Lady Demonic's blog: "Everyday Philosophies"

1: On SEARS hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. (well thats a givin.. but you know some people will do this just to save time) 2: On a bag of FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (so does this mean we can open the bag up inside the store without paying for them?) 3: On a bar of DIAL soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. ( and how would regular soap be used? and what is irregular soap??) 4: Some SWANSON frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (no shit ... i will just eat it frozen.. duhh) 5: On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (so whos head does it fit??) 6:On TESCO's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) (thats to stupid t0 comment on) 7: On MARKS & SPENCER Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating (No kidding .. if you had ya ass in oven you'd be hot to) 8: On packaging for a ROWENTA Iron: Do not iron clothes on body (what if we are in a hurry?) 9: On BOOT's Children's Cough Medicine Do not drive car or operate machinery (like im gonna let my kid drive my bulldozer around) 10: On NYTOL (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness (isnt that the fucking point) 11: On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children (wonder what those rice dicks were thinking when they put that on) 12: On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (think we drank to much saki that day?) 13: On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use (not even gonna go there) 14: On SAINSBURY's Peanuts Warning: contains nuts ( you mean they are real nuts?) 15: On an UNITED AIRLINES packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (this had to be a rocket scientist who wrote this) 16: On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (only if ya wanna cut ya hands off ..... what a stupid ass)

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

1. If you can see your breath outide on a cold day, could you see your fart? 2.Do suicide hotlines have hold? 3.How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does? 4.Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith? 5. How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes? 6.Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities they are put in an mental hospital, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute? 7.Do coffins have lifetime guarantees? 8. If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money? 9.Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ? 10.Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves? 11. Do pigs pull ham strings? 12.Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille? 13.Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane? 14.If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit? 15. EVER WONDER HOW THEY GREW SUCH NICE EARS ON A DICKHEAD LIKE THAT?

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives. 6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. 8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" 11. My Reality Check bounced. 12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key. 13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. 18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Sweeping and Mopping the floors -- Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs. Any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot. If you don't have a dog or cat... well you are in trouble ... go find one roaming the neighborhood quick! Vacuuming -- Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house ... insisting the carpet looks the same...but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same .company ... keep a chart and rotate. Dusting -- Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable!). For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener. Laundry -- First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes... have a stroke! ..... Cleaning toilet -- Close the lid. Cleaning Shower -- Close the shower door or curtain. Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom -- Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour some Lysol in the trash can ... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which. Taking out the Trash -- If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ... they might get suspicious. Dishes -- Dishwasher ... if it doesn't come off run it again and again ...if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash). I hope you find our list helpful in allowing you more and more online time. As we have all learned frozen dinners and take out foods are a life saver on those days that you just cant seem to get your butt outta the puter chair ... good luck... Hope to see more of you online soon!

You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side ...it'll be a hoot." You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle ."

Totally worthless knowledge ...LMAO If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? ) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig damnit??)

"What things on your Resume really means" 1. I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. 2. I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. 3. I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. 4. I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. 5. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. 6. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes. 7. I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room. 8. I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. 9. I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. 10. I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. 11. I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer. 12. MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced. 13. I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot. 14. I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk. 15. I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. 16. I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out. 17. I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment. 18. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away! 19. I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

TOP TEN LINES FROM INTERNET CHAT ROOMS 1 You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before. 2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself. 3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited. 4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body! 5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out. 6 Yes of course I'm female... 7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend. 8 No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have more then one? 9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop) 10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm horny and could care less, just type) WINDOWS XP ERROR MESSAGES A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system... • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. • BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. • Close your eyes and press escape three times. • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) • Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. • Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" • Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

The Top 12 Things You Should Never Say To Your Boss 12. "I thought this was a real ethical dilemma for a major corporate executive, so I called the folks at '60 Minutes' for some advice." 11. "You know, that hairpiece really draws attention away from your acne scars!" 10. "Okay, I admit I've been taking your lunches from the fridge -- but only to help you lose weight." 9. "Actually, I don't HAVE a personal savior, you deity-worshipping loser." 8. "Mr. Lay? I have some questions regarding a few accounting irregularities I accidentally found." 7. "Hey, boss! It's me! Over here! First time at a gay bar?" 6. "Wow, that girl next to you in the picture looks exactly like this skank who gave me the clap last year." 5. "Bossdude, your daughter and I forgot my bong in the backseat of your Benz last night!" 4. "Is it my imagination, Ms. Fetzer, or is your ass starting to sag?" 3. "Sir, I hope you don't mind that I invited my friend the union recruiter to the company picnic." 2. "Well just between you and me, I wasn't, you know, *SICK* sick." and the Number 1 Thing You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Boss... 1. "My ass itches, so im gonna stand here and scratch it" ..."Why dont you do it yourself