ONYX's blog: "What if"

My 2 daughters live here mere blocks from one of the shootings. I am thnkful they were safe. SAMSON, Ala. – A gunman on a terrifying rampage across two southern Alabama counties killed at least nine people Tuesday, including members of his own family and apparent strangers, and burned down his mother's home before shooting himself at a metals plant, authorities said. Police were investigating shootings in at least four different locations in several communities, all of which were believed to be the work of a single gunman who had not yet been identified by investigators. The afternoon of bloodshed began in Kinston, near the Alabama-Florida border, where the shooter burned down his mother's house, according to the Coffee County coroner, Robert Preachers. Officials located the woman's body inside the house, but they had not been able to get inside the still-burning house to determine if he shot her first. The gunman then headed east, into Geneva County, where he shot and killed five people — four adults and a child — at a home in the nearby town of Samson. Then he killed one person each in two other homes. The identities of all the victims were unknown, but Preachers said they included other members of the shooter's family. "He started in his mother's house," Preachers said. "Then he went to Samson and he killed his granny and granddaddy and aunt and uncle." "We don't know what triggered it," Preachers added. The gunman also shot at a state trooper's car, striking the vehicle seven times and wounding the trooper with broken glass. He then killed someone at a Samson supply store, and another person at a service station. Samson contractor Greg McCullough said he was pumping gas at the station when the gunman opened fire, killing a woman coming out of the service station and wounding McCullough in the shoulder and arm with bullet fragments that struck his truck and the pump. "I first thought it was somebody playing," he said. He said the gunman roared into the parking lot and slammed on his brakes. Then he saw the rifle. He said the gunman fired and the rifle appeared to jam, then he "went back to firing." Then he drove off. McCullough, a father of two, said he tried to help the woman who was shot and yelled for someone to call an ambulance. "I'm just in awe that something like this could take place. That someone could do such a thing. It's just shocking," McCullough told The Associated Press in a telephone interview. Police pursued the gunman to Reliable Metal Products just north of Geneva, about a dozen miles southeast of Samson, where he fired an estimated 30 rounds from a semiautomatic weapon, the Alabama safety department said. One of the bullets hit Geneva Police Chief Frankie Lindsey, who was saved by his bullet proof vest. The gunman then went inside the plant and shot himself, according to the safety department's statement. Reliable Metal Products makes grills and vents for heating and AC systems, mainly for hotels. A person who answered the phone at the plant said no one could talk about the shooting. State Rep. Warren Beck, a Republican whose district includes Geneva, said the gunman had worked at Reliable Metal. "My secretary heard gunfire everywhere," he said. "This is one of the most tragic events ever in Geneva County." State Sen. Harri Anne Smith, R-Slocomb, said some of those killed in Samson were sitting outside. "He was just driving down the street shooting at people sitting on their porches," she said. "A family was just sitting on the porch and they were shot." Smith and Beck were at the Statehouse when state troopers came to get them and took them to Geneva County. Smith said the governor's office is sending resources and state troopers are setting up a command post. The towns of Geneva and Samson are near the Florida border in southeast Alabama. Geneva's population is about 4,400 and Samson, 2,000. In the center of Samson, authorities in sheriff's cars and trucks with blue lights flashing blocked off part of East Main Street, where some of the shooting occurred. At Bradley True Value Hardware, yellow tape was strung across the front of the store where at least five bullet holes punctured the glass windows to the store, with its wheelbarrows and Adirondack lawn chairs on display. An orange-and-black sign to the store reading "Closed" lay on the ground outside the store atop the glass shards. David Bradley, 51, the owner of the hardware store, said he was inside behind the counter when the shooter opened fire outside his store. At the time, there were five customers inside, plus Bradley's 27-year-old son, Justin. "No one was injured inside the store," David Bradley said, adding he didn't even get a glimpse at the suspect. "It happened so quick."

Read the blogs to your left. They personify who I am inside!

