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You find the one… HER… your everything…. To be honest… you didn’t find her… she found you… it was her that saw your potential.. her that saw through your pain and anger… her that knew that you could be much better than what you are…. She didn’t try to change you… she didn’t force the situation.. she didn’t change who she was..she didn’t lose herself in you… she didn’t compromise who she was .. or her beliefs..… she didn’t try to mold you… she just protected you… most of the time… from yourself… she allowed you to grow… she stayed close enough to keep you nurtured… but not too close to smother you and stunt your growth… and without you realizing it.. she grew right along beside you… she stayed… right there… growing with you… until your branches started to intertwine….. you grew together… slowly and strongly growing into one… when the winds of life blew hard… you had grown strong enough together to withstand anything…or so you thought… you were ready for whatever LIFE threw at you… you weren’t afraid of anything in LIFE… you prepared for your future together… You envisioned your LIFE as you grew old together… and while you know eventually it’s coming… you never prepared for DEATH… you can’t really prepare for death if you want to live… preparing for death cause you to dwell in a morbid existence… Death came… in your mind… way too soon… but to be honest.. if it’s 1 year.. or 100 years… death always comes too soon… So how do you continue? … How do you survive when she was your very breath…. When she was your heartbeat… how do you find purpose… then you remember… that while she was sewing a seed in you.. LIFE allowed you to sew a seed in her… Life allowed that seed to grow.. to spring forth into a strong young tree… a tree that you now have the responsibility of nurturing.. of protecting.. of pruning… until that day when he finds his HER… the one that chooses him…….
So the kid started school yesterday... 3rd school in as many years... I'm nervous and feel so helpless... he's gone through so many changes and adjustments in his life at 12... things I never experienced.. EVER... I feel helpless and lost most of the time... I have to shake this feeling .. and soon.........
She would have been 48 today... it's already a rough day for me... I'm just waiting on 4pm and then I'll be off the grid until Tuesday.... I miss you darling... Happy Birthday... I love you..........
Ok..... I still wear my wedding band everywhere I go... i feel naked with it off... last night an elderly couple wanted to talk to me and my son about the state of the US and all the racial tension... I welcomed the convo... however.. the lady kept mentioning my wife.. and things that would be nice for us to do as a family.. and visiting their church... my kid cringed every time she said wife.. and I didn't have the heart to tell her I was a widower... so.. today... I decided to come to work without my wedding band.. bad move... I feel completely naked... I guess I'll just have to tell people when the kid is around that I'm a widower... hmmmmm
Ok... I'm starting to miss the "little things"... hugs.. touches.. back rubs.. kisses.. the smell of perfume... playing in long hair...
every month is going to be tough from now on... especially the holidays... but May will probably be the hardest month each year... Mother's Day and our Wedding anniversary about 2 weeks apart... I'm already lost on what I should do tomorrow because I've always done everything with her... I know it will get better.... I just don't know when...............
It's still hard to believe she's gone.... it's hard to go to my favorite spots.. because she's not there with me.. holding my hand... I reach for her at night and wake up in a panic... I miss her so bad.... it physically hurts... I am suddenly a father and mother to a 12yr old.. and I'm terrified that I won't do a good job.... I have to learn to be a softer person... to change my beliefs of tough love so that I don't lose him... I cry myself to sleep at night.. and cry as soon as I awake in the mornings... Life just did not go as we planned... we were supposed to grow old together... we were supposed to play with our grandkids... we were supposed to sit hand in hand and watch sunsets as we relaxed in our retirement... It's just so hard sometimes........................
So, I lost another friend yesterday... another involved in an accident that wasn't his fault.. and it cost him his life..... he leaves behind 4 kids.. who still haven't even begun to recover from the loss of their mother a little over a year ago... I'm sad... angry... and feeling a little helpless... I am only able to offer words of sympathy and encouragement to them... I have little else... even though their grandparents are there... I wish I had the room to take them in...
So, stress eating has finally gotten the absolute best of me. Doctor appointment today and I weighed in at 280lbs... I've never been this heavy in my life... I've struggled with weight issues for a long time.. flucating from 215-280(now) ... over the years I've always been able to drop weight pretty much when I wanted... now i'm 44... fat.. and somewhat miserable... I know what I have to do..but the old motivation for doing it won't seem to come back... so.. now I'm worrying about my blood test results and weight.. and guess what I do when I worry... I EAT... FML!! Oh well... since I'm not ready to die... guess I'll have to find new motivation to keep on living... salad time for me!
1. If you be quitting jobs.. or getting paid strictly cash just to avoid paying child support... you better not expect a damn thang on Fathers' Day!!
2. If your kids grew up with each other.. but ONLY found out that they siblings after they get up in age... your Fathers' Day gift should be an ass whuppin!!
3. if your kids live next door to each other.. or across the street from each other... not only do you not get a Fathers' Day gift.. but you should consider it a blessing you ain't got shot yet!
4. if all you've done is dropped off a few dollars now and then for your kid... IF they decide to get you some socks or a tie... you should wear them until they completely unravel.. then pack that string up and keep it in your wallet.... damn it!
5. Showing up for a few birthday parties.. or a couple of Christmases does not make you a Father.. just makes you a little more than a "guest" in your kid's life... NO GIFT FOR YOU!!
6. if you got so many kids.. that you ain't quite sure what all their names are... no Fathers' Day gift for you!!!
7. For any dude that has DEMANDED that the baby momma name the kid JUNIOR.. and you KNOW you ain't done nothing since the baby was born... no Fathers' Day gift for you!!
8. if your kids have ever had to put $ on your books... you already done got your damn Fathers' Day gift!
9.if your kids think your name is 4513215946 (let it marinate)... then no Fathers' Day gift for you!!
10. if your kids have never seen you in anything other than ORANGE... no Fathers' Day gift for you!!!
11. if your kids only know you as "that dude from up the street"... nah bruh.. no Fathers' Day gift for you!!
12. if your kids have more jobs than you do... you do NOT get a Fathers' Day gift!!
13. If you ONLY claim your kids for TAX PURPOSES.. you do NOT get a Fathers' Day gift!!
14. If you got kids by different women.. but your kids all got the same 1st name.. you do Not get a Fathers' day gift.. UNLESS.. it's a swift kick in the ass!!
15. If your kids half sisters or brothers Father is taking care of your kids... Bruh... get that man a Tie or some Socks and a Thank you card... or something!!!
16. If the only way you take care of your kids is because the judge is garnishing your check.. you should NOT expect a Fathers' Day gift!
17. If your kid grew up thinking you were his uncle/big brother/cousin... when he gets old enough to know the truth.. you should NOT expect a Fathers' Day gift!!
18. If spending time with your kids requires them to only visit you on Sunday afternoons (if they name on the list)... you should NOT expect a Fathers' day gift!!
19. If none of your kids have your last name... you should not expect a Fathers' Day gift!!
20. If you got 7 kids by 8 baby mommas(figure that math out).. your Fathers' Day gift should be a vasectomy!!
21. If Maury had to say.. "YOU ARE THE FATHER".. you should not expect to get a Fathers' Day gift.
22. 1st off...... know the definition of Father(Daddy)... if you ain't never been involved with your kid... you're not a Father(Daddy).. you're a sperm donor.. so technically.. sperm donor day was the day you knocked her up.. stay in your lane.. don't be looking for no card or tie!!
