birdie QUEEN of the Island of MISFIT TOYS's blog: "Big Bro"

Its been a tough few months. I'd like to thank everyone that's been showing the "love" lately.

Right now my heart is hurting alot.Im sure many of you think that I need to get over it now. But unfortunately its not gonna happen anytime soon. I now carry guilt feelings for what decisions I made. Maybe they were best, but maybe they werent. I will never know. The burden of making decisions were thrust upon me, not by choice.but by necessity ,as no one else that should of been helping with the decisions would step up when they were needed, and it was left up  to just me to make them. 

I am sitting in the livingroom of my mommys and my home, thinking about how empty this place is without her. Her presense is mixed in with my presense everywhere. This is the only place I've ever called home no matter where I've been, it has always been "MY HOME"

Thanksgiving was pretty tough to struggle through and I'm sure Christmas is gonna be  pretty hard to get through too. Holidays were always so important to her. Even when her dementia got worse...in May she would be talking about Christmas was coming and she wanted me to take her shopping so she could get presents. Now that its actually time to take her shopping,I can't. The house is undecorated no tree is up. I just have to figure out now how to get motivated to do them because I have to keep the holidays going for her. She'd be unhappy with me for not getting the stuff together so she could help get it done.

I KNOW that time heals..

People asked me about how my mommy's doing alot.  She is to the point that she doesnt know who she is alot anymore I spend alot of time hugging her and trying to help her remember.Its very sad  watching her cry because shes confused like a little girl

Have instructed my younger brother that I'm not his mom so he needs to find a place for me to be cared for when I get to a certain point..told him that he can hold onto me for awhile and not be in a hurry to do before that point..but once I'm there..he wont be able to do anything to change it or stop it ..so he shouldnt feel guilty about stepping away.

I just hope that they find a cure for this sad disease before long. It wont help my mommy..but maybe it will help yours

The question I hear so much from so many.

Well it's got less days of happy smiling and more trying to smile for the one you love

More realizing that katie..pat..zooie..etc..names that are someone else's not yours..are you right now

Having to tell them who you are when you come up to them and how you're their daughter the other times. As they try to comprehend who that is..some days them saying they never had a daughter

Listening to the broken record questions ..sometimes 10 or more times in a row and having to answer them again and again

Trying to get their minds interested in something else constantly to keep them from going into a "dark mood" and I do mean constantly

Struggling with them to take their pills or eat..this ones hard since they dont want to eat it's hard to put the pills in something to disguise the

Being kicked hard over and over while you try to get their shoes off to bathe them(they dont think they need to bathe as they dont do anything..and the theory of even babies need to wash..and their feet stink if you dont doesnt work)..its a good thing I was told older people only need to bathe once or twice a week (and I at least could get them to wear bootie house shoes..but if they dont get to wear shoes they go into a "dark mood" because they need to have shoes on..even to go to bed

Never knowing for sure when that "dark mood" will appear..so you have to be prepared for one happening. The drs. tried giving me something to calm them during those periods,but it dropped their blood pressure down too much..then they tried a form of benadryl and with going into sundowner now (a form of nighttime mental stress)  and winter darkness lasting so long, They didnt work. Now they have given me small dosages of a drug they use on bipolar, but can only use if they get too dangerous. The night mommy had her heart attack she got so strong she got me down to floor and if she could of gotten a weapon I'd not be here now. I had to get to another room and luckily my younger brother was reachable and he came over to help contain her. He told me even he had problems getting the 5 ft. Tall 116 lb woman under control and she kicked his bad knee. It took myself ..brother..security guard and a dr to pry her out of my truck to get help(we didnt know she was having a heart attack ..just thought shed completely went over

I could go into more downside but wont

Why am I not throwing in the towel? I'm sure that's your thought right now

Because I love her to the moon and back..we've been inseparable since my daddy died 31 years ago..I remember the person she was  before..her worrying about my brothers and me when we got sick even as adults..her kissing my forehead to take my temperature when she thought I was asleep..putting a cover on me because she wanted me to stay warm..fixing me my favorite foods..she could always tell when we were sick even before we knew..she always always always thought of us before herself

So if just holding her hand ..putting my arm around her..telling her I love her helps in anyway..its just a lil drop in the bucket of the love shes given us  

You can call me names on here..

That I need to get a life..

But till you walk in my shoes..

Don't judge me..

My life has become working a lot of hours..

And when I get home..

Watching the greatest woman slip away before My eyes..

The woman who used to kiss my boo boos to make them feel better..

But I can't kiss her boo boos to make them better now..

The one who will always be my best friend that I shared my secrets with..

Used to watch dance with my dad for no reason at all..

But now struggles to remember him..

I catch myself losing my patience with her so often..

As she looks confused at me way too many times..

I walk into the next room and cry every time this happens as I realize she can't help it..

This place has become my way of excaping way too much over the last 7 years..

Dealing with many personal struggles..

I can hide here and pretend that the world is all sunshine and lollipops..

Even if it's just for a few minutes here and there..

This is just another one of them..

And they'll be many more to come..

Yeah I know..

I need to get a life..

But if it makes you feel better to message me..

Using unkind names and words..

Glad I could help you feel like you're better than me..

And much more special..

But think about this..

You're here too..

Maybe you should get a life..