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When i first discovered this lifestyle i had been celibate for 16 yrs. Yes, brutally raped yada, yada, yada. But, i never enjoyed sex anyway. i laid there and got fucked, seldom any foreplay unless it was a blow job for him. i made all these sexy noises and sometimes even screamed like he had performed so well i had reached nirvana. Then, as soon as the selfish asshole rolled over to snore in my bed, i got myself off with tears in my eyes.
My fantasies began to include the dream that he would realize i was feeding his ego instead of reaching this illusive nirvana and he would tie me up and force me to come. This was before i knew anything about this lifestyle so was just my dreams and nothing more.
In the beginning, everyone kept telling me to be patient, even though it had been 16 yrs, so i waited...and waited...and waited...and waited, well you get the picture. Sadly, all anyone wanted was to stick it in just to see how tight a pussy could get without anything in it for so long. So, i am not still celibate. In fact, as soon as i would say that i was an anal virgin and was waiting to give this to my One....He became my One for that one time only.
Now, it has been 10 yrs and i am no longer the woman i was. I am a big woman now weighing in at a whopping 225lbs, most of me sags now including my face. i appear sad all the time even if i am not and no amount of make up can hide my wrinkles or the dark circles under my sad eyes. And yes, my eyes are sad all the time. i have seen a lot and cried a lot but never learned how to use make up to hide them.
Just today i was ordered to name 4 good things about myself and this made this a day for reflection. i know that i have learned patience here but i am so very tired of being lonely. i was alone for the birth of every child. No one was ever there to hold my hand or tell me how brave i was thru the pain. No one but me was happy to meet this new little person. i gave these precious beings my life and my heart and now they have their own lives to live. Alone, i raised them all. Every decision ever made as an adult has been mine alone. i never had anyone to discuss them with, just me. i dressed to be comfortable because there has never been anyone to care what i wore so why should i care either. i do not own a pair of heels or any make up or jewelry. Fate has helped with the jewelry thing, i am allergic to metals and have never even been able to wear a watch. The stainless backs melt my skin. On but wait, i lied. i owned a power rangers watch that had a plastic back that i wore until it died. Never got another.
The 4 good things about me were; i am kind and champion those in need, i have a beautiful brain, i am nurturing, and i have a nice rack. This is it about me. This was meant to cheer me but simply made me cry. There is so much more to me but no one cares to get close enough to find out.
The one thing i did not mention is i have so much love inside me and such a desire to share it that this being alone all the time is killing me. To be honest, death would simply mean i would not longer be in this pain and the patience i have learned will no longer be necessary. i am so very tired now.
i have applied myself to my education as an outlet so that i might still be able to set a goal that is achievable. This was another decision i made alone and it is an accomplishment i am reaching alone.
i do not want to be the poor old cat lady i have become and want an income where i will never have to sell the things i have left from my mother just to eat each month. i am so very tired of the worry in the back of my mind every time i start my truck or get a utility bill. i need peace.
Most people seek solitude when they need peace. i need friends, fun, good sex, a good flogging and maybe even experience new things. i need a life outside these walls. i get 250 mins on my cell and they expire with only 20 or less used every time.
When my son went to prison, i was alone. i sat in court numerous times alone. i said good bye to him alone. i have had to beg for help with truck repairs, envelopes and stamps alone. Seems i have been alone my entire adult life and i have always been sure it was never supposed to be like this for me. Think about it. i am spilling my guts to people i have never even met just to ease this deep loneliness i feel all the time.
i am just so tired. The thoughts going thru my head are mostly why, why, why??? Have i done something to deserve this. am i abhorrent to people and this is why. i was once told by a Dom here that i talked to much. i am alone too much so when someone will listen i am simply trying to talk as much as possible before i am alone again. i had another Dom tell me i was too quiet so i told Him my life story. Then when we split He told me i deserved to be alone. Was this some old gypsy curse maybe? why, why, why?
Now i know there are some here who will come running to tell me to take my anti-depressants and the sad fact is i am taking them...they are NOT a cure for being alone. They don't hold me and let me cry, they do not flog me or tie me up and make me cum. They do not make me feel protected or care for. They don't make me go out and learn how to wear make up or buy high heels. They don't make me stop craving closeness with someone. They simply keep me from taking my life.
The exercise to name the good things about me are negated by an entire lifetime of being alone. Even good qualities fade with lack of use. i have no one to champion or be kind to. i have homework to keep my brain active but get to only worry by sweating from my nice rack. i know they meant well and my kind heart appreciates the effort. Thank you for "listening".
