For some unknown apparent reason I find myself doubting and questioning the things of my life. I have everything a girl could want--amazing friends, a chance for an amazing future if I play the cards right and family in ways I never knew existed. Yet looking over the span of my current life I am finding myself discontent and envious of those who have "the life". I want to be the First, Not the Second. Getting the possibility dangled before my eyes doesn't help. Going out of the way to get shit done for someone else with no reward or care that I did it. Yeah I am loved, Yeah I am respected, Yeah I am wanted. Yet somehow its not enough. Maybe its cuz I can look in the mirror and see less than I deserve around me. Who knows. Im just being dramatic and bummed out. I want what I cant fucking have and I have what I don't fucking want. Its time for a disappearing act. Its time for relocation and to go walk in the surf where life makes sense and life is all I want it to be. I need to get away and recharge and reconnect. Months separated is taking its toll and I need to reinforce what I am doing and what it all means.
Sorry not much of this makes sense but then again when it involves love it usually doesnt. I just need to stay away and life will go back to making sense and happy. LoL Or at least I can fucking hope...
I am just wishing things were different......
