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relliK's blog: "Alone"

created on 09/22/2008  |  http://fubar.com/alone/b247204  |  1 followers

Alone

As I sit and ponder through the darkness, I think of memories past and how they reflect me now. Some are a glorious splender while others are of torture and sorrow. What lies in the future for us? Will we grow old or be reincarnated back to our youth to start over? Though I cherish many thoughts, some end up causing me to hold back a tear. We are simply gears to this machine known as life, once we're used up, we just get tossed aside. But what happens if the gears after our time are completely used up? Do we get another chance to keep the machine running? I can't help to think this way because we all live in a society where everybody is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons, but who's to say whats right anymore? Sure, I'm not ashamed to admit when I'm wrong, but I've done the math inside and I've come to the conclusion that 92% of the time...I'm right, but at what cost? Sure this world isn't perfect, thats why I believe with time, this world could be flawless in every way imaginable to the human eye. I am forced to give up everything because deep down inside, I've lost hope and have been on a quest to find it. In 2003, I had it all....I had friends, I had a girlfriend who supported everything I've done, I had dreams of becoming a film writer and an author, I literally owned everything anybody could ask for, but in a blink of an eye it was tragically lost in a gulf of flames. I was actually pronounced dead by the local papers because I wasn't in my home when it went up in smoke. Where was I? Well I was contiplating on suicide because even though I had everything, The reality was...I had nothing. All the friends I had were just meer mirages of what my life should've been but never had. In 2004 I decided to move to Nashville Tennessee in hopes of escaping my nightmares...but in doing so came with a hefty price. It was like my old life all over again....The friends, the girl, the dreams...all haunting me. I again began to think what life would be like without me in it. From 2004-2005 I turned to drugs for the 5th time in my life, and this time the nightmares were secluded until the drugs wore off and then I became so paranoid, That I dropped everything and went into a deep dark seclusion away from the world. At that point I hated everything and everyone because I knew society wouldn't accept me as I was. For awhile I was known as a "monster" or "a demon" because it was like I HAD to be evolved with people just to disguise how I truly felt from within which explains why I'm so quiet in person, yet outspoken on here. I now serve my time as an outcast, a loner if you will....just roaming around in search of a better life, one with meaning. I have no purpose here except to assure you that all is not well with me from certain points. I was never really a family person since there is nothing there for me except fake emotions about "being a good son" or "being there when family is needed most", as if I'm supposed to be depended on. I'll never really know what family truly is since I can't have a family of my own...you see, I can't "create" a family because of all of the stress I've been through. Many attempts with no results...thats my life story. I've tried to settle down and kick back, but whats the use? Anymore it's nothing but work, and just when your about to finally catch a break...back to work before you ask any questions. Don't get me wrong...I believe in god, but if he truly exists among us, why is he ignoring my cries for help? Where was he when my house went up in flames? Where was he when I needed that extra hand in pursuing the only two dreams I had? Where was he when I lost the girl? Where was he when I called out to him loudly in my room as I blacked out from the hysteria from all of the stress? So here I am years later...no longer consumed with drugs, no longer an alcoholic, no longer a tobacco smoker....Yet pondering again, but this time, it's not suicide....this time it's not about my problems....this time it's not about my dreams or my stress or even the girl. This time I'm pondering about whats left instead of whats next. I no longer have pride, I no longer have a positive outlook on life like I used to have, I no longer have the drugs that sedated my every outburst whether it was offensive or truthful. All I have left is me..........Alone.
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