Well, here goes. When I was 5 months old and my older half-brother was two, my dad beat him badly. HE became furious when my brother pooped in the tub and began playing with it. The Louisiana department of wel-fare was called. My brother was black and blue and had cigsrette burns on his back. We were then given to my grand-parents to raise. My grandmother and my Aunt have told me that when they got me I looked like one of those Ethiopian children. They said my stomach was swollen from malnurishment. My Aunt said that I drank 6 four once bottles and then slept for a whole day. It was not until I was four or five that my parents were able to see me again every other weekend. I was always scared of them. Especially my dad. To me, my grandparents were my parents.I hated going there. Things were great. Until I was 8. My grandparents had gotten into an argument about us. Someone called the wel-fare again. I remember being called to the office at school and having to talk to alot of people. My parents had driven in my head the idea that things with them would be so great. We would move to Florida and live by the beach and I could go swimming anytime I wanted to. Which to me was something grand. The welfare people sat me down at my school and asked me what I wanted to do..live with my parents or my grandparents. They told me they had already spoken to my brother Patrick. I asked them what he had said. They told me that he had said he would do whatever I chose to do. At 8 yrs old I was left with a life-altering decision. With thoughts of the beach and things being great, I chose my parents. It soon proved to be the wrong choice. I still blame myself for that choice. For changing no tonly my life negatiely but my brother's as well.The abuse began immediately. The moment we arrived in Florida I was beaten badly with a stick. A fe wmonths later I received the worst beating of my life. My dad punched me and threw me against furniture and walls. I blacked out. I was out of school for two weeks. Not once seeing a Dr. I had marks all over my body. I was told to tell everyone I fell. Yeah...classic. This continued constantly. My dad was insanely strict. We could only have one hand above the table while eating, had to always answer sir or ma'am. If not, something was thrown at us. I recieved the worst of the abuse. Even now my brothers and I still do not know why. We assume because he is not my real dad. We have good reason to believe that one of my uncles is my real dad. This abuse continued into adolescence. I had a job at a nearby seafood restaurant as a cook at 15. My dad would take my paychecks the moment I walked in from work. Luckily my boss knew all of this and would give me 20 dollars cash before even writing my check.I remember my dad coming to my job and calling me outside on several occasions. Once outside he would grab me and push me against the wall threatening me. I had no life. I did nothing and went no where. At 17 I had had enough. I ran away. After work one night my boss brought me to my brothers. The next day my mother called asking my brother where I was. My brother told them I was there and staying and if they did not like it we would go to court. I stayed with my brother for a month before moving back to Louisianna to live again with my grandparents. In a few months I would meet my first love, Penny. We were together for two years until she cheated on me with my best friends. She had gotten drunk one night while I was at work and slept with both of them. Choosing to remain with one of them. This hurt me badly and sent me into my first real depression. Then I met Cody's mother, Shelia. I really thought things were looking up. After a yer she became pregnant.We married during the pregnancy. Cody was my godsend. He was my reason for suffering so much. It would prove short lived however. When my younger brother returned from Germany, he and she had an affair. She then left me for him. taking Cody with her. She tried to have Cody calling him daddy. Cody was 2 at the time. My parents were actually rooting for the two of hem to be together. Giving them their blessing. This hurt so very badly as I had tried to forgive my parents of all they had done. Well, Shelia could not prove herself faithful to even my brother and it was this time that I decided to get custody of my son only months after she left me. She signed him over without a fight. I was involved with a woman shortly thereafter. She and I were together for five years until she left me one day for a family friend. It devastated both Cody and myself. A year later I met my second wife, Crystal, who was already two months pregnant. The father had kicked her out and wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. I took her and the baby as my own. I gave the baby my name. I married her and was on top of the world. I saw the baby as my second chance. I loved the baby as my own and to her I was daddy. I cut her cor dand named her myself...Raven Aurora. We were so very close. Everyone admired it. I have posted pictures of her. BTW...none of my significant others ever worked. It was all me. Well, I had decided to go into the Army to better my family. In basic I became injured. Breaking both knees, ankles, and my heel bone. I then called my wife to tell her about it. Little did I know sh ehad began talking to and fell in love with a man over the internet. She wanted to be taken care of. She actually told me while I was in the hospital that it was over and she wanted a divorce because I was being discharged. When I go tout.things went downhill. I tried desperately to save the marriage. SHe had already made up her mind and soon left to live in Arizona with