Icarus's blog: "Hope- by any other name."

Well, I'm jacking this from Wolf... because he's hot.

I've done these here and there, probably saying things like "8 things you didn't know about me but I would've told you"

So I'll TRY to post some original shit.

1. I popped my black cherry when I was 7, unwillingly and in a friend's bathroom- to this day I am terrified of people putting things near or in my ass.
Go figure?
That means I really might think you're muscley, handsome or outright GORGEOUS! but guys- I don't wanna fuck you or vice versa. It's cute when you don't take no for an answer... wait, no it isn't.

2. I lost my normal cherry when I was 22

....
stop laughing

to a girl I was very much in love with at the time

STOP LAUGHING!

We broke up- horrifically, and she is the source of much anguish, poetry, guilt, rage, and fear.
She's marrying the toolbag that she was cheating on me with that I was 99% sure of (and a major contributor to the breakup) and what her friends later verify.
Awesome.

3. I experience -NO- extremes anymore.
I really feel color blind and terrified of ever feeling again. I might get bouncy, or enthusiastic about laying a stranger, I might like a project or gush about giant robots
but its an easilly divorceable emotion.
I dunno- you probably already heard about that.

4. I haven't the faintest idea where to go with my life now that I'm back to a point of zero, and have regained much of what was stolen from me.
I'm kinda scared.
I'm kinda bored.
I'm almost certain that I really dont' care- which is only going to diminish the impact of any decisions I hesitate on making.
Time is of the essence, I should strike- I dunno which way.

5. I had cripling emotional, anger, and social issues growing up, I'd like to think I'm a quiet, unsubtle and likeable guy- but man, the idea of talking to even a friendly stranger had me so tense I'd literally vommit/pass out later... or nearly shit my pants. Yeah, when you have a MASSIVE fear response- you void your bowels so you can run better.
I'm not making this shit up.
So... talking to people, was a bit out of my comfort zone.
Kissing a girl- I about needed a paramedic.

6. I have not just terrifying dreams
but painful ones.
A couple nights ago I had my ribs crushed by a psychotic roided out cop. My ribs STILL hurt, and I wince when I cough or breathe now. That wasn't the worst though, I was once flayed alive over the course of nine hours
every inch of my body split, severed, sliced and drawn like this sick fuck was making a leather suit out of me. Ever cut, every tear, every hook dug into me with perceptable agony.
That's real fear to me- if you ever watch me use a knife I'm VERY careful of my fingers. I got dizzy once from cutting my finger- but mostly because I cut down to the bone with one chop- and that noise it made was SICK.
Knife play and hairpulling are out for me girls.
At least on the receiving end.

7. I think I'd make a great dad. I really wish I could meet someone I'd be impressed with enough to breed out of respect and love and not desperation to teach my offspring to be haiku writing kung fu lords.
Seriously... that's what I want for my kids.
So yeah... true love is kind of an elusive thing to me, but my paternal instincts practically outweigh consideration of such- if you met my ex's you'd understand.

8. Sex is a big deal to me.
It's hugely involved, extremely intense, emotional, and ... exposing for me.
That's my truest expression of fun, love, and comfort with you, because I've had so many experiences with shame and guilt and "ow MY ASS!" or situations where ...
let's back up a second
sex is a big deal
it's a cosmic emotional exchange
and it's like jumping off a bridge to me. Fun but scary. I have PTSD from my assaults and other incidents, I do wig out and have flashbacks during sex... at work... driving... etc
so... it's kinda dangerous for me to be that involved in anything. Dangerous I guess because it scares the hell out of me to relive those experiences, and ... I think pretty dangerous for my partners who consent to that nonsense of "oh shit he's back in Nam! staring through me, and breaking out in a cold sweat"
it might look like I'm just thinking about baseball and trying not to finish
there's a strong possibility that I'm some place
very
very
VERY
bad
and I need you to bring me back and love me.
Please.

9. I'm nearly fucking impossible to live with.
Nightmares, insomnia, crazy 6 hour long rants because I'm not used to ANYONE paying attention to me, emotional withdrawal (in two ways), high sexuality (yeah even if a guy's livin with me- you'd get tired of the wrist action and "private time" to loud moaning pornos across the house) I only clean up after others and not myself, don't touch my shit
ever.
I probably like my dog more than I like you- and if you invite me to something, I might decline because I don't actually get that you'd want to spend time with me, or be upset that I wouldn't spend time with you, and when I WANT to bond, I pretty much have to. I'm a puppy dog and a cat that ignores you if you aren't carrying a can opener at the same time, depends on the day, depends on the video game.

10.
I can NOT have sex without emotion and possession.
I have received one true pity fuck in my life, I felt ugly, used, dirty, and completely unloved- sure we both came like typhoons, but I didn't feel as though she was mine, and happy to be mine.
That was right toward the end.
Angry sex can be beautiful, because of the intensity the possession and the demands-
sex for the sake of sex

really makes me feel like a whore.
I'd rather be seen as someone that needs and is needed.
Loves and is loved.
I dunno if that's romanticism, love, or just my unique alchemy of sexual abuse and trust... but its there, and I don't put out without emotion... well, if I do it has side effects I won't say "never".