I Am The Beautiful Letdown's blog: "My life according to...well...me"

so im almost ready to pop with my daughter..i have about 4 weeks left. yay. but theres a downside..things arent the greatest and mom has decided that march 1st i am moving back to NJ with her...i dont really want to but apparently im not allowed to make my own decisions..never have been...shes always decided for me and it was her way or no way and here we go again..so im leaving my life up here behind...its killing me to pack my things. I cry even harder with every box i pack. i wish i could have a miracle happen so i can make things different...seems like things arent getting better they keep getting worse..one thing after another keeps going wrong. so here i am 25 and going back home because my mother wont let me live my life myself and if i dont comply and go my life will be hell regardless....once i get back ill never be able to leave as i cant afford to live in nj and i know that my mom will refuse to allow me to put the baby in daycare so ill be limited to what hours i can work...she works midnights and sleeps in the AM...ill be able to work from like 1 to about 7 or 8 which wont be a full time job and im an office worker...no offices are open after 5 really and they dont have positions open for part time for the most part....so ill be making 8.00/hr working at a supermarket....worst part is im leaving behind an 12.10/hr full time job with benefits because of my mom....im also giving up my home and my friends and the life i created up here for myself to go back to nj and have nothing all over again........keep me in your prayers and hope for a miracle for me...

falling in love is like learning how to fly at the start youre scared so you keep your wings closed just like you do your heart slowly you let your wings begin to open when you want to fall in love you open your heart at just as slow a pace youre careful and cautious and wonder if now is the right time... finally you take the leap and begin to soar you'll fall a few times but will eventually learn how to keep your heart and your wings open...may not be easy but love isnt either... spread your wings get prepared for take off

i watched the door swing shut on my old life and on you walking through it i remember watching you come in that door and feeling the smile spread across my face i begin my new life and wish for someone like you to be apart of me again things are hard but as time passes it will get easier so they say now i have to smile on my own terms terms i have not yet defined movies we used to watch i now i watch on my own no one to laugh with but myself no fun to play a racing game with no one to race against im getting by ok but i miss you at times putting the past behind me but never letting it erase i know things will be ok maybe not now maybe maybe not tomorrow one day one day ill find another you to walk through the door and show me that someone out there will love me the way you once did and teach me how to smile again but this time not on my own terms but on terms of happiness i had with you

time to say goodbye to this part of my life close off another chapter and sign the book the end say goodbye to a once known happiness say hello to an unknown world raise your eyes and say goodbye because goodbyes are forever flip the page start a new book leave the old one behind if ever life wants a memory to arise then the book can be opened again that chapter is closed but hopefully not forever maybe one day that chapter will be rewritten and we can prove that goodbye does not mean forever

if i had known that dance would have been the last i would have cherished it for all it was worth if i had known that would be the last time i would look into your eyes i would have melted that day had i known you would leave so suddenly i would have held you a little closer as we danced our last dance i could smell the sweetness of your skin and felt the strength in your arms you held me up never let me fall that last dance could have lasted a lifetime the music played and i fell deeper in trance with your movements if i had known it would be our last dance i would have held on forever if i had known that would be the end i would have told you then that i loved you instead of now that it's too late take with you my heart because its with you and forever with our last dance

stepped closer to the edge as i watched my life flash a cold chill running down my spine i look up and wait for a sign to stop to not make that jump memories flood with anger and hate push them out and start again... im stepping closer 1 foot over the edge as i get ready to make a final jump out of this life and begin another take my jump and soar through the open air my mind is racing as rock bottom is coming close my eyes and wait for the hit rock bottom ive fallen out my own life into a new world one that maybe does want me

how do you tell someone you love them when you know they probably don't want to hear it? i know that i shouldn't feel the way that i do and i know i should let this go but lately all i want is to tell this person i love them. i know i can't. actions speak louder then words so maybe my actions show how much i care. i wish i could take back what's happened and make it right but i can't and i live with it. so i am getting on the best i can.

so i decided to be lazy and get up around noon lol and have now spent most of the day consumed in laundry and errands...at least i got a lot accomplished. hopefully this week will go by fast...im not so much looking forward to the weekend as i am easter...that means i get to go home and see my family since i am still single and don't have someone to share the holiday with really :) anyway....hope all is well with everyone and drop me a line if you read this and feel the need to respond...talk to you all soon...

i look outside into the falling snow almost a peaceful sadness as it touches ground i look up in the sky and there are no clouds in sight only white flakes floating around in the night sky i take a deep breath and let the cold air hit my face as i run out in the cold and dance in the falling snow i feel like a child running free in a field as the snow falls around me i forget all my fears i forget all the hurt and the pain thats inside as i dance away the worries and lift my head back up to the sky the flakes are caught up in my hair as i dance i spin and i spin until i feel almost dizzy i lie down in the white blanket of snow as it hugs me as i watch the neverending wave of white flakes all around me no feeling of cold or of time as it passes just me and the childish ways and my laughter

I had a dream last night that you left me. I've never felt so alone or scared before. I dreamt that i acted cool and collected but broke down on the inside. If you left I don't know what I would do. I don't think I can do this without you. I watched you last night while you were playing pool. I watched you move and smile. You're my angel and I saw that again in your eyes last night. You make me feel alive. I love you more then words can express. I miss you when you're gone. You keep me alive and you complete my life. ( this was written 3-12-2006...i feel the same way now as i did then...i just fucked up along the way and did lose the best thing that ever happened to me..I am so sorry baby...I love you so much)