So, I was going through some of my papers and found copies of several documents I was sent while I was in the U.S. Army. Looking back, I realize how amusing it is AND how stupid I was!
So, of course? I decided to post it.
A list of things that the Sergeant is not allowed to do.
1) The SGT is not allowed to end After-Action Reports with lyrics from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".
1.1) ADDENDUM: Or "In accordance with the prophecy".
2) The SGT is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of "Public Relations", a doctor of psychology, a member of the Illuminati, made out of "bacon and pure fucking willpower", in possession of a IQ over 300, Head of "Female Recruit Review", or a member of "The League of Shadows".
3) The SGT is no longer allowed to make up his own cadence for morning physical training.
4) The SGT is not from an alternate timeline.
4.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT cannot override orders to "preserve the timeline".
5) The SGT is not allowed to challenge anyone to a duel.
6) Chainsaws are not the solution to every question.
6.1) ADDENDUM: Nor is "More Chainsaws".
6.2) ADDENDUM: Or "Chainsaw cannons" or "guns that fire chainsaws".
7) The SGT is not allowed to administer spankings to soldiers as punishment, as it only causes more rules to be broken.
8) The SGT is to stop posting classified information on the internet immediately.
8.1) ADDENDUM: Attempting to get around this restriction by using anonymous message boards is explicitly frowned upon.
9) If the SGT has to ask, it's above his clearance level.
10) The SGT is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person.
11) The SGT is not a "marital aid" and cannot refer to himself as such. Especially on official documents.
12) The SGT is advised that the video known as "2girls1cup" is not an appropriate screen saver to be applied to all work stations.
12.1) ADDENDUM: Or ANY work station, for that matter.
13) "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision.
14) Any requisition which includes the phrases "Metric Fuck-Load", "Shit-Ton", "A Science Experiment" or any combination of those phrases will be automatically denied.
15) A full minute of stunned silence means "My God, what did you do?", not "Please continue."
16) The SGT is not allowed to prescribe any medication to other staff members.
16.1) ADDENDUM: In light of "The Laxative Incident", the SGT is not allowed to prescribe homeopathic or alternative therapies either.
17) The SGT is NOT allowed to use this document as a check list.
18) The SGT is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use more guns" to any problem.
19) Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that female soldiers are ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of their breasts to the SGT.
20) The SGT is no longer allowed near any photocopier.
20.1) ADDENDUM: Or fax machine.
21) No matter how many times he may claim it, no matter how many uniforms we may confiscate, and no matter how many gadgets he may construct, the SGT is not a ninja, nor has he ever been.
22) While humor can be an effective way to improve staff morale, it is highly inappropriate to make "Your mom" jokes to superior officers.
23) The SGT is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets:
A) Your soul
B) Anyone else's soul
C) Virgin's blood
D) Reproductive organs
E) The island of Manhattan
F) Firstborn children
G) Red-headed stepchildren
I) Oral virginity
J) Anal Virginity
K) Anyone's sister
24) The SGT is not allowed to be in possession of pure Capsaicin for ANY reason.
25) No matter how much it might "improve morale" among fellow soldiers, the SGT is prohibited from distributing pornography in public areas.
25.1) ADDENDUM: Nor is the SGT allowed to paste images of said pornography in offices, hallways, closets, bathroom stalls or other common areas when he doesn't get his way.
26) The SGT is not "Commander of Fucking Shit Up". No such rank exists in the Army.
27) The SGT is not allowed to give people parking tickets.
28) Following the events of last Saturday, the SGT is not allowed access to the PA system to "Rick-roll" the base.
28.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is just never allowed on the PA system for any reason, ever.
29) The SGT is not licensed to administer "sexual healing".
30) "Because it was funny as Hell" is not a valid excuse for any sort of detonation.
31) The SGT is no longer allowed to engage in any activity involving any amount of "Super-Balls".
31.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is not permitted to convince, blackmail, or compel other soldiers into conducting such activities for him.
32) "Challenge Accepted" is not a valid excuse for anything.
33) The SGT is not to be allowed access to the cafeteria menu more than two hours in advance.
33.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is not to be allowed access to the cafeteria menu at all. Nor is the SGT to get anyone else to access it for him, directly or indirectly.
34) Any proposed battle plans that include the phrase "Giant Robot" will be automatically rejected.
35) Excessive force is not the same as "The Force". Therefore, using it does not make the SGT a Jedi Knight.
35.1) ADDENDUM: Or a Sith Lord.
36) The SGT is forbidden from attempting to keep any weapons, explosive material or vehicles seized from enemy forces.
36.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is reminded that "Possession is nine-tenths of the law" is not a valid exception to the above.
37) Telling other soldiers that you can tame guard dogs with "a rolled-up newspaper and a tummy rub" is strictly prohibited.
38) The SGT is not the "King" of anywhere.
38.1) ADDENDUM: Or any other title of royalty.
