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MONDAY'S JOKE
Date Rape Drug
There is a date rape drug going around. While this drug does have beneficial uses in small quantities, female sexual predators are using it at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
Shockingly this drug is available at most grocery and convenience stores! Women often persuade men to consume multiple doses, and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Often while under the influence of this drug men will succumb to desires to perform sex acts on women who they would never normally be attracted to.
Men often awaken after being given this drug with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before. Some times they wake up with a headache and a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
This date rape drug is known by many names such as Bud, Hinny, Draft, and Black Label.
So you fellows out there be careful when some woman offers to buy you a cold one.
If however, you should fall prey to this scheme you can find a support group as close as your local pub and have a beer on me.
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Marriage vs Love
Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant, Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is watching movie on a sofa, Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children, Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early, Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is losing your appetite, Marriage is losing your figure.
TV has no place in love, Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is Don't you think you have had enough !
Conclusion: Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener.
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
There was a plane crash in Poland
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
There's a parrot on the plane
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Results of damage testing
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
There are lawyers on the flight
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Flying without a parachute
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
