DoctorJERMx's blog: "this is my brain on...line."

i had a dream last night about my ex.

a vivid dream where i swore it was real.

it was in present time and i was back together with my ex.

the time frame most have been a while because somehow there was a small child with her and she was my kid i believe.

about 6-7 years old.

i was having a great time...somehow reality was in my dream too because we talked about breaking up and how the little girl was mine.

i didnt know...but i was happy to find out.

then...my ex had to tell me something.

before we went any further.

she cheated on me.

in my dream i was crushed...although i was instantly forgiving.

then she started to explain why.

"he was so hot i had to jeremy!"

"i gave him the best blowjob ever"

"this guy really worked out and i just had to fcuk him"

i remember all these things she said from the dream because it woke me up.

i didnt know where i was when i woke up for a second.

the anger and confusion was still there.

finally i looked up at my computer and realized what time it was and snapped out of it.

i am so glad that was just a dream.

because i was actually "ok" with all those rotten things she was telling me.

for some reason knowing i had a child even with that girl made me feel alright.

even in the dream.

if that was real life i would have been gone in 2 seconds.

filed for custody and took off.

i had to leave my house after that dream and waking up knowing i needed to talk about real life and art so i rode my bike to my friends' house.

i felt fine after that but it was hard to even think riding that whole way there.

realizing...maybe she did when we were together.

maybe she lied more than i thought or she let on.

of course people lie to me for my own "safety" because obviously to the crowd i know or have known...being lied to or fcuked over turns me into a beast.

like when i saw that small little interview my friend did with the old art studio partner...just last night too.

seeing all my artwork hanging on the walls and the stuff that i painted on the studio walls.

hearing that they "have no idea why jerm holds a grudge"

but i am very happy that my friend who did the little neutral interview made sure that they knew i have knives and full ashtrays and paint and writings and a bunch of other weird crap just laying around my room.

also im glad he let them know that i stick by my convictions and not live off of opinion.

and i know my bad dream was just that a bad dream.

the nightmare those fools created for themselves is apparently my fault because i havent stopped being an artist and i havent failed like i was told by them because i left that establishment.

at least im man enough to admit to others i was wrong and apologize to them.

i made peace with people i had problems with...now these old bloodsuckers want me to make peace with them for what they did to me.

i guess my pen name does have some truth to it.

-jerm