Today as I was departing work I had the great fortune to witness probably the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen. Hues of warm pink melted into shades of purple after a golden jewel of flame. The feeling was peaceful, however, it was bittersweet. I was entranced by the beauty and serenity of it, but at the same time, I felt a longing. A longing to share that moment with another. I wanted to turn and see a smiling face and an etheral glow radiating on it as the soothing even breeze wafts amoungst her hair. There was no one. Momentarily causing me to feel guilty for seeing such a beautiful sunset. Possibly even a twinge of resentment.
I began to ponder certain aspects of life and of love. Why is it that certain of natures most naturally beautiful sights and joys cause us to feel empty? A longing... if you will. I have always said that my biggest enemy is my very own memory. Images of happier times, however fleeting they may have been. They often haunt my soul. Do you ever wish your brain was like a computer? Where you can just go in and remove the things you no longer want there? You have to then ask yourself," what becomes of me?" Seriously! Would it change who you are and your veiws on life so drastically that you will no longer know yourself? Yes, the pain may be gone, but at what price? A peice of your soul? A part of your entire being? I have also wondered often why certain smells or songs can instantly take you back to a happier place in time. Is it a crual reminder of mistakes made? It is to remind us of where we have been and where we want our destination to be?
I hear many people say that they do not dwell on the past. I do not agree with this statement entirely. The past is what has made us who we are today. I see the past as a tool. You go and draw on it when you need it to accomplish a goal or task and once donne you return it to whence it laid.I must admit that, on several occassions, this tool becomes cumbersome for me. I have traveled a very rough, difficult, and heart-breaking road in this life. I believe it has made me who I am. In many cases i have used it to focus on and make myself better than those who have caused this pain. I will not go into detail here. If anyone would REALLY like to know me, I will convey this info in private but also in confidence.
I long for the fairy-tale romance. having a best friend who will love you as you love them. Without conditions or stipulations. The romance that great stories are based on. I want a family once more. I want a baby. I long to hear the sound of cooing. The smell of a baby. The sound of tiny feet trapsing about. Any parent or anyone who has been around babies long enough.....knows what I am referring to. (Sigh) Perhaps it is only a dream. However, if so, it is one I do not wish to awaken from.
Love,
Brian
