Not too trivialize depression but from someone who suffers from it, I think it affords me certain liberties.
Looking back on my life I've noticed a pattern.Lot's pf ups and downs,peaks and valleys. I'm sure everyone has that. For me though it's a very constant thing.
One day I'll be chipper,and later that day,I'll be aloof. I'm very reactionary...and take everything to heart. I know,it's not a good trait(s) to have but it is...what it is.
I daydream alot. And I love to sleep. Not so much for the rest aspect but as I once said in a blog (that I've since deleted),my dreams are where everything good happens. I'm accepted,I'm healthy,I'm happy and in love. It's when I awake from that slumber is when reality sets in.
Earlier today I took a piece of paper and did the whole pro's and con's thing. What makes me happy..what sets me off. The cons side was mostly trivial things, traffic, idiotic customers that sort of thing. The pro's,well, that's the good stuff. I said..love.
That's the biggy there. With love I feel like I'm invincible. That's all I really want.
I mean, going to bed knowing that someone out there is thinking of you. Sitting at your drab,grey cubicle and writing your lovers name over and over on a notepad. Sending silly txt messages or leaving a lil message on their voice mail just to say, I love you.
I crumpled up the piece of paper and tossed it away.
I met someone (I won't divulge any information about this person)whom I did (and still am) well, loopy about. I think about her constantly. How she is,what is she doing,her smile,how her eyes are so full of expression, the way she covers up her face when she laughs.
And then I think about me. What a utter and complete moron I've been to her.
Maybe I think too much. Maybe it's the depression or maybe I'm using it as a crutch who knows.
I'm going to fight this depression thing tooth and nail. It's NOT going to get the best of me.
