Sometimes I think alot about too many things. And I get into a mood where I just want to talk to everyone who will listen.
And alot of the time those people don't always want to hear everyting I have to say. I think that's maybe why I try and make alot of friends on the internet. They don't always listen, but then again, you really don't have any way to prove they weren't.
But right now, as some as you might know, I have been thinking about what I want in a relationship.And if you read my previous blog post then you know that I was thinking about not having any relationships anymore. And I have thought about it alot. Not just in the past five minutes but in the past month. I couldn't [at first] see the point in relationships, when 99% of mine end badly.
But then I thought some more.
None of my relationships have been bad from the start.There were always points in them when I was pleased with my decision about being with that person.
And I can't bring myself to say that I don't want that at all anymore.
I can't bring myself to say that I don' want someone to be there for me when I feel alone.
I can't bring myself to say that I don't need someone that will say they love me, even if I don't say it back.
I couldn't think of myself at any age and not be with someone.
For a long time I had a morbid fear of being alone. Anytime that someone would leave, I would automatically begin to try to find someone else to talk to. But then when I got older, things started to sink in. Things that had happened in the darkness of a damp room and with the fear of flesh on flesh. And I thought for while if I ever let someone get too close they would just turn on me as a family member once had. So then I became a total recluse and was very suicidal and had even attempted to kill myself a few times. After I had failed a few times I saw no point in trying anymore. If I can't even kill myself then I'm obviously not meant to die.
I started to talk to people again and the suicidal thoughts dicipated. Even though I was still clinically depressed and was put on anti-depressants.
I am now off the pills and have been beginning to shed the skin of a scared little girl with nobody to turn to.
And if I decided to give up relationships, then I would probably just revert back to the same thoughts of helplessness and the unsettling feeling of never being close to someone again.
I can't say that that is a pleasant thought. And I don't want to be that way ever again. I don't want to make any new scars that would last too long.
Again, if you read this, thank you very much.
[samara]
