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MONDAY'S JOKE
Killing an Eel
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curios. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains.
One night he watched his older sister and her boyfriend, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake.
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend must have been a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.
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TUESDAY'S JOKE
Secret Code
A husband and wife decided they needed to use ''a code'' to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word ''typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, ''Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.'' The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, ''Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter.'' The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, ''Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.''
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, ''Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKES
Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
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Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
To find a tight seal. ********************************************************************
THURSDAY'S JOKE
Happy Halloween Jokes. I hope you like them
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil!" she responded. "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"
A few days after Halloween, Sally came home with a bad report card. Her mother asked why her grades were so low. Sally answered, "Because everything is marked down after holidays!"
Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do? Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.
On the morning of Halloween, the teacher told the class, "We'll have only half a day of school this morning." The children cheered. Then she said, "And we'll have the second half this afternoon." This time the children moaned!
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Discovery Channel
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little experiment coming along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No, it's turned black.'
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
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What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
What three words are most likely to strike panic when you're making love?
Honey I'm home.
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My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
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What's the difference between a fridge and a fanny?
A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
