Toay is going to be a hard day. The first couple of day I was feeling on top of the world. I was finally free from a contoling man. I was from under his thumb, feeling good, wanted to go dancing, making real changes in my life, now its Day 4 and I'm starting to fall apart. I cried myself to sleep, my pressure is up, my 16 year old daughter hates me because I made her leave her job. My 18 year old needs her own room, fuck I need my own room.
I don't want to miss him. I don't want to think about him and I don't want to call him, but everything in me is screaming, call him call him. I want to let this go, I don't want to feel anything for him, I want to stay pissed off, I want to stay away, but my heart is breaking fast and I can't seem to stop it. I thought that if I had sex today with a ex co worker I would feel better, but as the time passes by, and it get closer to the time I told him to be here, I'm getting scared. I don't want to sleep wth him, I don't want to sleep with anyone right now, well, that a lie, I do want to have sex because it been awhile, but I'm scared. Stange HuH? I know.
My body wants to be touch, but my heart is screaming no! no! no!, what the hell am I going to do? All those years with this man and now that I'm Single again, I don't know how to act. I haven't been single in a long time, and the last time I was single, I move to Nashville, meet this nice guy, but on the night I was about to have sex with him, the mister called and told me he was IN Love with me. I believed him, I really did, but now that I'm living apart from him, all I want to do is just run back and let the cycle begin again. But, then I remember what he did and I can't forgive him anymore.
I'm lonely today. Its rainy, I'm afraid of rain and storms, and on days like this the mister would just hold me until it stopped, but now he's not here, he's nowhere and once again I am alone. My biggest fear is coming true and I really don't have any idea what to do next. I'm putting up this big front that I have everything alright, its a LIE, I'm falling apart right now as I write. I look at my now sleeping daughters and shade a tear, they don't deserve it, living in a motel 6 because I was to stupid to leave this man years ago. What have I done? When the social worker hears about this, they will take my daughters away. I will really be alone. No home, No family, No job, No money all in one week. My daughters don't need a mom like me. I can't take care of them like they need to taken care of, I'm not worthy to have sure wonderful girls. All I wanted to do was just to give my children a home, that was all.
"My Lord, My Lord, why hasth thou forsaken me" this something I have said for years and never understand it until I lost custody of my children. I say it in hard and lonely time, and sometime I get an answer, sometime I don't.
Sorry, I'm Just Lonely.
Until