her real dad, leaving Cody and I stranded in Tennessee, knowing no one and with no car. I have not seen either in two years. I had no choice. I then moved back to Florida. Cody's mother and her husband were kind enough to take us in and help us. I then met Jennifer over the internet. Things went bad after two months of us being together physically. I overheard a conversation between her and her ex. I had been friends with another girl online at this time for about a year, Kristen. Only friends. We fell in love and decided to get together. Cody and I moved here with his mom and family. Not knowing that Jennifer was pregnant with twins when I left. She miscarried after only being pregnant a few weeks. We then decided to be there for each other as friends no matter what. Kristen then moved here and we lived together for about 6 months before she went into the Army and fell in love with another man there. I was devastated. I then moved in as a roomate with Jennifer since we had been friends all this time. ONLY friends.SHe turned around and bailed with bill and grocery money for some guy she met online. I struggled for about two months as many can recall on the verge of being homeless as I had been laid off my job at the time. I then found a new job (the one I am at now) and got my own place and am doing well. I have been single for over a year and have used that time to reflect and truly know myself and what I want out of life. Many here think I am a player of sorts as I talk to many women. First of all I will strongly defend this claim as I dispise players. I have not had sex in over 5 months and have NEVER met anyone off of this site. Yes, I do talk to alot of women as friends. Why... because guys are dumb-asses and dis-resespectful perverts. Who are closed - minded and most can not carry a conversation beyond...."Uhh....hey sexy...wanna fuck?" You laugh but you are the ones drooling over these idiots and making them your "CT hubbies". Yes, I flirt..and yes I tease. No harm in that...as I said..until someone actually stands at my front door....it is nothing but harmless fun. This being said, I am single and I am looking for "The one". Does that mean I am looking here? NO. However, I am not closed-minded to possibilities.There is a great deal that I have not mentioned here as i would preferr to talk about in private. Like sexual abuse I endured and much more. I just wanted to give you the basics of my life.

"AN ANGEL COMETH..." In the darkest hour a voice cries out A call to the heavens in a moment of doubt "Oh lord help me. Show me the way. Provide that which I need to make it through the day. Fill the emptiness in my heart. Lift my very soul. Bring me joy beyond all measure upon which to hold." She arrived as a wave crashing onto the shores of my life. Like the sun after a storm, she drove away the doubt,turmoil, and strife. SHe showed me the man I was, and more-so the man I could be. She came and cleared the clouds presenting the path for which to see. She was unlike any before in showing how she cared. She reached out to hold the hand of the child inside that was scared. In her own unique way, she inspired me to achieve. The dream within my heart, that it was myself in which I had to believe. To look inside myself confronting the demons therein. A welcoming concept...forgiving my own sins. "I cannot hold your hand in this.You must go face it alone. I have pointed you towards the path. ou must go forth on your own." However, I delve too deeply too quickly, not liking what was found. Instead of confronting my past...I let my past back me down. Searching for a way out...to bury the pain within. To face the pain was to endure it...to relive it once again. Running was so much easier...cowering away in fear. Pushing away not only the past, but those I claimed to hold dear. My demons overtook me...denying their demise. I I pushed my angel away...deaf to all her cries. I did not see her hand pointing me back to the path Comfortable familiarity the hurt became. It was all I'd ever had. I caused my angel pain. How neglected she had felt. Where I thought she was judgmental...She only meant to help. Now I stand alone amoungst a sea of fear No one left to accompany me..save for my dreams and tears. I cry out in earnest for my angel to return. I'm haunted by her visage. In my own hell do I burn. Shadows close around me smothering the light. Clouds form once more suffocating what was bright. Lost and alone in a world of my own making. Feeling empty within from a love that was forsaken. Oh to get my angel back. To again bask in her grace. To look into her eyes. To kiss her tender face. To breath her very breath as I hold her oh so near. To be bathed by her warm glow shunning every fear. To feel her touch my flesh as a mother would a child. To taste her lips of gold. To feel her very heart smile. Holding her so close...a secure blanket of love surrounding. Gazing deeply into her eyes as we feel each other's heart pounding. All of this is gone. Cast away into the nether. All the dreams are now lost.All the hopes of forever. The seed of distrust nutured by the shadows... grew to drive a wedge fruiting only demons of woe. Words spoken in anger cut right to the core. Is my angel gone forever..to visit me no more? If I could turn back time, I'd take her hurt away. But if I could would I be...the man I am today? If I could take her pain away, I could take away my own. I would make it so that within my soul I wouldn't feel alone. Where do I go from here? How do I win her back? How do I show her undying love? Can someone tell me that? An angel cometh to me once upon a dream, But facing my own fears was not as easy as it seemed.

