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Let me preface this by saying, I'm slightly tipsy,actually a lot tipsy. So I apologize in advance.
Have you ever felt so hollow inside that your heart feels like a bb bouncing around in empty can?
Ever wonder what like would be like if things (ie...your life) was totally different from how it is now?
I can, somewhat.
Conversely I can't imagine my life being any different than it is now. I mean, I've always been a pretty miserable sort of person. Ask any of my ex gf's, co – workers, or what few friends I have. I've noticed a pattern, a horrible pattern in my life. I'll be happy or semi happy, or pseudo happy, whatever, for a time being and then I get into these mopy moods that seem to last for quite a while . And for those I've “pushed” away I apologize. To utilize a phrase that's somewhat cliched' , It's not you, really, it's me.
I think I purposely sabotage relationships or work settings, etc as I know eventually I'll screw them up or that I'm not used to being “happy” or “content”. So it's easier for me to go with what I know, being miserable. I know this is weird but then again it's me.
How I wish I could wake up one day and feel “normal” , ie, just a decent outlook on things. Oh how I wish. But that's not going to happen.
I suppose when I was younger I had somewhat different outlook on things. I figured I'd live the suburban dream the wife, the house, the kids, the mortage, the new car in the driveway that I'd be washing on a Saturday morning. I have none of those things. Am I fine with that? No, but what can you do?
I've met some people online , here and other sites , and they're great (thanks tony the tiger) but they live far, far away (and not in a galaxy far far away or a long time ago) so that essentially nullifies any sort of “dating”.
I once moved down south to be with someone. For 2 ½ years of my life , I never felt so alone, so out of place. I'm not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination but I am what I am. I lived in a area, a zone , where there was nary a person of my backround. So when it came towards the holidays I felt really,really alone. I call it the “lone wolf syndrome”.
Which get's me to my next point. My ex, or whatever the term used today is, lives pretty far away from me. I'd say,almost on the other side of the United States. Me? I live near NYC. I grew up here, it's all I know. I have everything I need here, bookstores, electronic stores, movies, places I grew up in , and yes, Family. I can't see myself moving somewhere where I'll zero access to the things I like, and more importantly, being “the lone wolf”. And yes, I'd miss my parents.
Backtracking a wee bit on the subject of online dating, times have changed. I remember going to parties and being introduced to someone and if you hit it off...great. Now it's a little buddy icon and some words on a screen.
As for meeting people online, it's hard, just as hard as in “RL” if not harder. Your “default” picture is what , unfortunately people see, and judge you by. A few witty comments under your picture and hopefully that will be enough to reel them in. But I'm 42. I can't compete with these young guys on cam. The muscle bound, pierced and tatted bro's.
And that's what it really is, a competition. Pick me , pick me! I can't change to meet some website criteria or be someone I'm not so I can “fit in”. This isn't high school, thank g0d.
I know whom I supposed to be with but I can't, so be it. I've met other people online and I could see myself with them (although I'm sure they don't feel the same way) but again I can't just pick up and move for a “maybe it will work out” sort of thing.
I guess what I'm saying is that I need to keep it local, which poses another sort of issue. Around here, where “ Real Housewives of New Jersey” is filmed, it seems that every woman is into the whole : I need a suv, tiny pocketbook sized dog, fendi, gucci, coach ,trendy bar lifestyle. I can't provide that. Heck I can barely provide for myself. So my options are limited. Or maybe they're not. I think that some people are destined to be alone. Am I comfortable with that? No, but it is what it is. I just need to acclimate myself to that mindset and I'll feel a lot better.
