2972005's blog: "Death"

Sometimes I really don't understand why life is how it is. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Im sitting here, and I am completely broken.

I lost my grandmother today. I have been awake for two days, and stayed by her bedside and sang to her, and rubbed her feet, and told her how beautiful she truly is.

I can still hear the raspy breathing in my head. It won't stop. The struggling for air, the coughing. It brought back so many memories of losing my mom.

My grandmother was the glue to hold my family together, and now that she is gone, they are fighting already, and saying such hurtful things to eachother.

I have had to be SO strong for everyone in my family. Even when I was awake in the middle of the night, wishing things would change, I couldn't break down. I had to be in control for them.

I had to make one of the most difficult phone calls in my life today. I had to call and tell my father that his mother died before he had a chance to say goodbye. Hearing my dad break down and cry ripped my insides out. He has been through so much, and I just want to wrap him in my arms and take his pain away. I wish it was ME who had to feel it and not him. I am so helpless. Words are just words at this point. Yeah, he knows she isnt suffering anymore, but he also knows that she won't be a phone call away either.

What now?

I am broken. I am exhhausted. I am just so lost right now. I am finally in my own house, and can be free to cry it out, but who is there to be strong for ME? I don't feel like an adult, I don't feel powerful. I feel weak and alone.

I just pray that this hurt will subside, so I can try to move on from this. I know life goes on, I know things will get better, but right now...right this minute...it doesn't feel like it can get much worse. I am heartbroken, and I need healing badly.

~ Alexis