39) M84 stun grenades (also known as "flashbangs") are not toys and will not be used for recreational purposes.
40) The SGT is NOT authorized to give the command "Strip" to any soldiers, particularly female soldiers.
41) The SGT is to refrain from engaging personnel from other branches of the military in fistfights.
41.1) "The fuckers had it coming" is not a valid reason for an exception.
42) The SGT may not use any form of the word "accident" as an excuse.
43) The SGT may not violate the dress code at any time. The Army does not recognize "Casual Fridays".
44) If a posted warning says not to do something, it is not because we want to "control your mind".
44.1) ADDENDUM: Yes, it is because we want to control your mind.
44.2) ADDENDUM: No, it is not, and the SGT may not edit this document.
45) Taking civilian contractors to a strip club or brothel shall be grounds for discipline.
46) The SGT is not allowed to impersonate any major political figures.
47) "For shits and giggles" is not an acceptable reason to violate operational security.
48) The SGT is prohibited from applying for medals or commendations based on his extra-curricular activities.
48.1) ADDENDUM: This included the Purple Heart.
48.2) ADDENDUM: This also includes petitioning U.S. Senators for the Congressional Medal of Honor.
49) The SGT is no longer allowed to requisition automatic weapons or explosives without the explicit consent of his commanding officer.
49.1) ADDENDUM: Discharging automatic weapons or detonation of explosive materials in an unauthorized area is grounds for court-martial. (This is your last warning, SGT.)
50) Pending the outcome of a 3-car traffic collision, the SGT is not allowed to take Humvees out on joyrides.
51) The SGT is not allowed to drive tracked vehicles from armor divisions, regardless of his perceived ability to do so.
52) Under no circumstances will the SGT misappropriate his commanding officer's personal vehicle.
52.1) ADDENDUM: No, SGT. Not even if the liquor store closes in 20 minutes.
53) The SGT is prohibited from using U.S. Army purchasing cards, expense accounts, or other government funds to purchase "pizza and beer" for the unit.
54) The female recruits' shower room is NOT a "strategic ambush position". Nothing in there has any legitimate strategic value, SGT.
54.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is not to explain his definition of "strategic value" ever again.
55.) There are no "Top Secret" experiments authorizing anyone to give the SGT any manner of fissable nuclear material. The SGT would only use it for evil.
56) When writing a report, more detail is expected than "Went in. Killed bad guys and blew a bunch of shit up. Left."
56.1) ADDENDUM: Inventing new security clearances just so nobody can see what you've written is also unacceptable.
57) "My evil twin did it" is no longer considered a viable excuse.
58) Covering yourself with a sheet, hiding behind a curtain in the infirmary at night, and jumping out yelling “OOGA BOOGA BOOGA” is never appropriate.
58.1) ADDENDUM: Nor is laughing hysterically for over an hour at the poor medic you scared, who threw his chair through the window before running out and calling the MP's.
59) Placing live animals in an officer's quarters as a prank is NOT allowed. Nor is it funny.
60) Just because "it worked in a movie" does not mean it works in real-life.
61) A "wicked bad hangover" does not excuse the SGT from a road march.
62) The SGT is no longer allowed to have Alka-Seltzer tablets or any similar medications anywhere on his person while on duty.
62.1) ADDENDUM: Foaming at the mouth and faking a seizure are NOT acceptable ways to avoid kitchen duty, SGT.
63) The SGT is prohibited from striking any person in the groin for any reason, except during an actual combat situation.
63.1) ADDENDUM: No, SGT... "Rochambeau" is NOT an acceptable way to resolve disputes.
64) Use of vehicle-mounted radios is restricted to official communication only. It is not a forum for broadcasting your opinions of policies and procedures.
65) Vehicles-mounted radios are not to be tuned to emergency bands and used to taunt Military Police.
65.1) ADDENDUM: Turning off the radio to escape detection and capture by MP's is not only prohibited, but is also "poor sportsmanship".
65.2) ADDENDUM: So is filing a complaint for "police brutality" when detained by said MP's.
66) Injuries sustained during violation of Army policies and procedures do not excuse the SGT from his daily duties.
66.1) ADDENDUM: SGT will cease jumping from structures at night screaming "I am Batman!" immediately.
67) "Because it sounded like fun at the time" is not a valid excuse for violating the speed limit on base.
68) When deployed, the SGT will remember that we are guests in a foreign country and conduct himself accordingly.
68.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is hereby prohibited from establishing a "harem", "entourage", "concubines" or any similar positions among the female residents of said country.
69) No unauthorized persons will be present after 2200 hrs in the SGT's quarters. Nor will said persons be permitted to accompany the SGT on combat patrols, troop movements or mission briefings.
69.1) ADDENDUM: No, the excuse "But she's a certified hottie" is not a valid reason.
70) The SGT is not allowed near any carbonated beverages while in possession of Mentos-branded mints and in an enclosed structure. Any resulting mess from this policy being violated will be cleaned at the expense of the SGT.