Have you ever had to make a decision that you had no idea how to make? A decision that affects the rest of your life but you can only base it upon the information that you have at hand? Yeah, I know we all do it, but this last one I made is killing me. I made a big decision that I am not sure I made correctly. So, what do you do then?
I thought for so long and so much about the problem that I couldn’t have thought about it anymore. I asked everyone I could think of their opinion. I spent countless nights crying and losing sleep over the issue, but could still never find a resolution. So, after months of this torture I had to make up my mind for better or worse. Now, I am not so sure that I am going to get the better part of the deal.
I talked to a friend one day who told me that if I had to think so long and so much about something then why was it worth the trouble and pain of doing so. That statement right there made me think that maybe I am thinking too much and if it were meant to be there would not be so much thought required. I have always believed in the idiom that if you love something let it go and if it returns then it is yours to keep . . . Well this situation did not involve love but the idea of it all still applies. I had to let something go to see if it were what I really wanted. I had to separate myself in order to look clearly at everything . . . In order to search and find what I need and what I want.
Once I released what I had I felt a great release of guilt for a while, but then the new guilt set it. I felt bad for holding on to something that was not mine to hold, then once I let it go I felt bad for letting it slip away. I am selfish in this way; I want to have it even though it may not be mine to have. I have no claim to it; yet I yearn for it and the feelings it inspired. I want so badly to hold on to it, to cherish it, to never let it go . . . And at the same time I can’t hold it somewhere with me knowing that I have no idea of what my life holds for me. I can’t drag things into the unknown with me. I can’ handle the loss but on the other hand I can’t handle the guilt of holding something captive either. So, I had to let it go . . . If it is mine then I will have it again one day.
I’ve taken so much criticism for my choice. I’ve taken so many hits and blows that have knocked me back. I’ve spent hours weeping over the choice I have made; the choice I have to live with. I’ve let people down and disappointed people with my choice but no one so much as myself. I am the one who sits here now aware of what I lost, aware of what I had to gain, aware of what can no longer be. Those who have spoken their minds I value what they have said, yet this is my life and I need to search and suffer on my own. So, what do you do when you have made a choice that you can’t fully back yourself in fact but can fully back with instinct? What do I do? I cry more and second guess until my heart no longer feels the desire and emptiness . . .
