I had a very wonderful afternoon. I spent it walking through Colonial Williamsburg. It was very enlightening. In the beginning, I was doubtful. I thought I would feel a certain lonliness. This was not the case at all. As I transversed the crowd of people around me, I began to reflect on myself. I found myself comfortable with the fact that I was alone. Free to go where I wanted. A flood of emotion overcame me. I began to question my life. I was taken back to a younger age. Before the stresses of life laid their burdens upon my back. Before certain negativities found their way into my heart.
I had lived my life for so long trying to appease others that I had forgotten how to appease myself. I was taken back to my earlier years as a teen in Florida. I would walk for hours in the forests near my home. It was my escape. It was my sanctuary from the abuse I was forced to endure at the hands of my parents.It was me, alone, in the wilderness. I was teaching myself without even realizing it. Teaching myself how to survive....on my own. I learned how to live off the land. It's a lesson I am thankful for still to this day. What was edible and what was not. However, it was not until today that I realized that those lessons ran so much deeper.
It was me on my own. I was responsible for my own destiny. My own survival. My own success or failure. As I walked along, the light smell of lilac and honeysuckle drifted upon the breeze. It was the perfect pre-Autumn day. The temperature was cool and the breeze just gentle enough to be soothing. I began to look at those around me. Strangers, most of them tourists. None even the slightest aware of my presence. I began to think about how dependant I had let myself become on others in my life. I had forgotten those valuable lessons I had taught myself as a youth. I began to question myself. The most profound question being..."Why". Why did I allow others to manipulate and control my emotions in such a manner as to be painful? Was it love? This question burned into my very core. Certainy it could not have been. For surely love was not meant to be so detructive. "No", I told myself, " Love was to be nuturing, uplifting, healthy."
I made my life alter itself. I lost focus on my true self. Preferring instead to concentrate on those around me. This would be my downfall. I hid away my own soul. It lay hidden beneath the surface. Slowly eating away like a cancer. Slamming hard into it's cold prison walls. However, I did not hear it. I knew something was not right. Something missing. It was my true self. My esteem, my self-worth. Instead of hearing it's call I lost myself in feeling the need to have others fill that void. Not fully realizing the means were with me all along to do so myself. It lay in the background causing self doubt and inner turmoil. This self conflict would ultimately prove destructive to my relationships. The hidden catalyst although I would never realize it.
I had dropped my guard. Lost my own will and desires for self-improvement. Instead focusing on the improvements of those around me. Making myself the preverbial "hero". It would bring me self worth but it was fleeting. An illusion if you will. For it was not my own acomplishments but theirs. My motivational talents seemed so good for others tha tin time..they would feel as though I was no longer neccesary. Why could I do this for so many but not for myself? Today I found the answer to that question. I had become engrossed in the feeling that I need someone else to give me that inner strength.It was as though I was living my life through others. No more!!
Never again will I allow someone to have such control over me to effect and determine my emotions and the course of my future in a negative manner.
As I walked along I felt as though a weight had been lifted. The burdens of my past which were laid upon my back suddenly lighter. A wave of self-awareness crashed upon the shores of my soul. Metaphorical walls began to tremble and crash around me. The burning fire that had been snuffed so long ago and smoldering within had once again recieved it's fuel. My senses were awakened. I began to notice everything around me. The intricate dance of light and shadow on the path beneath my feet. The various shades of green on the foilage around me. The intertwining of vines in the vineyards. The bittersweet winds as it blew against my body and gantly brushed my hair in it's delicate kisses. I felt alive for the first time in so very long. I felt content. As one who has been hungry for so long and has finally been fulfilled. My soul was on fire. A phoenix rising fiercly from the asshes and decay of a previous life. I had rediscovered myself. I had let go off a past that had haunted me for so very long. I had remembered the lessons I had taught myself so very long ago of self-survival. More importantly, the lessons of self gratification.
I continued to walk along and those around me became clearer. More in focus. It was thourh this that I further realized what wa simportant yet lost along the way. I was alone. These people did not know me as they made their way along their own pre-determined paths. They would not even recall seeing me in passing. Each of them content with their own goals and destinations. These strangers could go the rest of their lives never seeing me or considering that they had again. An overwhelming flood of certainty bathed me. I was here, in this very moment, alone. It was not a sad feeling, however. I was coming to terms with my own reality. Once again I was responsible for my own survival. I was in control of my own success or failures this day. I felt as one with the world around me. Confusion slothed off of me like mud in a rainstorm. I wa salive. Truly alive. I saw my own spirit. More importantly, I felt it. I have many successes in this life. Fatherhood being the foremost. I began to think to myself. " I am a hero to my son." I could do the most simplistic of tasks and to him it is laced with gold. That spoke volumes to me. Could it be that my son could see all along what I hid away so very deeply, when I myself could not... until now?
Or could it be that his unconditional love trying so desperately to free the me that I wanted myself to be. I will never know the answers to this question. I am content knowing that my son never gave up on me when others have. He tried without either of us realizing it to share some of his own strength. In many circumstances my son..was strong while I was weak. This is not the way it should be. So many times I thought to myself, " how can he be so positive in this storm that surrounds us at this point in time?"
That is how I now feel. The strength of a child. A child has no idea what the future holds yet they enjoy every minute to it's fullest. They strive forward without fear of tomorrow. Content in their own existance. That is how I now feel. I hope that this blog can possibly help others in their times of pain and confusion. If you are lost and running from your true self, I hope this can help you to break your own personal "walls
