JUST ME MELANIE's blog: "WHO AM I?"

When i first discovered this lifestyle i had been celibate for 16 yrs. Yes, brutally raped yada, yada, yada. But, i never enjoyed sex anyway. i laid there and got fucked, seldom any foreplay unless it was a blow job for him. i made all these sexy noises and sometimes even screamed like he had performed so well i had reached nirvana. Then, as soon as the selfish asshole rolled over to snore in my bed, i got myself off with tears in my eyes.
My fantasies began to include the dream that he would realize i was feeding his ego instead of reaching this illusive nirvana and he would tie me up and force me to come. This was before i knew anything about this lifestyle so was just my dreams and nothing more.
In the beginning, everyone kept telling me to be patient, even though it had been 16 yrs, so i waited...and waited...and waited...and waited, well you get the picture. Sadly, all anyone wanted was to stick it in just to see how tight a pussy could get without anything in it for so long. So, i am not still celibate. In fact, as soon as i would say that i was an anal virgin and was waiting to give this to my One....He became my One for that one time only.
Now, it has been 10 yrs and i am no longer the woman i was. I am a big woman now weighing in at a whopping 225lbs, most of me sags now including my face. i appear sad all the time even if i am not and no amount of make up can hide my wrinkles or the dark circles under my sad eyes. And yes, my eyes are sad all the time. i have seen a lot and cried a lot but never learned how to use make up to hide them.
Just today i was ordered to name 4 good things about myself and this made this a day for reflection. i know that i have learned patience here but i am so very tired of being lonely. i was alone for the birth of every child. No one was ever there to hold my hand or tell me how brave i was thru the pain. No one but me was happy to meet this new little person. i gave these precious beings my life and my heart and now they have their own lives to live. Alone, i raised them all. Every decision ever made as an adult has been mine alone. i never had anyone to discuss them with, just me. i dressed to be comfortable because there has never been anyone to care what i wore so why should i care either. i do not own a pair of heels or any make up or jewelry. Fate has helped with the jewelry thing, i am allergic to metals and have never even been able to wear a watch. The stainless backs melt my skin. On but wait, i lied. i owned a power rangers watch that had a plastic back that i wore until it died. Never got another.
The 4 good things about me were; i am kind and champion those in need, i have a beautiful brain, i am nurturing, and i have a nice rack. This is it about me. This was meant to cheer me but simply made me cry. There is so much more to me but no one cares to get close enough to find out.
The one thing i did not mention is i have so much love inside me and such a desire to share it that this being alone all the time is killing me. To be honest, death would simply mean i would not longer be in this pain and the patience i have learned will no longer be necessary. i am so very tired now.
i have applied myself to my education as an outlet so that i might still be able to set a goal that is achievable. This was another decision i made alone and it is an accomplishment i am reaching alone.
i do not want to be the poor old cat lady i have become and want an income where i will never have to sell the things i have left from my mother just to eat each month. i am so very tired of the worry in the back of my mind every time i start my truck or get a utility bill. i need peace.
Most people seek solitude when they need peace. i need friends, fun, good sex, a good flogging and maybe even experience new things. i need a life outside these walls. i get 250 mins on my cell and they expire with only 20 or less used every time.
When my son went to prison, i was alone. i sat in court numerous times alone. i said good bye to him alone. i have had to beg for help with truck repairs, envelopes and stamps alone. Seems i have been alone my entire adult life and i have always been sure it was never supposed to be like this for me. Think about it. i am spilling my guts to people i have never even met just to ease this deep loneliness i feel all the time.
i am just so tired. The thoughts going thru my head are mostly why, why, why??? Have i done something to deserve this. am i abhorrent to people and this is why. i was once told by a Dom here that i talked to much. i am alone too much so when someone will listen i am simply trying to talk as much as possible before i am alone again. i had another Dom tell me i was too quiet so i told Him my life story. Then when we split He told me i deserved to be alone. Was this some old gypsy curse maybe? why, why, why?
Now i know there are some here who will come running to tell me to take my anti-depressants and the sad fact is i am taking them...they are NOT a cure for being alone. They don't hold me and let me cry, they do not flog me or tie me up and make me cum. They do not make me feel protected or care for. They don't make me go out and learn how to wear make up or buy high heels. They don't make me stop craving closeness with someone. They simply keep me from taking my life.
The exercise to name the good things about me are negated by an entire lifetime of being alone. Even good qualities fade with lack of use. i have no one to champion or be kind to. i have homework to keep my brain active but get to only worry by sweating from my nice rack. i know they meant well and my kind heart appreciates the effort. Thank you for "listening".

Just as I am finally able to travel and see my son, (as most know, it has been a month without any word from him and i am very worried) my truck dies 60 miles outside of town. Living on disability means I NEVER have any extra funds for any emergencies, holidays, unexpected expenses, etc and now this. Not only do I have to figure out how to get to my truck but i have to try and sell something to pay for the repairs.
The constant struggle and drama of my life is sure getting old and i am so very tired most days. But....i have still not smoked a single cigarette for 28 days now even as i am not sure why i should want to prolong this constant struggle and drama. lol Most of you hear about them daily...would you want this life?
My emotions are a constant roller coaster. Most days and nights i do not know if i should be laughing or crying at the irony of my life. Isn't there suppose to be fun, pleasure, joy, and relaxation sometimes? i have a great sense of humor but right now it is simply not working for me. And, i refuse to utter the words, what more could go wrong or happen, since we all know that jinxes things and. Lord knows, i do not need any of that!!
I have never had to beg before for myself (i have for my children)but i need help this time. I have always earned my own way no matter how hard it has been but this time i am asking for any small donation anyone might feel compelled to give to my gofundme acct.

http://www.gofundme.com/czjp30

i struggle with self-esteem enough that this is so damned hard for me so, please, please, please, if you cannot be positive, simply ignore this and me...i am afraid it would take very little for me to give up the life long fight for survival i face every single day. Those that want to criticize and call me names, please know i have heard them all...my favorite is poor, white, trailer trash (never lived in a trailer..lol) i have been criticized many times but, just so everyone knows, my disability is severe, manic depression so one word could send me off the deep in...this is why i never have asked for help....i am afraid of the response i may get. Please don't hurt my heart, it is all i have to hold onto.
Most days i want to die and most days i don't want to die...it is a horrible feeling to have to live with.
For those that support me, thank you so much. I cry tears of comfort and joy for those people, i need more of them in my life. If you cannot help then please just pray that my constant struggle and drama will ease soon. I have about had enough now.

Thank you for reading this.

IS THAT YOU?

Is that you I see in the distance
Is that you I hear when needing advice
Is that you coming into my dreams
Is that you holding my aching heart

I see shadows of places you've not been
I hear echos of your voice unspoken
I visit memories of moments we've not had
I feel marks you've left on my untouched heart

Is that you I see behind me
Is that you I hear asking advice
Is that you I visit in my dreams
Is that you I touch of aching heart

I cast shadows of places we will go
I speak ehcos of words we will know
I share memories of times we'll have
I place marks on your untouched heart

Is that you beside me
Is that you that I hear
Is that you in my arms
Is that you in my heart

MELANIE