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What are you waiting for?
I want to be rid of every memory. Every second of the days I spent with you. Every kiss. Every embrace. Every stupid I love you because I cant live with and with out you. Yet you are apart of everything and what I am now. Every dream of your face staring back at mine but never seeing me, looking through me because I dont exist. Youve become my biggest fear when only weeks ago you were the only thing that calmed them. I keep waiting for this pain to stop so I can breathe. I dont know what was ever real cuz more and more you rob me of that. How did a year of my life become bullshit nothings and mean absolutely nothing? But every time I put my hand to my stomach and I feel this wave of relief wash over me and I remember how proud I am of being Rebel and Presleys mother and I know that for every lie and ever tear and every time you will break my heart theyll tape me back together. I can feel you every day and I hate it. I cant run away from facing the mistake I made in you. I cant deny we existed or that I love you or forget what it felt like in your arms at nite when youd whisper it in my ear. Some days are better than others but even thats a lie I guess. I just learn to put on the happy face alittle better. Its so hard to live with you in my life so completely when Im living every day completely without you. I wish it was different and that I could turn it off and let everything go. I miss laughing. I miss not cringing when Im touched simply because the hand isnt yours. I miss my fucked up little life before you saved it. I miss you and nothing will change that. Im sorry for all the things Ive said and all the things Ive done. Im sorry that I wouldnt change a thing. Im sorry that the only thing I want different about me is you and that while maybe the things you said to me werent honestly what you felt or meant but that to me it didnt make them untrue. Im sorry everything went away. But I thank you for not letting me forget. For making me remember and how I am some how better because of you. And thank you for making me love you