It has been a while since I have written anything. Some things have been building up and I just thought I'd share. As many of you know I am single. I have been for over a year and a half now. Many ask why. Well, probably because I have yet to find a woman who is serious about who or what she wants. I also have a hard time finding women who have self-respect or a sense of commitment/ dignity. Many here get caught up in the attention of this site. Albeit negative attention, they are so without it in their physical life that they are sucked into it here. In my opinion, this is a sign of weakness. A lack of self-confidence or control. So many times I get messages from people who claim to be interested. Naturally I think, " Yeah, ok. Let's see how much." It seems to never fail that these people always get sucked into the black hole that is this site. Soon others will show interest in them and they begin to eat it up becoming arrogant and greedy. Always thinking the grass is greener. I usually sit back and laugh at the childishness of it all. I am also amazed at these women who make these nude salutes for these scum-bags. DDon't you have any self-respect? Do you really think you are the only one these jerks are getting to do this? Why put yourself out there as a peice of meat? No wonder you are not finding Mr. Right. No wonder all of your past relationships have been abusive or non-appreciative. To men that is a form of control or possesion. Once a man thinks they have that.it will only increase. Are women that desperate for any type of acceptance or acknoledgement? This site never ceases to amaze me with it's multitude of "characters". I say characters because that is what many here remind me of. Cartoon characters. Also the fact that so many here put on such a performance that only the most naive or blind can not see it. As I have said many times, "Actions speak louder than words." If someone claims "interest" in me. I watch them to see if it is genuine as I refuse to be played. Whether on here or in physical life. Many people think that since it is on here it is not so detrimental. However, it is still interraction. Human interraction. Sure you can cut off the power. However, the knowledge of your actions remain. I don't kiss ass. I don't role over for people. More importantly.... I do NOT lie! I will NOT be with someone or take interest in someone who is playing the feild with every guy that comes along! I will NOT take interest in someone who is consistantly seeking attention or approval from every guy on this site! I will NOT take interest in someone who has no self-respect! Yes, I understand it is just the internet. However, it reflects on real, everyday life. If someone has no respect on here...then how much would they have in reality or in person. If you see someone dressed as a police officer you assume they are one. If you see someone putting themselves out there as trashy and easy.then you also think they are. Anyways..enough of that. I have been very reflective lately. I have been thinking of relationships and love as well. However, because I am not in a relationship, my only basis for analysis is past relationships. I have made my share of mistakes. I am not perfect nor I pretend to be. In reflection I sometimes become depressed. I often wonder if the past relations were the best it is going to get. That is a very sombering thought. I'd like to think I have more to offer and have learned alot from the failures of those. Learned enough to better a future relationship. I have spent the last year and a half basically in a type of reflective isolation. I have used this site to look closely at different behaviors and to study it in comparison to my own. To hypothesize different situations on here using myself a the main focus point. I know this all sounds weird or even geeky, but it has helped me determine who i am and how I would re-act to any given circumstance. Life is about development and growth. If we fail to do so then we are dying. Mentally as well as physically. Therefore, I try to analyze every aspect that I come across. Many times I am merely sitting here watching. Just examining words used...or interactions that take place on here. The makers of this site need commending. As it is human nature to always seek better. It is natural for humans to always wonder if the grass is greener. Which is why this site ..is so effective. As long as we as a whole seek greener pastures...there will always be someone to capitalize from it.I long to be in a relationship. Yes, it is true. However, I refuse to compromise my beliefs and my views on love and life for it. I refuse to be set up to be played or hurt again. I will also NOT have a crush on anyone here until I meet them in person and know that it is genuine. I am sorry but I am not a child. Therefore, if anyone wants to remove their crush from me.go ahead I will not be offended. I am appreciative of it,but it is nothing different than being my friend and talking to me. I would rather someone just tell me straight forward that they like me in that manner.

