Milenko K Bear's blog: "Eh, I dunno"

Have you ever wanted something for so many reasons that no matter how you think about it you always wind up with the same solution you started with. O want and need that in my life. Well I've been getting sick and tired of things and people here and I've been thinking. There are certian people that I want closer in my life even if I don't see them all the time or never get to see them. Like for instanst, I talk to one of them everyday and I really wish I could see her and hang out again. I mean she turned my life around and has been a great friend and I miss her more then anyone anywhere. Yet I can't see her here, barley can talk to her cause of such different scheudcles now. Anyway back to the reasons I made this. Well talking to her, I realized how much I miss her and a few others back in WA. Granted not the greatest place to live but it made me happy and knowing I can hang with my friend makes me happy. The gears are turning, I'm done with this crap. I can't do it anymore, I'M GONE!!! No Matter What, I'll be beside her and my family again.

Don't you just hate when things go so wrong that there is nothing you can do to fix it? Well now I feel that way and the only thing I can do is just say goodbye to her and I did. I'm actually going to miss her. She is a wonderful person but alas I can not and will not live with making mistakes that can cause someone else pain. I should have said nothing and kept to myself. Now I need to make myself a ghost to her......So she can worry about the important ones that won't hurt her. To her all I can say is I'm sorry. If only I knew how to handle things better. Just the fact of knowing that I will never be good enough hurts....I wish I didn't like you in that way. Hopefully you forget me.

Ya know, I don't normally do this but its eatting me away inside. This damn nightmare won't stop and the worst part about it, IT feels like I'm living it when I'm awake. I don't want to be that exiled person standing on a pill of corspes. I want to be with the others. Why, Why can't I find someone whom makes me feel like living. Why is it whenever I like someone it seems to turn into hatred. It's like everyone knows, if I start to like you, push me away. I know its not that but damn its getting old. Shit like right now, I'm so messed up and torn and only two people have truely been inside my head during it all. ONE I admitted to likeing tonight but PFFT like that really means any damn thing. I mean it's me we're talking about. The other just wouldn't work out, I'm sure of it. We're just nothing in common and I don't like her like that. I'm fighting a battle I feel has been over for years. Yet I still wait for the day. Will someone ever give a shit about me? Will somewhere ever see that I'm good along with evil. I don't like being an ass but damn it I've been hurt and used and when I try to show I care it gets thrown back at me. Maybe the dream is right, maybe I don't belong here or anywheres.