MINUTES. It will teach you a TON about
how to control yourself and your interactions with
men in a way that triggers ATTRACTION and makes
him want to keep communicating and opening up with
you...
Go download it here:
http://www.CatchHimKeepHim.com/e/12833/eBook
And best of luck in life and love!
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