Self-Confidence As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent. The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily. Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities. Family Orientation As someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent. If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future. And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood. You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this. This natural tendency is easily illustrated by your preference for doing things around the house as opposed to going out to clubs and restaurants. What really sets you apart from people that are low in family orientation is that you know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you are well-equipped to manage a family without letting all the work that is involved wear you down. However, as someone with strong family values, all the work that is involved in maintaining a tidy home and well-stocked kitchen might occasionally make it difficult for you to finish everything that you need to do. Self-Control The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being moderate in self-control can be both good and bad. People may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control means that this may happen occasionally. This can be good in situations where focus and control are very important. However, on certain occasions being able to give in to one’s temptations can be fun and even healthy (as long as it’s in moderation). As someone who exerts a moderate amount of control of your actions, you may find that you exert too much stress on yourself sometimes. For example, you may be inclined to take more responsibility on projects, which may not always be necessary. This might be because you have a slight tendency to focus on the details and feel as though others may not be able to do as good of a job noticing such details as yourself. You might find it difficult to let others do certain jobs, and as a result, increase your own workload and stress level. Having moderate self-control is generally a good thing. Although you have good control over your impulses, you also take notice of your emotions and sometimes take them into account while making decisions. This can be good when making important decisions because you acknowledge that your underlying feelings may be trying to tell you something important. Openness As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions. Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing. Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking. Easygoingness Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to work and play hard. The benefits of being moderate in easygoingness are that you achieve success through hard work, but you also know when and how to relax. Your colleagues and friends likely consider you as reliable and fun to be around. Being moderate in easygoingness can cause you some stress, however. For example, you may sometimes find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently, which can cause stress for both you and the people around you. You may occasionally experience stress by working hard to reach your goals, but you value having fun and just relaxing. Knowing how to balance both work and play is a gift, and you have the key ingredients for doing this. You have enough mental flexibility to think creatively and enough focus to implement those ideas well. This might be epitomized by your occasional difficulty focusing on subtle details, but the ease with which you’re able to adjust to changes in your life. As someone who is neither rigid nor careless, you likely get along with most people well. On the one hand, you recognize the value of working hard and therefore consider such qualities in others beneficial. On the other hand, you know how to relax and thus appreciate people that know how to do this too. Chances are your friends and colleagues perceive you as someone that works hard, but also knows how to have a good time. How does your personality affect your love life? With your strong degree of self-confidence, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner. Given how much you value family life, you probably get along best with people who share your values and beliefs. In fact, it’s likely that you maintain close connections with members of your immediate and distant family. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also values domestic life. Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who also enjoys spending time at home and desires starting a family. On first dates, perhaps you might suggest to your partner that the two of you spend a quiet night having dinner at one of your respective homes instead of going out to a restaurant or club. You may find it difficult to get along well with people that are too uptight or too impulsive. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also has a good degree of self-control. Being in a relationship with someone who has too much might be frustrating because that person might find it difficult to relax; whereas being in a relationship with someone who does not have enough self-control could be frustrating because that person may not always take your thoughts and feelings into account when making decisions. Thus, it might be easiest and most satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who is equally capable of regulating his/her urges, but who also knows how to relax from time to time. Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique. About This test was created by the world’s foremost team of academic psychologists who specialize in compatibility testing, In fact this team created many of the tests you are now paying $60/month for on paid dating sites. You get the same or higher level of quality here all for free!. To read more about our test check out our FAQ page

Pain is the reminder that we are alive. It is the only thing sepreating us humans from Gods. To numb it..is to deny the embrace of life.