chelts's blog: "Chelts"

Im truly sick of downers. I swear the hardest thing to do is finally just let yourself be positive about everything around you. People tend to find negative in everything. I'm just finally happy and even when things start to rain i still find a smile on my face. I'm really happy about life and looking forward to whatever happens. For the first time ever really! and it really feels good. I no longer have the pity me parties either. I also think that depression is a highly overlooked disorder. I truly believe its a mental disorder that people just can't get over and everything just seems to be falling into the same "woe is me" zone. Second, is relationships gone bad. NOBODY has control over there destiny and, it seems that once you fall head over heels for someone your screwed and everything seems to fall in the negative category and then little by little your world starts "crashing down". Just remember you have NO control over your destiny sometimes it needs a little push but, the more you shove it just sinks you a lil deeper into your own falldown. but, its comforting to know that your life is exactly on the track its supposed to be at exactly the right time. If things are meant to happen they will. Destiny is control. not you. so let go and have fun and just enjoy the things you do have. Even if it is a lot harder to find the positive things in life when there seems to be so many negative.

"We have all some experience of a feeling, that comes over us occasionally, of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before, in a remote time – of our having been surrounded, dim ages ago, by the same faces, objects, and circumstances – of our knowing perfectly what will be said next, as if we suddenly remember it!" -charles dickens I wonder if there is a possibility we all truly know our destiny's if the future really is already laid out in our heads. Deja Vu truly is the wierdest feeling I think. I've had many Deja Vu experiences and there really strange and unexplainable like you suddenly have a ding like you know exactly what happens next and if you could actually hang on to that moment and understand it then maybe you really could know your future. It really wierds me out. I don't understand Deja Vu.

Since I had just oh, so much time on my hand, I had a lot to think about life. But I had summed up my thought as one thing: Life just gets in the way sometimes. In life, we seem to just beat up ourselves because things didn't just turn out the way we have planned them to be or wish it it to be. We hope to do one thing, but instead it turns out to be the complete opposite of what we wanted it to turn out as. Such as life in general. We all wish to be successful and be happy and find "ourselves". No one can cheat you out of unlimited success but yourself. But we kick our own asses if we don't get there as fast as we wish we could. we see others who are doing great and think "fuck, why can't I be like them?" then we highten up our expectations for ourselves which makes us feel worse. I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect life, the perfect parent, or the perfect job. But maybe the best that many of us can do is not quit and play the hand that life's dealt us, and accessorize what we've got. You have to try and think that time will take it's path where it needs us to go. For some it's faster than others, and that's alright. There is a place for everyone. All we can do is what we can. And if life gives you obstacles, you can't just give up or run away from it. You'll never learn from your mistakes, that's a given. You'll never get to 5 til you learn what 2+2 =. Count your blessings everyday. It could be worse. You could be starving in Africa with aids. If the past is haunting you, let it go. Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. And you shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody has a problem with it. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be. Can you get to your future if your past is present? Life is a struggle, if it weren't then it wouldn't be worth living. Everyone has their own battle. And when we finally get to where we need to be, it will be well worth the fight. Second, are relationships (both romantic and platonic). I think people shouldn't get into one, entering it with high expectations. You can't think that everyone you meet is going to be "the one". Sometimes, people purely enter our lives just to teach us a lesson and help us become a better person and leave. But, if we're lucky enough they'll stay. That's all experiences are anyway right? Experiences. To learn for the better that's yet to come. And if doesn't work out for you and someone, it's alright. And if you have believed that it was meant to be- then it will be. And in order to love another, you must learn to first love yourself...as cliche as that may seem. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most challenging and significant relationship of all, is the one that you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you YOU love, well, then that's just fabulous ! Maybe our mistakes are what makes our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall inlove, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change, so do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's always comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And there ya go. It's what was on my mind. The end. haha.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head screams ENOUGH!!! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. Your sobs begin to subside and you begin to look at the world through new eyes. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings or beginnings and that any guarantee of "Happily Ever After" must begin with you... and in the process acceptance is born. You realize that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that is ok. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and being proud of yourself... and in the process a new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you or didn't do for you and you learn tat the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process you find safety and security of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings... and find a peace and contentment in forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been engraved in your head. And you begin to sort through all the junk that you have been fed on how you should behave, look, weigh, and what you should wear, do for a living, what you should drive, where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family and friends. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you truly stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to throw away the values you have outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. That there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not outdated things that hold us together but, the foundation upon which you must build your life. You learn that you don't know everything, its not your job to save the world. How to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO!!! You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry!!! Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. Also how to stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly ok.... and that its your right to want things and to ask for the things you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. Come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balance diet, drink more water, and take time to excercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear and uncertainty and so you take time to rest. And just as food fuels the body laughter fuels the soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve. Anything is worth achieving and is worth working for and wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone.... and its OK to risk asking for help!!!! You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to waste it living under a cloud of fear. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that your not being punished by karma its just life happening how it is supposed to happen. You learn to deal with evil around you. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people on earth can only dream about a fully stocked refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, heat and air conditioning. Slowly you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less then your hearts desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, and trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. and finally with courage in your heart you can take a deep breathe and begin to design a life you want to live.

i've gone the opposite direction in amazing myself lately. i'm nearly becoming someone i've always hated, but in a good way. i only hated those people because i was jealous. i mean.. me? jealous? never! its just nuts to me but no matter how bad things seem to get, i still love everything. a few months ago, i still wished i was dead. sure, on occasion i miss my dramatic friendships that ended so suddenly . but i also see that whatever i may have done or said to cause all of it hasn't been mentioned or forgiven, so maybe they weren't really worth it after all. i tried, and i was pushed further, thank you. i did run into some old friends recently that i had been really shitty to and cut out of my life with no warning, but when we sat down to talk, everything was fine. and i was told that they were not good friends to have. hmm.. either way, i've finally been able to let go of the past. not all, but most. i've realized that time is a major part of who i am now. i'm almost too optimistic for myself lately, and it scares me. everything is beautiful again. this must be how i felt when i was three years old. i picked up a feather from my grandparents' suburban one day and exclaimed "grandpa! it's incredible!"