Another year has come and gone. How quickly they seem to pass in this the autumn of my life. If I could only manage to slow that clock down a bit more............
Well time for a year in review again I guess. The plus and minus sides of the ledger of life. The paths I have taken, and the ones I passed on. Its all in the way you look at it though. They never seem to balance out in the end. Taking the good with the bad is part of life. Ducking the blows which would sever your head from your body, and delivering the same. Its human nature I guess. I can't explain it any other way. You hurt, you hurt back. You love, you love back. In other words, you get what you pay for. Once started, its bought and sold many times, in many different forms. The guises of threats, innuendo, and deceit. Hate feeds and breeds upon itself. A lesson I have learned this past year. Despite once believing that hatred could be a useful emotion, I find now that it can't be confined to just one person. It seeps into others lives like a cancer. And grows exponentially. Seemingly having a mind and life of its own. So resolution #1 for this year of our Lord 2008. TO FORGIVE AND FORGET. My time to cast away stones and live every purpose under Heaven. Turn, turn, turn.
Last year at this time I had the privilege of hosting Katie, Chelsea and Aly for New Years. I was living in my house back then, and not here at the trailer. It was magical in a sense. That big old house alive with the noises that make a house a home. Which was seldom at best during 2007. Which is why I decided to sell the place. Too much room to be lonely in. So one of my 2007 resolutions was to change that part of my life. A goal of which I started to work on in November of 2006 by dating again. Into and out of my life came a few women who for various reasons on either part, didn't manage to blossom into anything more lasting then a sweet kiss good night. And the more I dwell upon the subject, find that the main reason was for not letting go of the past. And not only on my part. At my age, the women you date are usually widowed or divorced. I am not going to date a young woman. Been there, done that! And with disastrous consequences. And now finally, found someone just a tad younger than me, that fits me like a glove. Nola. Unfortunately the past wants to "creep" back in. Unwanted, and unsolicited. Like a foul breeze carrying the scent of rotting flesh. So along with resolution #1 I guess I need to shutter the windows and bar the door. Which means I need to keep my past life from harming those around me. How to do that though is the question. I guess I need to keep more to myself when those situations arise. So resolution # 2 is to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT! Pointing out others mistakes is NOT the answer. Venting on a public stage no matter how vindicated it makes you feel emotionally, is not conducive to resolving issues. Words falling on deaf ears are never heard. Especially when the person or persons they are directed at has they're back turned to you so can't read your lips, or get the message through sign language. In other words a battle not worth fighting. Wasting efforts is something I feel I do enough of on a regular basis. And I above all others should not be casting stones. There will come a time to "strap it on" and all I can do is be ready for it. Worrying about it and expressing those concerns to others only open up old wounds that should of healed with Nola in my life. It is time to LET IT GO!
Getting involved in others problems seems to be one thing that even though I resolved NOT to do, keeps rearing its ugly head. How in the hell do I keep winding up doing it then? I have asked myself this question repeatedly over the past year. I guess it reflects towards the person I am. I can't help but be compassionate. It is who I am. I guess its better than shooting the stray neighborhood cat or dog. Or beating the hell out of the sick, homeless and downtrodden. "For whatever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto Me". Words from the Bible in Matthew 25:40. Walk the walk, or talk the talk. But can you WALK THE TALK? During this past year I keep getting told what a "big heart" I have. Some find that attractive. Others my biggest detriment. Who's right? Am I just compassionate, or just plain STOOPID! LOL. I won't change the person that I am. MY set of morals, values, and faith. And that is in part due to my upbringing. I can't be more than a friend, husband or dad when needed. It is who I am. And not only to my biological children. But to my nephew, niece, step kids, grand children, and ANYONE else who elicits my aid and advice. Whether I am proud of they're accomplishments, or disheartened by they're failures. Who am I really to judge them? I have made enough mistakes myself in my life. Some of which I am constantly reminded of by my peers. So I should hold them in such low esteem? Or stand by them and try to guide them without casting stones. Hypocrisy is something that I abhor. Not only in others. I am caught myself being hypocritical at times. But when it has been brought to my attention that I had done so, I apologize. When someone is right, they are right. THE TRUTH SPEAKS VOLUMNS. And I don't blame them for casting that stone. So resolution #3 is this. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU CAN ONLY BE THE PERSON YOU WERE MEANT TO BE. Its time for me to stop beating myself up over the fact that others can't accept me as such. I won't change. And in my heart believe I don't have to. Its time to forgive myself. If I am wrong for this, then God will be my judge. After all, I am happy with myself 90% of the time. Maybe this is what I need to get to that 100% mark. And second guessing myself is not allowing me to grow as a person. Time to stop "hedging" the bets. Nola will set me straight if I stray from this path. That is what a true friend does. She speaks the truth unerringly. She has become the mirror. She is my rock and safe harbor. Maybe because we are the same person inside. Nobody understands me better than she.
So that’s it. Only 3 resolutions. Time to check the balance sheet now.
Last year I resolved to become a happier/healthier me. On that front I accomplished some goals, and need to keep working at it still. The back is still an aching mess at times. But that is the arthritis. I got into more exercise which is helping somewhat. And I don't take my pain meds like I should. Thank God for the knee and back brace. But that goes with being me. Suck it up bud! I am much happier with Nola in my life. And NO, I have not quit smoking yet. And at the cost of cigarettes and gas now a days, it may become more of a financial necessity then a health one. LOL. I also resolved to get out more and enjoy the company of family and friends. I am still doing that. With bowling and golfing. Visiting with family or the kids. Which also helps with the exercise portion. So on that one I'd say I have done well. I also have made some new friends and did find that loving relationship that I was searching for. I would say that I accomplished that goal 100%. I am still hoping to become the willow. Sometimes though, I failed miserably. LOL. Which is all part of life I guess. The road to hell is paved with the good intentions right? Oh man what a pleasant thought that is. Funny how these old sayings come to mind out of the blue. LOL. So as you can see, that weird sense of humor is still present. I haven't lost track of it yet! Yeah, I know. I AM WEIRD! Deal with it.
God bless our troops and make 2008 prosperous and joyous for us all. May everyone enjoy good health, love, and growth in the coming year. May your joys outnumber your pains and your life be filled with pleasant memories. And of course all of your dreams be fulfilled. God loves us all. Keep Him beside you in the coming year.
