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Ok...so today has sucked beyond all imagination...
I'm at work, minding my own business, and all of a sudden this song comes on. I haven't heard this song in like..1oo freaking years, and it brings back so many memories. My mom used to sing it to me when she would tuck me in at night, and whenever something was bothering me. I don't know if many people remember it, but it goes, "You are so beautiful to me" Old stuff, but its an amazing song. Well. I cry the whole way home, and even about an hour after I get home.
Well...after that I meet up with some friends, and we are talking about the death of our friend who died this past saturday, and they are going into great detail about what happened with the car accident, and were getting very visual about them sewing her head back together, and having to just lay her legs in the casket because they were sliced off, and they had to fill the back of her head with paper because the back of her skull is missing, and that is just the beginning....
Here, I am at home. I live alone, and I can't close my eyes because I see the visuals in my head, and it makes me want to hyperventilate.
A lot of people don't know about my past, but when I lost my mother, I was there, and I was the one on the phone with 911, telling my dad how to try to do CPR on her. I remember looking at her...her purple body, the noises her chest made when my dad breathed into her mouth. It STILL sits with me to this day, and it has been 7 years.
I am so lost at the moment. I don't like death, or even thinking about it, and here I am...alone, unable to get any peace or sleep. I don't know what to do. I can't cry anymore tonight. I dont have any tears left. So I'm sitting here, praying for dreamless sleep, void of any nightmares of the past...
This isn't fair, not one bit.
PS...I miss the fuck out of you Mom :(
