Over 16,529,762 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
Yeesh, this spot gets abandoned from time to time.
Well, I'm at this moment 29, nearing 30, and for the last week the lower half of my back has been grinding and freezing up, and biting at me.
This morning I couldn't get out of bed for a few hours due to surging, branching pain in my spine and back. Every disk felt shot, and every muscle group was wringing itself out.
It wasn't the worst pain of my life. By a long shot.
But it hurt.
And it sent me down a spiral of self-loathing and depression and flashbacks.
When every step made me wince, my family suggested I use my obummercarez and see a doctor, get x-rays, and get into physical therapy.
From my experience, physical therapy hurts.
And doctors cost money.
I cost thousands times more than what I earn.
It's a frustrating thought.
I'm terrified they'll find something, like bones eroding bones. And a projection that involves
I dunno
not walking
or spinal surgery
and more not walking.
Or a life of painkillers or pain.
Every little reminder, every little shooting pain, every little thing that reminds me of the accident sends me to dark, angry, hopeless places.
I get a daily taunting memo from the stranger that took what lingering hope and joy I had in my life.
Where every affirming or possitive thing is ecclipsed by fear, pain or a traumatic memory.
I can't work on a model if it knots my entire back, neck and arm.
I can't read, write or play for any extended period of time without a spasm or a shock of nerve or bone pain.
I can't go for a walk, do a pushup, or bendover to pet my dog without a raw grinding pain somewhere in my body.
I can't stand at a bench to work. I can barely sit in a cubicle to work on some mindless soul sucking task in exchange for money.
It's killing me.
Slowly
Painfully
Every god damn day.
Will I see the doctor?
I dunno, I've put it off this long, and all they'll do is reaffirm once more that shit's bad.
