TAZ's blog: "me"

What it means to just be friends and how to move out of the friend zone If you’ve ever wanted to breakup with someone before you even date them, telling them “let’s just be friends” is the way to do it. Unlike a breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, you’re able to crush this person’s idyllic fantasies of your hypothetical romance when it’s at its peak. No longer will they scribble your name in their notebooks, nor will they try to count the freckles in your eyes when they talk to you. By saying these words, you have a 99 percent chance of hearing this person’s heart break, even if you’re saying it over instant messenger. Yup, it’s that powerful. Think about it, they’re just about the worst four words that you could ever tell someone. So why do we say them? They’ve crossed my lips, I’ll admit. For each victim there was a different reason why I knew ‘we’ just wouldn’t work out. For one it was lack of chemistry and for another, it was lack of maturity. Of course, I’ve never said the words with the intention of hurting someone, but undoubtably that’s what ends up happening. I know this because I’ve fallen prey to it as well. I suppose it’s the universe’s way of balancing the concentration of heartbreak in the atmosphere. It works. If you haven’t even made it to the relationship level, it can be confusing when someone says that you’re just going to be friends. Wait, weren’t you already? You wonder for a moment if you actually were going somewhere with this person and they suddenly changed their mind. Perhaps, you had a chance once. That was, before you blew it. You’re hard on yourself, and then it hits you. Not only has it now been reinforced that what you two have is a friendship, but he or she said “just.” That one word alone makes you feel lower than low. Being ‘just a friend’ doesn’t even seem like a worthy position to be in…for anyone, anywhere. And now, you are that friend. And They Say You’re Just A Friend Now that your crush has reinforced you’re staying exactly where you are, you begin to wonder, is there a difference between being ‘friends’ and being ‘just friends’? According to SoSuave.com there can be a difference. “Friendship is you and her/him being there for each other; you two are inseparable and have many things in common with each other,” says the site in their article on ”Friendship vs. Let’s Just Be Friends.“ JUST being friends, on the other hand, equates to, “NO sexual feelings or interest in you. [They] find you boring…and will use you to kill boredom.” Watch out, because if something better comes along, you know you’re going to be dropped. Stat. Yeah, it sucks to be you. :( So why would someone say such a thing.? They Feel Like Less Of A Jerk: They know that being told “I’m not attracted to you” is something that no one ever wants to hear. So, they say this instead. Of course it hurts just as much, but it takes away some of the guilt factor. Lucky them. They’re Unsure Of A Permanent Break-Up: Sure, you’re only “breaking up” the possibility of a future relationship at the moment those words are said, but by not breaking off completely…there might still be hope. Let’s hope. The Possibility Of Friends With Benefits: So you’re not exactly what they think of as relationship material, but you’re still hot stuff (go you!). They want to keep you around—to fool around. You Might Freak Out: It happens. Your dreams are crushed and you go a little cuckoo. People will say anything to make sure they’re not the target of your crazy beams. They’ll even tell you that they care about you when they don’t. They Really Want To Be Friends: It’s the last thing you’re thinking, but it’s very likely that they could be telling the truth. You guys have obviously been hitting it off enough as friends, so why not keep up the fun? Just because there’s no face-sucking in your future, doesn’t mean that what you two have isn’t special. Regardless of the reason, you’ve now been put in the position to decide whether or not you want to accept your new title (even though you never wanted to be nominated for it in the first place). It JUST isn’t fair. How could this person do this to you when you didn’t even get a chance to take the possibility of a relationship for a test drive? It’s at this point that you start wondering how they could know it wouldn’t work if you haven’t even tried. Right? They know. I knew. You know. You knew. When you hear “let’s just be friends,” you know that this person is not interested in you in “that way,” even if they might be interested in you in another way. Maybe there’s attraction, but there’s no chemistry. Maybe you don’t have that much in common, or you have too much in common. The reasons why you can’t go to the next level with this person may be as simple as the fact that the time’s not right—and maybe never will be. How To Avoid Always Being ‘The Friend’ When someone says to you “let’s just be friends” it can be hard to stop yourself from responding, “uh, let’s not.” When you still feel like you have a connection with a person, but you think they’re questioning whether you’ll ever be material for more—don’t fret. There’s a way to learn from this experience and apply it to your future courtships. “Few phrases can shred a guy’s ego faster than ’Let’s just be friends,’” writes Myatt Murphy, relationship expert of Msn.Match.com. So what can you do? Heed Murphy’s advice and avoid hearing them at all costs: Take Control: Are you always nice? Always sweet? You do whatever your crush wants to do because you want nothing more than to please them? WRONG. Hello! Don’t you have a say too? Taking the lead, even in a friendship, can show you have a strong personality and that you can assert yourself. Those are attractive qualities, totally. “Plus, fighting about what to do next is something [they’re] used to doing with her family and friends,” says Murphy, “so it instantly makes [them] shift you into those categories.” After Hours Only: Have a lot of day dates? Park, picnics, etc? Yeah, that’s stuff’s cute, sure. But don’t you want to create some sparks with this person? The chances for romance are increased if you make your date an evening affair. Ah, yes, that’s what they meant by mood lighting. You got it. Opposites Attract: “Having tons in common with a woman may make her feel you're simpatico,” says Murphy, “but having too much in common is another sure way to get viewed as a friend.” Point out what makes you different—and therefore special. Body Talk: Body language, AKA the language of love. Bow, chicka, wow, wow…You want it, but do you know how to do it? Engage your whole body when you’re in conversation. Shift your hands and feet towards the object of your affection, stare into their eyes (in a non creepy manner, duh), and best yet, “let your eyes linger on [their] mouth every few minutes,” suggest Murphy, “it subtly signals that you’re thinking about kissing.” That’s hot. Right? So next time you feel like you might be slipping into the friend zone, get a hold of yourself (and preferably your crush too). In friendships and relationships alike, the title of what you are or mean to one another person is constantly evolving. Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down. So if you do hear the words “let’s just be friends” take a second to appreciate what you still have. If you’re still hurting, go find someone hotter than your new “just friend” and show off. Kate Heath