been awhile since i have done this...still very upset and still very much in pain..how is it that you can miss someone so much when they are with you everyday...well ok almost everyday..i would give anything to get back what i had including my life if it meant me to be happy again. i let my anger rule and it cost me everything i had. my anger and my carelessness cost me the happiness i once had. now im stranded because i cant fix whats done and im in pain. i let the stupid shit i do take over me again and i caused myself my own pain. im trying my best to swallow all of this and not let it effect me and i go dayd without crying but then i will hear a song or someone will bring up a memory and i start to break down all over again. i cry as i write this because i can't help it. i need to figure out how to get through this but i just dont know how. normally by now im fine and i can let go and i move on i dont know why i cant this time. i just want to hold him all the time and never let go. i dont know how many prayers i have said and how many stars i have wished on but i do it everyday. if not for him i wish for me to not feel the pain anymore and to not feel like i have no heart left and no drive for anything. i move through the day motionless for the most part. i dont want pity and i dont need any support i just need to get what i feel off ym chest. at this point i dont know what i have left in me. im fighting for the one thing in my life that actually made sense and the one person in life who actually does care and has been there for me and has taken care of me and loved me unconditionally. i destroyed him because i dont know how to keep myself from self destructing all the time. now ill never wake up and him be with me again. ill wake up to a friend someone who cares but never the us like it used to be and its tearing me up on the inside. when hes gone i miss him so much and when hes here i just want to be near him. i know that probably sounds really retarded but i cant help. he's my angel. he saved me from my life and what did i do i hurt him in return. i wish i knew what the hell was wrong with me...if i couldtake it all back i would id do things differently..id do things for him and make things perfect but i dont know if ill ever get that chance again. there are days when i think ill be able to just say fuck it and other days when i dont want to climb out of bed. i dont know how else to tell him im sorry or how else to show how much i love him. i try everyday but i dont know if it's enough...i want him to be happy i really do..if hes happy without me then maybe i should just leave it alone but it's so hard....i want him to be happy but with me...damn it i wish i could just redo everything..id be a better person...id make it all ok again...i hope that he knows i love him and that id give up my life for him. i hope he knows how much i wish i could fix this. i hope one day maybe everything ive done can be forgiven and i can get that chance to make it right. damn it i love him..im so sorry..i cant even begin to describe how sorry i am...i miss my angel and i want him back.
