When does a relationship move from love to codependence, and how can you tell the difference?
Alone. I couldn’t stand the feeling. For the past month I had spent every night with my girlfriend—every night, that is, but this one. The bed seemed desperate without her. As if the gap left by her needed to be filled, that anything would do. Piles of pillows, stuffed animals, nothing worked. I tried stretching over the whole thing, thinking that maybe if my body could make the bed seem smaller, then the hole left by her being away would be too. It didn’t work.
Being without her scared me. She was only away on vacation, and I had every reason to trust her. Yet the space that she had come to fill in my life had grown so much that I didn’t know what to do when she was gone. I did things before her, but what were they? Watch TV? Read? Nothing seemed attractive unless she was there. I had never been this way before. I was always the independent one, the one who didn’t need people or a relationship to be happy. In fact, I’d always been a loner and preferred the time away, but tonight was killing me. I didn’t know who I was without her.
Some see it as a sign of love, but that night I saw it as a sign of weakness. It was a feeling more than just missing her. I wanted her there, but the need for her to be present for me to be happy was what changed everything. How had I become so dependent on one person?
Codependency can turn a healthy relationship into a destructive one. Sure, wanting the company of the person you’re dating doesn’t sound like it would be a harmful thing, but when you literally can’t function without them—that’s when you know you’ve crossed a line. It’s as if you need them to breathe. It sounds romantic, but it can be suffocating.
“I had to talk to him every second of the day,” recalls Kendrick Sledge, 14, to CNSNews, who refers to her relationship with her ex as “possessive, controlling, and manipulative.” Sledge’s boyfriend would persuade her to keep him informed about her whereabouts through text messages, constant phone calls, and even emails.
While wanting to check in with your sweetie is not unusual, being forced to by your bf/gf is just plain ridiculous. “One in three teens say that they are text messaged between 10-30 times an hour by a partner inquiring where they are or who they are with,” reports the Teenage Research Unlimited, a survey company hosted for Liz Claiborne. “These really are like electronic leashes," Dr. Jill Murray, a psychologist with expertise in teen dating violence, said of cell phones and computers. "It is a means for abusers to abuse, intimidate, or threaten their partners all hours of the day."Thankfully, Sledge was able to escape this abusive relationship with the help of : www.loveisrespect.org
“For many people, developing healthy relationships is a simple matter of finding balance between what they give to other people and what they receive when it comes to love, attention, and trust,” says Jen Sutton, LPC, LAC for TeenHealthandWellness.com. However, when a couple loses sight of their boundaries, these lines can become blurred—two become one. “Going too far with caring is what codependency is all about,” says Sutton. “When you are codependent, you feel the same emotions that everyone else does, but you take them to the extreme. You become so interested in meeting the needs of someone else that you don’t take care of yourself.”
A relationship starts because two individuals connect. They’re attracted to each other for what makes each person unique, and that individualism is still important in a healthy, balanced relationship. “In some sense, all relationships are codependent,” says Carol Cannon, MA, a counselor and program director at The Bridge to Recovery in Bowling Green, Kentucky to WebMD.com, "Many people have what I call a 'low-grade infection.” That’s why it’s so vital to your relationship that you do status checks to make sure everyone is getting what they give. If the relationship becomes too focused around one person, or one’s insecurities, that’s when you know you’re headed for trouble. "It really is about unhealthy emotional dependencies," says Cannon.
When she came over one night for our usual blueberry pie and coffee date, I knew I need to tell her how I felt. I didn’t want to ask her for space, that was the last thing I wanted, but it was exactly what we needed. I could barely touch my food that night. I just kept stirring my coffee thinking that eventually it would be cool enough to drink, drink fast, and then refill. No talking would be necessary, we’d just sit there.
No. I cared for her too much to just excuse this issue in our relationship. Ignoring it would only let it fester, and soon it would grow strong enough to pull us apart—even when were so tightly together. I spoke up, “Babe, I think we need to watch our boundaries a little,” I said trying to gage her reaction without looking like a single blink from her would destroy me (even though it would). “We’ve been hanging out a lot lately, and I’ve loved every moment of it, but we’re still really early in our relationship…It’s just…well, I want us to make sure that we keep “us” as strong as we can be.” That’s when I told her that a few nights apart each week for a little while would ground us a bit, and bring us back from la-la land.
Surprisingly, she perked up when I said this. “I’ve been wanting the same thing!” Sounding a little too enthused,she sat back down and kind of laughed at herself. “No I get it,” I said laughing too. If you’re thinking about talking to your boyfriend about the need for space in your relationship, prepare for their response. It might not always go so smoothly. I consider myself lucky for my girlfriend’s response. But I’ve also known couples to fall apart after someone asserts their need for space. You want to protect yourself and the relationship when you find it’s become codependent. However, one’s need for change leaves a gap for vulnerability. And that, my friend, can often lead to hurt.
“Codependency occurs when two people form a relationship with each other because neither feels that he or she can ‘stand alone,’” says John M. Grohol, Psy.D. of PsychCentral.com. But that’s exactly when you need to stand apart. It can be hard to recognize when your relationship is approaching the danger zone, especially when it’s something as innocent as spending a lot of time together, but if you’re losing sight of your own life outside the relationship, it’s time to face the truth.
It’s always better to take action in your relationship to make it better than to sit wayside and do nothing. You’re only putting your future in jeopardy if you don’t attempt to treat the relationship with the respect, work, and commitment that you feel it deserves. Codependency serves to show that there’s compatibility in your relationship, but it also shows that there’s a need for strengthening too. Make the best of your relationship and protect those boundaries. You’ll be happier if you do.
Kate Heath
